Everyone, I am at a loss. I’ve been seeing my therapist twice a week for about 10 months now. Initially, I intended on doing once weekly, but she convinced my twice weekly is best for people dealing with trauma. And I admit, it’s been nice. But somewhere down the line it’s just become a lot, seeing her twice a week— and not being able to ask her about herself at all. Yet we are quite close...I wouldn’t say she “disclosed” a lot, per se, but her style, or our relationship, has always been quite open. I know quite a bit about her hobbies, and sessions waver between deeply emotional and bantering laughter. I know she has caught me blushing on her behalf, and I’m almost certain ive caught her. We are both out lesbian women, and that alone brings a general sense of closeness. I am younger, she is older. Early on I disclosed my tendency to fall in love with women much older than myself. She disclosed that she is a woman of that age. But we’ve never really touched on that beyond that day. No doubt we have a connection, however that inability to discuss this has caused me stress.

Which brings us up to speed. While no lines have been crossed, aside from once accidentally waving to me in public before I acknowledged her, I feel overwhelmed and decided to tell her that coming twice a week was causing me anxiety— that the intense trauma processing we have been doing maybe bettter suites weekly. She convinced me to continue with our current twice weekly schedule. This confuses me ....on several occasions I’ve mentioned anxiety about how frequently I’m in that office, yet some how she gets me to come back two days later... is this healthy?

Other than this she has been so wonderful for me and I really value our relationship.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hm...it's my understanding that T's are supposed to follow a client's lead in terms of frequency of sessions, continuing therapy, etc. They could say something like, "Maybe coming twice a week would be helpful" or "I'm not sure switching to weekly would decrease anxiety." But the fact that you're saying you wanted to switch to weekly and she "convinced you" to keep going twice a week makes it sound like she was pressuring you. To me, it would have been best for her to say, "If you want to try weekly, let's do that, and you can always go back to biweekly later if you choose." If you still want to try weekly, I'd request that again.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by ephemeralfeelings

Everyone, I am at a loss. I’ve been seeing my therapist twice a week for about 10 months now. Initially, I intended on doing once weekly, but she convinced my twice weekly is best for people dealing with trauma. And I admit, it’s been nice. But somewhere down the line it’s just become a lot, seeing her twice a week— and not being able to ask her about herself at all. Yet we are quite close...I wouldn’t say she “disclosed” a lot, per se, but her style, or our relationship, has always been quite open. I know quite a bit about her hobbies, and sessions waver between deeply emotional and bantering laughter. I know she has caught me blushing on her behalf, and I’m almost certain ive caught her. We are both out lesbian women, and that alone brings a general sense of closeness. I am younger, she is older. Early on I disclosed my tendency to fall in love with women much older than myself. She disclosed that she is a woman of that age. But we’ve never really touched on that beyond that day. No doubt we have a connection, however that inability to discuss this has caused me stress.

Which brings us up to speed. While no lines have been crossed, aside from once accidentally waving to me in public before I acknowledged her, I feel overwhelmed and decided to tell her that coming twice a week was causing me anxiety— that the intense trauma processing we have been doing maybe bettter suites weekly. She convinced me to continue with our current twice weekly schedule. This confuses me ....on several occasions I’ve mentioned anxiety about how frequently I’m in that office, yet some how she gets me to come back two days later... is this healthy?

Other than this she has been so wonderful for me and I really value our relationship.

It could be that she is experiencing some countertransference and wanting you to come twice a week based on this or it could be that she just feels twice a week is a good fit for you and your work. Either way, though you know what is best for you and you should decide how often you go to sessions, not her.
It sounds like you are experiencing strong feelings for her. You write that "the inability to discuss this has caused me stress". Why can't you discuss these feelings with her? If they are making you anxious and adding to your stress, which it sounds like they are it would be helpful to bring them up and explore them. She likely won't talk or at least shouldn't really talk about her feelings but talking about yours can bring things more out in the open. I found talking about my feelings for my T really helped to alleviate some of my anxiety and stress related to them. At least afterward anyway. The actual talking about them was very difficult and uncomfortable but it really helped and brought me a sense of relief when they were brought out into the open.

Therapy is tough and some people consider going twice a week a lot and at times all-consuming.For me, going twice a week helped lessen my anxiety and stress. A lot of it (not all) was because of my feelings for my T. It has also enabled me to delve deeper and faster than going once a week would have. You have to ask yourself if going twice a week is helping you at all or is it just adding to your anxiety. Do you think going once a week would lessen it or would those feelings not still be there but you just see your T less?

[DP_2017]

I agree with LT that T's are supposed to leave it up to you, however, my T has a rule about 2x a week and it was very clearly laid out on the first session, so it's only for crisis. Which sucks because when I did go 2x a week, I was so much less anxious.

It could be as the other poster said that your T has counter transference or it could be that she knows in some cases going more often does help ease the stress and think it would be helpful for you right now

I know it's scary but talk to her about it, it's the only way to resolve it really, even if you gotta write it down or email her your thoughts instead of saying out loud

If you feel you no longer need it that often, that is great and it is totally your call. Good luck to you

[AllHeart]

What was her reasoning for keeping you on twice a week?

You are in control of the frequency of your sessions. Only you know what is best for you. If you want sessions, once a week, you will have to tell her again, firmly. She should be honoring your needs.

[ElectricManatee]

I see my T twice a week and have for a while. I find the sense of continuity and the ability to borrow stability from her regular presence very helpful in making progress in therapy. Sometimes (okay, often) I feel guilty and defective for wanting/needing so much of her time and attention. During a recent rupture in which I suggested (threatened?) reducing session frequency as a way of de-escalating things, she said that she thinks twice a week is where I need to be right now, but that ultimately it is my decision. My feelings for my T are quite intense, but they are pretty clearly maternal rather than romantic or sexual. (It may be worth mentioning that I am a queer woman, and she is not.)

I think it might be helpful for you to think about why you want to reduce session frequency or what, exactly, is bothering you. I would get incredibly overwhelmed by my strong feelings for my T if I couldn't talk about them with her whenever I need to. Telling her about my feelings helps me understand them and it takes away some of the pressure/tension that comes from bottling them up inside. But I also trust completely that my T will uphold the boundaries to protect me and my therapy at all times. Are you worried that your therapist will reciprocate your feelings? Or that she won't? Or that bringing them into the open will somehow change things between you? Or is it just that twice weekly is too much time or expense or that the intensity makes it difficult to do what you need to do in your life? It might be helpful to figure out what exactly is bothering you, because it isn't totally clear from your post. I agree that session frequency is (or at least should be) ultimately up to the client, but I think it would be worthwhile to figure out whether you want to go less because that's truly what will help on a practical level or because you're feeling overwhelmed by what's coming up for you in session. If it's the latter, that may be surmountable if you can find the words to talk about it.

[magicalprince]

I think it's worrying that she's not showing a solid response to your concerns about 2x a week and I would encourage you to make another effort to communicate these concerns, both about that and about the relationship between you two. It is better that these things get said sooner rather than later. Therapy can't function at all without a solid "working alliance" including open communication between therapist and client. It's worrying you enough to post about it here so it's definitely worrying you enough to talk about it in therapy. A therapist should be there to hear your concerns and your therapy time is your space to voice that.

I guess I feel like my feelings for her would decrease if I didn’t see her so often. And I think that would be best. I am in therapy for processing high childhood trauma and dealing with the anxieties of life thereafter. Whenever I bring up potentially moving to once weekly, she tells me that 2x weekly helps with the processing time— and by then end of session she usually says ok I’ll see you [in two days]. Maybe I need to be more direct. My feelings for her are intense, but I’m not sure what exactly they are; these don’t strike me as maternal, but not inherently sexual. She and I just get a long well. I don’t know what to make of it, which makes me hesitant to bring it up in therapy. I think she may be experiencing some cluntertransference. I think we have led similar lives, and she often relates back to me and my experiences. I worry if i bring up my feelings everything will change and I will loose this alliance ....maybe I should just leave it there. I’m worried to being up my feelings.

[ElectricManatee]

Sometimes trauma (especially childhood trauma) can cause you to experience intense emotions within the therapeutic relationship. Feelings that have been pent up and denied for a long time just build and build until it's safe for them to come out, and then they can feel huge when they finally do. It's intense but totally normal.

Does your T have training and experience in dealing with trauma? That is hugely important. I am a bit concerned that you have mentioned going to once a week several times and she doesn't seem to be hearing you. That seems like a problem. If you're getting overwhelmed, slowing down is usually a good idea, in whatever form that takes.

In a good therapeutic relationship, you should feel free to bring up any feelings you want to, including feelings about your therapist. It's okay to feel close to her and for you to mutually like each other (that is definitely true of me and my T). It's also fine to enjoy the time you spend together. But I don't think your feelings about the relationship should get in the way of whatever it is you're in therapy to work on in the first place. If you think your T has trouble letting you be your own person and difficulty keeping her feelings out of your therapy (like by not wanting to see you less), then that's something to talk about with her until you feel satisfied by what she says.

It is possible that seeing her less might not make your feelings for her diminish; the longing between sessions might actually intensify your feelings. But I do think the feelings will kept disrupting therapy until you figure out how to manage them, and I hope your T has the skills to help you with that.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by ephemeralfeelings

I guess I feel like my feelings for her would decrease if I didn’t see her so often. And I think that would be best. I am in therapy for processing high childhood trauma and dealing with the anxieties of life thereafter. Whenever I bring up potentially moving to once weekly, she tells me that 2x weekly helps with the processing time— and by then end of session she usually says ok I’ll see you [in two days]. Maybe I need to be more direct. My feelings for her are intense, but I’m not sure what exactly they are; these don’t strike me as maternal, but not inherently sexual. She and I just get a long well. I don’t know what to make of it, which makes me hesitant to bring it up in therapy. I think she may be experiencing some cluntertransference. I think we have led similar lives, and she often relates back to me and my experiences. I worry if i bring up my feelings everything will change and I will loose this alliance ....maybe I should just leave it there. I’m worried to being up my feelings.

Going to once a week may help decrease the intensity of the feelings but they also may not. You could tell her you want to try it and see how it goes for a week or two and that you would be willing to go back to two if you found it difficult? From my own experience going back to once a week just intensified my feelings for my T even more. I ended up going back to two and found the feelings and anxiety leveled out and were far less painful.

I like the description above that say

Sometimes trauma (especially childhood trauma) can cause you to experience intense emotions within the therapeutic relationship. Feelings that have been pent up and denied for a long time just build and build until it's safe for them to come out, and then they can feel huge when they finally do. It's intense but totally normal

This was totally the case for me. There was a stage when my feelings for my T started to feel overwhelming. All I wanted to do was run away and quit therapy altogether but I knew that wasn't the answer to getting better. If you have a good relationship with your T and you trust her she should be able to handle any feelings that you bring up. That might even be a good way to start by saying that you have feelings you want to address but you are worried they might change things between you.

[DP_2017]

As someone who spent many months recently at 2x a week and was CRAZY attached, and now has been at weekly, I can tell you, I am more attached, feel more needy and clingy than ever. I hate it. I don't just miss him, I MISS him, and it's so painful.

It's not like that for all, but just a case in point that sometimes weekly makes it worse. You can always just try once a week and see how you feel. Be thankful you have a T who allows you to do 2x weekly as much as you want.

[Erebos]

I am always concerned when a Tr efuses to aknowledge clients requests. Therapy should be client led, regardless of thaT's beliefs. A client should always feel secure and that they are being heard.
How can the OP possibly talk to her T about her feelings safely and ensure she is being heard, if her T won't even listen to her about scheduling. I am not surprised she isn't sure about opening up further.