In Love with Therapist and I can't take the pain from it.

I have been seeing my new therapist for 4 sessions now, once a week. We talk about my depression and feeling of worthlessness. And how I crave intimacy, and don't feel it from my wife. Anyways I have fallen in Love with my therapist. I can't stop thinking about her, I feel great and bad at the same time when I think about her. I want to tell her, but am so scared to. I want to give her a gift for Valentine's Day, so she can know I love her deeply. I want to tell her that she's so beautiful, it's like seeing God or an Angel for this first time, I can't process how to handle her beauty. If I don't tell her, I can't live with this feeling and not telling her, and if I do tell her the rejection is to much to bear. Please Help!

Hello Pete: I see this is your first posted thread here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are dealing with these difficult emotions. Here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-love...es-what-to-do/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/i-thin...-my-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-the...ith-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/transference-in-therapy/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-the...sychoanalysis/

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

P.S. Family therapist, Kati Morton, has a couple of videos on her YouTube channel on the topic of transference. Here are links to those videos:

Wow, thanks for the Welcome in information. I will add myself and introduce myself, I'll check out that link. I'll take a look at the threads. I just need to know what to do. This crushing weight on my chest, cause I have not stopped thinking about her. I guess I have to tell her. But I'm scared to death.

Thank you for the Welcome and the information. I plan on sticking around this forum. I read those links and articles, and watched the videos. I know I should tell her how I feel. But just thinking about telling her I get very emotional and I know I will if I tell her, since the feelings are so strong. I don't want to break down in front of her, cause of embarrassment, I know how silly that sounds, I know he doesn't judge me like that. But my feelings are so messed up right now, all I wanna do is tell her and be romantic with her. I know that can't happen, but it's how I feel. Guess I just have to be honest with her. This pain is just to much! Aaghhhh!

I wouldnt give her a gift for valentines day. If you share your feelings, are you hoping she will reciprocate? Many clients fall in love with their therapist but nothing happens or should happen.

Having to be honest with myself, Yes, Part of me is wishing she will reciprocate.
Which I know is not a good thing. This is why I am so miserable right now.
I'm destined to be crushed and hurt no matter what I do.

I was in same situation. Hell on earth.

I would not accept any BS about how this had to happen because you have some "transference" issue that needs to be worked out. Nonsense.

Therapists are seductive, in varying ways and to varying degrees, and therapy can be a horrible trap wherein whatever weakness or unmet need you have gets exposed and then just left hanging there and then analyzed to death which only increases preoccupation. I found it abusive and cruel in that way, and totally reckless.

BTW, i told mine how i felt, and it did not go well or end well. If I had kept the feelings a secret, that would have been absurd and equally problematic.

You know exactly how I feel. I am there for feelings of unworthyness, and I don't get any intimacy from my wife. My Therapist is more beautiful than an angel(How I feel right now). I am in Hell with these feelings for her, when the only outcome will be me, getting hurt again. Which is the norm. It's not her fault, I just want to be with her right now. I'm sick with depression right now cause of this. I love her!

Giving her a Valentine's Day gift may make her feel uncomfortable.

It was just a TicTac Valentine's Box. The little candies say Hug Me, Love, and what not on them. I picked it up in the store since I thought about her when I saw it. I want to give her that and one flower, just to show my appreciation for her and love that I have for her as a person. I really don't know what to do.

Do I tell her how attractive I find her? I want to tell her that she really takes my breath away and that angels do not have anything on her. Looking at her is like looking at God.
Do I tell her everything I am feeling?
Sorry for all the posts, the responses help me a bit knowing I'm not the only person feeling this.

I don't know if you need to share every little detail of what you are feeling for it to be helpful. It is helpful to explore the feelings and share how intense they are for sure. I found talking about them and sharing them with my T helped to reduce their intensity. At times I did want to talk about every little detail and find the meaning behind it. I usually didn't manage that as it was awkward to talk about some of the things I had thought about and my T didn't seem to want to know every little detail either. I did share some things and that they were extremely painful.The longing and yearning at times were all-encompassing and relentless. Each time I shared the feelings they became less intense for a period of time. It was like talking about them took away some of their power although they often flared back up after a few weeks. Right now the feelings are there but not so painful. I was told the would go up and down and didn't quite understand or believe it at the time but now I do as that's what they have done. If your T remains steadfast and professional but responds to and deals with the feelings well, as a good T should then hopefully you can work together to find a way out the other side somehow. I still don't know exactly how, if or when that will happen for me but I hold out hope that it will. For me, there have been improvements and I think a lot of that has to do with my T responding well, holding the boundaries and remaining consistent.

Its not so much what the gift is, its that you desire to give it on valentines day...

What message do you think that would give? If shes a decent therapist, she would say thankyou but please give it to your wife.

Giving gifts at all can be controversial... let alone on valentines day of all days.....

You need to look at this objectively.

I would be honest but most of all be honest with yourself. Saying those things that way sounds like you are trying to date her.

Thank you for sharing that. I think if I share with her the strong feelings may ease a bit. At least I hope.

First Off, Thank you for the advice. You bring up excellent points. I just know that one of our appointments will be on Valentine's Day. I'm a mess about this. It's really hard and tearing me up inside. I'll just have to relax and easily tell her about my feelings for her. I love her to much to make her feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't do anything to feed your attachment to this therapist. Try to find a way to distance yourself from getting preoccupied with her. Perhaps the right answer is to find another therapist you don't have these strong feelings for.

I agree with tecomsin.

I have been there, except for the romantic aspect but intense attachment anyway, and I'm still there even though things seem different in a sense.

I would recommend no gift at all, many T's don't accept them anyway but also like others say on V-day it sends the wrong message. If anything, just wish her a happy V-day.

I also don't think sharing every detail is important, it will make things more and more awkward. I'm personally not the type to get a new T but if this gets to be too intense for you to handle, maybe consider it, and maybe a male?

I'm sorry you are going through it though, as Bud said, it is basically hell. Had anyone ever warned me, I would have never tried therapy to begin with. Now I feel stuck and more confused and hurt than ever.

I do wish you the best with all this, it's tough but many people have been there.... and are willing to support you. Good luck but please scrap the gift idea.

Thanks for the advice. I'm only looking at it one way. I think I'm going to skip the flowers and stuff and just wish her a Happy V-Day and tell her I have love for her and work on it from there. I really think talking about it with her will lower the intensity of what I am feeling. It's a Roller Coster of emotions, as soon as I think I'm going to be OK, then I get hit in the chest. I just have to remain strong and be honest.

How much do you actually know about her personally?

If she wasnt physically attractive, would you be having this problem?

I would skip the gift until you know her better.

Once bought a Christmas gift for a T without knowing many T’s don’t accept gifts. It was a joke gift, a pair of socks. Nothing big. He would not accept or even touch the gift. When he told me he did not accept gifts, I asked him to just open it (for the sake of the joke) and he wouldn’t have to keep it. Nope.

I felt destroyed...and angry!
Gifts may not get you the response you expect.

ouch... he could have.opened it

UnclePete, you are in good company here in this subforum. Do you know if she practices a particular mode of therapy? That may have an influence on how much she will want to explore your feelings.

I disagree with Budfox - I think transference does have a part to play (in all relationships, not just therapy ones) and working through these deep seated feelings can be helpful, though it isn't easy. Transference isn't the be all and end all though and it doesn't make your feelings any less real or valid.

I have been also been struggling with having feelings for my therapist. Over the years, I have become much more philosophical about my situation. On one hand, I can see that the therapy situation (and the kind of therapy I do in particular) encourages these feelings - the therapist's mostly positive regard, active listening then thinking about what has been said, being kept in the therapist's mind, the discussions only being about us - we don't have to listen to their problems and the stability of regularly scheduled appointments.

Then you have the possible transference feelings - unconditional parental love, longing to be loved, accepted and looked after. Sometimes wanting to look after them (if that's our pattern). The painful feelings of not being loved, accepted and looked after or not being good enough. If you've had a difficult beginning in life, it's worth thinking about these feelings.

Then you have the present day feelings that are more to do with the person sitting opposite (though it's all a bit mixed up with the above feelings) - their attractiveness, personality, humour, taste in art. Maybe you have a few things in common. Maybe you are single or in an unhappy relationship - all of these things are important too.

Talk to her if you can because keeping it all inside isn't going to help you. I did it really slowly. I think I mumbled something about 'having feelings' for him, to gauge his response, then I took it from there. Tell her whatever you want to but don't feel obligated to tell her everything, if you don't want to.

Could you keep the gift and put it somewhere safe? It's a lovely gesture and symbolic of how deeply you feel about her but it is possible that she won't accept it. Either way, I hope that she will handle the situation with kindness and empathy.

Good luck, let us know how you get on xx

That's a pretty awesome response, I'm going to gauge my T at our next session on Wed. Talking about it seams to help. I'll wait on the gift, even though it's just a Tic Tac Valentine's Box. But like you said if she won't even touch it, i'll be beyond crushed. All I can do is slowly talk to her, I love her for a reason, so I know she'll listen and hopefully understand. I'm going to take your advice and gauge her, like you did with your T. Thank you very much.