[CheeseBalls2022]

I’ve been seeing my therapist for about 6 months. Working through a lot of trauma a lot of it related to sexual abuse as a child/teen/adult. I’ve never really been big on sex(I’d go as far as saying I don’t much like it.) and just recently left an abusive relationship. I’ve always had love for my therapist since I meet her. We clicked immediately and I’ve always found her to be an attractive woman but you know laws are laws. And overtime my feelings have grown. Anyways for awhile I’ve fantasize about a sexual encounter with her but in my fantasy she’s always resisted me. I would push up on her and hold her against the wall kiss her etc but stop short of touching her down below because she’d resist me. Recently the fantasy has changed and instead of resisting she flipped me and it became this whole hot and heavy wet sexual scene and I couldn’t escape the need to touch myself. To which I had the most amazing O. I’ve come to the conclusion that I love my therapist deeply and I like the idea of having these fantasies of her knowing I can’t act on them in real life. In a weird way I feel like I’m in a healthy relationship with her though I know that’s not really the case. I feel awkward about living this false relationships in my head but at the same time I love/loved touching myself to the thought of her touching me/us touching each other. And now I don’t want to stop having the fantasy’s. When I did this today I imagined she was somewhere at work in a meeting secretly aroused with unclear meaning. Almost as if I was connected with her on a spiritual level. Anyways I know this probably sounds crazy and I talk to her about everything. Except this. Is this weird, that for now I want to keep this the way it is? And kinda of secretly and slightly irrationally I’m dating her in my head. 🤔 I sounds crazy... I feel crazy for wanting to live this out in my head but I equally feel like it’s a better rebound then another ****ed up relationship. While I’m grieving the end of a 12year relationship. I’m not sure what to do with these feelings. I know I love my therapist in a very complexed way. I don’t want to let go of the fantasies. I like them a lot. Is this crazy?

[TeaVicar?]

It doesn't sound crazy at all, it sounds really normal to me. Perhaps you are connected to her on a spiritual level, perhaps the connection with her is stirring something inside you? And maybe right now, you need your fantasies because they are your safe space or your happy space. It sounds like you've been through an awful lot. It's really normal and understandable to want to be loved.

I used to do a similar thing and I held on to my fantasies, like they were the most treasured possessions. I didn't even talk that much about them to my therapist because I was worried that they would be taken from me. I felt as though I had nothing else that was good in my life and they made me feel good. The problem with holding on to them, is that when you are living in your head all the time, you aren't really taking part in life and living. More and more I felt very disjointed with reality and moreover, I felt really sad.

Go easy on yourself, you deserve and need the love and connection you fantasise about. Trust yourself and try to talk to your therapist. Sending hugs.

[Erebos]

Considering your past I think it sounds perfectly normal that you would feel safer playing/living this fantasy in your head.
It's a safe space for you to experience relationship/sexual feelings away from the risk of being hurt.
You don't want to share these with her in case it changes the situation, also perfectly normal.

Fantasizing, and crushing on someone is a normal part of sexual growth. Something you probably didn't get to experience first time around. Go easy on yourself, and take it for what it is.