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hislua
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Chat Mar 23, 2017 at 12:43 AM
  #1
i'm not really gonna give a ton of backstory on the relationship i have with my t. just know that i've been seeing him for 3 years, we have 17 year age gap, he's aware of my romantic, sexual, and kind of parental (him being the parent) feelings towards him, and that we have a very...interesting relationship. he's extremely casual and has never hesitated to share very personal information about himself with me (even when i didn't ask). he's sort of said he loves me??? idk. he said he "opposite of hate"s me. he said "i love you, but also hate you" in a kind of joking way. one day when i bluntly asked him if he loves me he said he "is not good with the word love" and that "cares about me very much" and that the way he feels for me could be seen as "equal to love".

i never knew what to make of this. i still don't. probably because i'm so deeply in love with him that i can't make sense of any of this, and haven't been able to for 3 years.

anyway, today he mentioned (and i don't know how we got on this topic) that marriage "isn't for everyone". then he said "not for me, definitely". he's been married for a few years and has a 3 year old. i know he loves the child dearly, but he's given me vibes before that he isn't too happy in his marriage. today that belief was confirmed. he totally made it apparent that he feels really tied down. he said that anyone who gets married and feels only attracted to that one person for the rest of their life is lying. i also know he felt pressured into getting married by his parents when they found out his wife was pregnant. i decided to push a little further and subtly asked why he didn't just get a divorce. he said "well, divorce is certainly an option". then i mentioned how it would be difficult if there's a kid involved and he agreed. i think that's the reason why he won't divorce her. and to not upset his parents.

was he trying to tell me something when giving out this information? like i said, he's a pretty open guy, and tells me a lot of stuff. but i just found it interesting how he basically said he wasn't happy in his marriage. i know that doesn't mean "i'm leaving my wife to be with you" but of course my outrageous mind thought of this. idk. i'm a mess.

thoughts? lol
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 02:04 AM
  #2
Welcome to the forums. I'm sure that others will have input on your situation.

His oversharing and expression of "emotional feelings" (don't know how else to word that) are violating boundaries, I think.

Are your therapy sessions therapeutic for you?
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 06:43 AM
  #3
i think everyone knows what i will say to any thread like this- please don't go into a relationship with this man. i am speaking from experience. i know it seems so hot and naughty, but its really not. its really NOT. anyway, that's all i can say. its up to you as always, take care

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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 07:21 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by hislua View Post
i'm not really gonna give a ton of backstory on the relationship i have with my t. just know that i've been seeing him for 3 years, we have 17 year age gap, he's aware of my romantic, sexual, and kind of parental (him being the parent) feelings towards him, and that we have a very...interesting relationship. he's extremely casual and has never hesitated to share very personal information about himself with me (even when i didn't ask). he's sort of said he loves me??? idk. he said he "opposite of hate"s me. he said "i love you, but also hate you" in a kind of joking way. one day when i bluntly asked him if he loves me he said he "is not good with the word love" and that "cares about me very much" and that the way he feels for me could be seen as "equal to love".

i never knew what to make of this. i still don't. probably because i'm so deeply in love with him that i can't make sense of any of this, and haven't been able to for 3 years.

anyway, today he mentioned (and i don't know how we got on this topic) that marriage "isn't for everyone". then he said "not for me, definitely". he's been married for a few years and has a 3 year old. i know he loves the child dearly, but he's given me vibes before that he isn't too happy in his marriage. today that belief was confirmed. he totally made it apparent that he feels really tied down. he said that anyone who gets married and feels only attracted to that one person for the rest of their life is lying. i also know he felt pressured into getting married by his parents when they found out his wife was pregnant. i decided to push a little further and subtly asked why he didn't just get a divorce. he said "well, divorce is certainly an option". then i mentioned how it would be difficult if there's a kid involved and he agreed. i think that's the reason why he won't divorce her. and to not upset his parents.

was he trying to tell me something when giving out this information? like i said, he's a pretty open guy, and tells me a lot of stuff. but i just found it interesting how he basically said he wasn't happy in his marriage. i know that doesn't mean "i'm leaving my wife to be with you" but of course my outrageous mind thought of this. idk. i'm a mess.

thoughts? lol
It sounds like he talks about himself a LOT in sessions. That's not good. I'm totally in love with my therapist too and he's said he has feelings for me nothing will ever happen between us, but I think if he told me he was getting divorced I'd go INSANE with fantasies. That sounds difficult.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 02:18 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by glamslam View Post
Welcome to the forums. I'm sure that others will have input on your situation.

His oversharing and expression of "emotional feelings" (don't know how else to word that) are violating boundaries, I think.

Are your therapy sessions therapeutic for you?
thanks! and yeah...

they're kind of therapeutic? they make me happy if that means anything. he makes me feel supported and cared for, which kind of gives me a reason to live...and that's something i've struggled with. he has helped me through some things...i think. sometimes i'm not sure. it's hard to tell.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 02:19 PM
  #6
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i think everyone knows what i will say to any thread like this- please don't go into a relationship with this man. i am speaking from experience. i know it seems so hot and naughty, but its really not. its really NOT. anyway, that's all i can say. its up to you as always, take care
thank you. i'm not unaware of how damaging it would probably be, despite me wanting it so bad.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 02:22 PM
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It sounds like he talks about himself a LOT in sessions. That's not good. I'm totally in love with my therapist too and he's said he has feelings for me nothing will ever happen between us, but I think if he told me he was getting divorced I'd go INSANE with fantasies. That sounds difficult.
it's usually focused on me. i actually don't think he likes to talk about himself much because he says he's really messed up. but sometimes he does. last night he did more than usual. sometimes i feel like he just needs to get it off his chest. he says i know more about him than most people, definitely more than the rest of his clients. i like when he confides in me too...i wanna know everything about him lol
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 04:07 PM
  #8
I've been seeing my therapist for about 3 years too. Mine is also pretty open, and will talk about his life if I ask. I have deep feelings of affection towards him and at times a romantic attraction.

However, he has *never* talked to me about his marriage in the way that your therapist is speaking with you. If he did, it would totally freak me out. It strikes me as inappropriate sharing.

I think therapists and clients can develop feelings of deep caring and love for each other and have it still remain an entirely professional and therapeutic relationship with proper boundaries.

I agree wholeheartedly with junkDNA that you do not want to get involved with this person. Such an experience would be harmful to you.

Are you guys doing work in your therapy sessions? Is he generally a good therapist and is he helping you improve your life outside of your therapy sessions?
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 04:16 PM
  #9
I'm not sure what you want us to say. Do you want us to tell you "yes he's totally in love with you and will leave his wife for you"? As it's been pointed out many times on this forum, these relationships are ALWAYS harmful for the client. Your therapist shouldn't be telling you all this stuff about his marriage. This is your therapy, not his. None of this sounds therapeutic in the least.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 05:10 PM
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I've been seeing my therapist for about 3 years too. Mine is also pretty open, and will talk about his life if I ask. I have deep feelings of affection towards him and at times a romantic attraction.

However, he has *never* talked to me about his marriage in the way that your therapist is speaking with you. If he did, it would totally freak me out. It strikes me as inappropriate sharing.

I think therapists and clients can develop feelings of deep caring and love for each other and have it still remain an entirely professional and therapeutic relationship with proper boundaries.

I agree wholeheartedly with junkDNA that you do not want to get involved with this person. Such an experience would be harmful to you.

Are you guys doing work in your therapy sessions? Is he generally a good therapist and is he helping you improve your life outside of your therapy sessions?
thank you for your comment. and we do work i believe. he has helped me overcome some other unhealthy attachments in my life.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 05:10 PM
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I'm not sure what you want us to say. Do you want us to tell you "yes he's totally in love with you and will leave his wife for you"? As it's been pointed out many times on this forum, these relationships are ALWAYS harmful for the client. Your therapist shouldn't be telling you all this stuff about his marriage. This is your therapy, not his. None of this sounds therapeutic in the least.
yeah, you're right. i guess it's just kinda hard to accept. thank you.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 05:25 PM
  #12
Been there. The psychiatrist was married. When I asked about his wife- "doesn't she miss you?" He said, "She has a picture of me." Three kids.

Never expected him to leave his wife, though he hinted he would. We were intimate...and more. It was a disaster.

Fast-forward more than twenty years- they are still married. She stayed with him even though he was arrested for keeping a 19 yo female patient against her will and had sex with her. She stayed with him even though his medical license was revoked for dishonesty and sex with patients. She stayed with him even though seven women reported him to the medical licensing board.

If he's hinting (or flat out saying) that he's in love with you, leave. Therapy isn't happening. You are paying him to talk about his problems? You are paying him to hint around like a child?

I've said this before and it's true- therapy stopped for me the minute he helped me with my buttons...probably before then.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 05:36 PM
  #13
Ask him what he means when he tells you about his marriage. Tell him he's over sharing. Therapy is about you. You drive therapy.
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 07:25 PM
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Ask him what he means when he tells you about his marriage. Tell him he's over sharing. Therapy is about you. You drive therapy.
probably should. thanks!
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 08:12 PM
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thank you. i'm not unaware of how damaging it would probably be, despite me wanting it so bad.
It was most certainly not worth it in my situation

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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 08:13 PM
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Been there. The psychiatrist was married. When I asked about his wife- "doesn't she miss you?" He said, "She has a picture of me." Three kids.

Never expected him to leave his wife, though he hinted he would. We were intimate...and more. It was a disaster.

Fast-forward more than twenty years- they are still married. She stayed with him even though he was arrested for keeping a 19 yo female patient against her will and had sex with her. She stayed with him even though his medical license was revoked for dishonesty and sex with patients. She stayed with him even though seven women reported him to the medical licensing board.

If he's hinting (or flat out saying) that he's in love with you, leave. Therapy isn't happening. You are paying him to talk about his problems? You are paying him to hint around like a child?

I've said this before and it's true- therapy stopped for me the minute he helped me with my buttons...probably before then.
It starts with the decision to groom a vulnerable person

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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 08:25 PM
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it's usually focused on me. i actually don't think he likes to talk about himself much because he says he's really messed up. but sometimes he does. last night he did more than usual. sometimes i feel like he just needs to get it off his chest. he says i know more about him than most people, definitely more than the rest of his clients. i like when he confides in me too...i wanna know everything about him lol
This is concerning because he's suggesting you're special and he says that he tells you stuff he wouldn't tell his other patients.

I have strong transference (mostly paternal) and attachment to my marriage counselor. At one point recently, I said how there was this part of me that wanted to know he thought I was special. At first, he said that he had to care about his patients all the same, or he wouldn't be a good therapist. So no patients were more special than any other. Then when I pushed more about it, saying how it was painful, he said, "You are special. Just as all of my patients are special." Even though that doesn't sound like much, it's what I needed to hear. But the important thing for the OP's situation is that he did NOT imply that I was more special than any other patient. That he cared about them all equally.

I feel like that's what a T is supposed to feel and say. If he's favoring you over other patients--and also telling you that he shares more with you than with others--that seems to send up a red flag. The fact that he's saying he's "messed up" also rings a bell for me, as someone who used to be drawn to "messed up" guys. Like he's all, "No, I'm too messed up," and you're like, "No you're not, you're not messed up to me." It's like he's looking for your reassurance, which isn't the role he should be playing.

Be careful...
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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 09:32 PM
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It starts with the decision to groom a vulnerable person
Also, I don't think the groomer is always conscious of themselves doing this

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Default Mar 23, 2017 at 11:50 PM
  #19
AbusivePdoc made me feel special, too. You don't want to know how he treated me when he decided he was done with me.
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Default Mar 24, 2017 at 12:30 AM
  #20
I doubt he is actually planning to get a divorce. Unfortunately, married men will often act like their marriage is ending when they really just want to cheat. It's like the cliche of a married man claiming "My wife doesn't understand me" to justify cheating.

Unfortunately, I think it is definitely evidence that this guy has major problems of his own that he is treating you as a friend and a prospective mistress rather than as a therapy client. It's not at all appropriate for him to be unloading his personal problems (like being unhappy with his marriage) onto you. Don't you have enough problems of your own without also getting to worry about his problems? It's really quite selfish of him to do this to you.

Please don't let this guy use you. You can find a connection with a man who isn't your therapist that is better for you than what is happening here.
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