[LizzieVale]

I dont know where to start, im feeling so much pain that i feel like dying. Have seriously thought that dying is the only way out of this pain that im feeling. My therapist had sex with me for 3 years. He never forced me to do anything. I wanted it also and i enjoyed it. However the crunch came when he told me that he had been deregistered from practising again due to doing the same to another patient. I have reported him to the medical board for what he did to me. I thought that he cared about me...not as in love of course but that he cared about me as a person. My husband and I havent had a sexual relationship for many many years and i was feeling desperately lonely and needed to feel intimacy again. He provided this for me and at the time I really enjoyed and didnt think that he was causing me harm by doing what he did. Its only now that its over that the feelings of being used by him have hit me. On one hand i hate him for what he did to me, but on the other hand i miss him. I feel so mixed up and dont know how im supposed to continue my life without him. I trusted my therapist for 20 years and during the first 17 years he did help me through life issues and how to cope with things at were happening in my life. I thought of him as someone that i could confide in and felt a strong bond towards him. I didnt tell anyone what happened for just over a year and just recently i told my new therapist thinking that i would feel better talking to someone about what happened but i dont feel any better. If anything I feel as though no one understands the sheer pain and heartache that im dealing with. I just cannot live with this pain and im afraid that in a moment of grief and pain that i will blurt this out to my husband.....my husband knows nothing of what happended....

[SallyBrown]

It's going to take a lot of time to get through this Lizzie, but you can do it. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I am glad that it is no longer happening. How are things with your new therapist? It's tough to start again with someone new, but if you're liking this person so far, there's hope that he/she will be able to guide you through the process of grief. The feelings here are deep and complicated. That is the sort of twisted nature of being used... these feelings of trust and need are utilized by someone for his/her own gain, but even after you realize what's up, it's not like those feelings that have been cultivated for so long disappear.

As someone who was unfaithful, my advice in dealing with your husband is to PLAN to tell him, so that it doesn't all come out at a really bad time. It will always be a bad time, but if you can prepare yourself a little and try to do it while you are as prepared as you can be to deal with his grief and likely anger, you'll be putting yourself in a better position. If I couldn't take back that actual betrayal, the next thing I would change would be to tell H myself -- I didn't, he found out on his own, and I really think it went a lot worse that way. It would have made a big difference if I had decided to come clean, and personally, I had really not been prepared for what it would look like to try to fix things. I don't want to scare you, but it will be really hard, and it will feel very burdensome for a while. But it will be WAY less burdensome than carrying the secret. PM anytime.

Hopefully others will respond... although I have never had this experience with a T, I and many others here know well how deep that bond goes, and how brutal a betrayal of that sort of deep trust can be. Take care of yourself.

[nicoleflynn]

If you contact TELL --online ......(for clients who have been abused and exploited by their therapists) you can find help there......lots of resources and if you contact them they are wonderfully helpful. I did that. It takes awhile to process being abused and betrayed. Sex with a client is unethical and in some states a felony. Unfotunately, abuse by therapists is rampant in our culture, but goes unnoticed for the most part, and therapists don't police their own.

[LizzieVale]

How on earth can i tell my husband what happened? I have to learn to live with the secret for the rest of my life. Its trying to deal with the trust that i had for my therapist for 20 years. All those years i believed that he had my best interests at heart but he used and violated me. He knew the consequences that his actions would leave on me but he didnt care. He thought first and foremost about himself and groomed me to believe and to trust him. I feel so torn between my feelings of trust and my feelings of hatred and disgust at him. How can i ever trust anyone ever again....

[moonlitsky]

Dear Lizzie

I am so sorry you have gone through this terrible experience. It is so sad that this has happened to you but unfortunately it doesn't surprise me. Please try to hold onto the fact that it isn't your fault - he exploited a very vulnerable part of you for his own gratification - he was the therapist/ adult /parent and you were the client and what he did was very wrong.

It's really great that you have come here. Try to keep on talking about it - you don't have to do anything that feels too hard at the moment - like telling your husband. Unfortunately he may not realise this isn't just an 'affair' - in runs much deeper than that. For now tell us and your new therapist and speak the pain, rage and despeair you are feeling. I will be listening.

With support

Moon

[nicoleflynn]

Dear Lizzie: ; That is a tough one; trying to trust when it has been violated. There are many books on sexual abuse by therapists (I found many in the TELL website); they are shocking. Sex in the Forbidden Zone is an excellent one by Peter Rutter. I have spoken with some responders on the TELL website. They are amazing. As for telling your husband that is something you should speak with with your new therapist. My therapy was sexualized for 7 years (no intercourse), but devastating. I kept a record of all that he said and did; it was also physical...he led me on big time.....he was married AND a pastor! Keep talking, that is the only way to begin to heal. There are some things we never fully heal from, but find a way to live with them. I recommend the TELL website and books on the subject; it helps a lot to know you aren't alone. If you want the names of the books, just ask and I will give you the titles. Hugs, Nicole

[LizzieVale]

Thank you for understanding and for not judging me. As soon as think about what he did to me i get a overwhelming sensation of pain in the pit of my stomach that just wont go away. I feel physically and emotionally sick. What hurts the most is that for 20 years of my life I thought that i had someone who i could turn to regarding any difficulites or problems that came up in my life and he always knew the answers. This is even before the sexual abuse commenced. I trusted him and not once did i question his advice or his motives towards me. I honestly thought he cared about my well being. Now im left with conflicting emotions......that part of me who thought i had someone i could go to to reasurre me and advise me of what to do is gone. He was like a father figure to me and i was the child who believed and trusted him. Now Im left with feeling of being violated and used and harmed. He knew what this would do to me but he didnt care. This is the most difficult issue that ive ever had to cope with in my life. The pain just wont go away. Those thoughts and feeling keep running through my head until i feel like escaping this madness. I have never thought about self harming myself so much as i have since this has happened. My current therapist seems understanding and is helping me work through my feelings but no one can erase the past from my head. I want peace....i dont want to think about it anymore and the only way i can think of to do this is to no longer be alive.

[LizzieVale]

Thank you Nicole, if its no trouble could i have the titles of those books that you spoke about. Knowing that im no so alone in the way that im feeling might help me to understand and not feel so afraid and so very alone....x

[LizzieVale]

Feel as though i have lost a friend and cant cope with these feelings that im expereincing. Cant motivate myself to do the most basic of tasks and just cannot function. No longer take pride in the way that i look....i hate everything about myself and I see no future. How will i ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I feel so alone and so very afraid. Will these feeling ever go away...thank you for letting me vent. I dont expect any answers.... am just basically writing down my feelings as i experience then in the hope that get through this nitemare.

[nicoleflynn]

I will send the titles on Monday (have the list at work) Try to not hate yourself; that is so defeating. You did nothing wrong. Try to put the anger where it belongs....on the abuser. I know that is hard. I had that experience. I am glad you have a therapist!

[LizzieVale]

Thank you Nicole....am trying my best to deal with my feelings. Am seeing my new therapist tomorrow x

[Jungatheart]

Lizzie,
I am so sorry and I do relate to the feelings you are going through. Hang in there! You can do this and write as often as you need. You are not alone. I relate in many ways. The TELL website - read their articles/papers - all of them. Seriously. And email them!

You have relied on this man for a long time, he made you believe that you needed him. 20 years is very enmeshed. He sexually abused you regardless of if you liked or not. It was his duty to respect you and uphold ethics. Ethics and laws really are there to protect you - and for a good reason. He has broken so many that I feel scared for people seeing him right now.

You CAN live through this, YOU can find real support and respect, even if you don't trust them right away. You have been abused. For me, validating it all has been difficult. Because I also miss him, I also loved him....to both miss him and understand that I were seriously exploited is so difficult. It's not your fault, yet you get to feel the fall out.

For the first two weeks after my own fall out - I think I cried more than I ever have in my life. And the only way I could get myself to eat was to eat my favorite food every day. I'm just saying, find your own way to take care of yourself, those little things that make you feel good do make a difference. And know that you are not alone.

With compassion.

[LizzieVale]

Originally Posted by Jungatheart

Lizzie,
I am so sorry and I do relate to the feelings you are going through. Hang in there! You can do this and write as often as you need. You are not alone. I relate in many ways. The TELL website - read their articles/papers - all of them. Seriously. And email them!

You have relied on this man for a long time, he made you believe that you needed him. 20 years is very enmeshed. He sexually abused you regardless of if you liked or not. It was his duty to respect you and uphold ethics. Ethics and laws really are there to protect you - and for a good reason. He has broken so many that I feel scared for people seeing him right now.

You CAN live through this, YOU can find real support and respect, even if you don't trust them right away. You have been abused. For me, validating it all has been difficult. Because I also miss him, I also loved him....to both miss him and understand that I were seriously exploited is so difficult. It's not your fault, yet you get to feel the fall out.

For the first two weeks after my own fall out - I think I cried more than I ever have in my life. And the only way I could get myself to eat was to eat my favorite food every day. I'm just saying, find your own way to take care of yourself, those little things that make you feel good do make a difference. And know that you are not alone.

With compassion.

Thank you for your kind and reasuring words Jungatheart. You seem to understand how im feeling. I too have never cried and felt so much pain as i have during the past year. My former therapist has been de-registered from the medical board as another female patient reported him for doing the same as what he did to me. I've also had to submit my own reports of the event and the incidents which took place. I feel as though not only am I a victim of my former therapist's abuse but now I have to relive the entire sordid events which took place. All i want to do is forget about the past.

At the time that the sexual abuse was happening i never thought of myself as a victim of sexual abuse. It was a year later that I realised my therapist wasnt the caring a person that he had led me to believe he was. I placed all my trust in this man never even for one moment questioning his motives. He made me rely on him for my sense of self worth. He knew all the right things to say to me in order to make me feel good about myself. I needed him to make me feel good about myself and i still do. He never really taught me life coping skills, he merely told me what i wanted to hear.

Its only now that he no longer part of my life that i realise how much i had come to rely on him to make myself feel validated. He was like the father that i never had. As much as i hate him i still miss the way he made me feel. Today I just feel numb and empty and without any feelings....wish i could sleep forever...

Thank you for helping me feel not so alone in my pain.... x

[moonlitsky]

Dear Lizzie

I am listening and you are in my thoughts. It's good you can write your pain here.

Moon

[nicoleflynn]

I have been through it (7 years); if you want to write to me privately I will share my experience. These are the books which I have read, or am beginning to read. I recommend the book: Sex in the Therapy Hour by Bates and Brodsky....to read first.

At Personal Risk by Marilyn Peterson
A Killing Cure by Walker and Young 1986
Sexual Exploitation by Health Professionals
Psychological Sexual Involvement with Clients , Milgrom
Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter (this is the first one I read years ago); excellent!
I did "tons" of research on the subject of sexualization/sex with clients.

I mentioned the website TELL....It is a great resource for articles, books and if you wish, you can contact them; they can help you, because they experienced being sexually abused by a therapist.

There are many more.
My e-mail: carleton@oakland.edu...you can put psych. in the subject line so I don't delete the message.

There is help and resources, but it is a long, difficult journey......I am also....an undergraduate in the mental health field.....these people don't police their own and seem oblivious to the widespread sexualization of the therapy process.

Nicole

[nicoleflynn]

TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line
This is the TELL (Therapy Exploitation Link Line)

I also sent i to your pm.

xoxo, Nicole

[LizzieVale]

Thank you hugs Nicole xx I have checked your pms....
Am on my way out right now, have a lovely day and will check out the links and info that you have sent me. Bless you for caring xxx

[Jungatheart]

[quote=LizzieVale;3007094] I too have never cried and felt so much pain as i have during the past year. My former therapist has been de-registered from the medical board as another female patient reported him for doing the same as what he did to me. I've also had to submit my own reports of the event and the incidents which took place. I feel as though not only am I a victim of my former therapist's abuse but now I have to relive the entire sordid events which took place. All i want to do is forget about the past.

At the time that the sexual abuse was happening i never thought of myself as a victim of sexual abuse. It was a year later that I realised my therapist wasnt the caring a person that he had led me to believe he was. I placed all my trust in this man never even for one moment questioning his motives. He made me rely on him for my sense of self worth. He knew all the right things to say to me in order to make me feel good about myself. I needed him to make me feel good about myself and i still do. He never really taught me life coping skills, he merely told me what i wanted to hear.

Its only now that he no longer part of my life that i realise how much i had come to rely on him to make myself feel validated. He was like the father that i never had. As much as i hate him i still miss the way he made me feel. Today I just feel numb and empty and without any feelings....wish i could sleep forever...

OH MY. I relate. You are not alone. Thank God someone reported him. I know it's difficult, but I do believe that through facing the truth, healing can change from just being a word to being an experience. Don't forget, integrate. How can this unbelievable pain make your life better? Right? There is a way, I have to believe that there is a point to the pain.

...He made me rely on him as well. Apparently not unique for abusers, yet still hard for me to term it in that way. Sense of self worth, life coping skills - all of what you say, I am right there with you. The father you never had, how you miss him, more importantly......

How we will become stronger woman. That we will and can become more whole from this insidious pain. I need people like you, so you better stick around. We need each other, and together we learn what healing means.

[Jungatheart]

Tried to quote you. Not sure what went wrong there...

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by LizzieVale

How can i ever trust anyone ever again....

Your sig says something like "treat others as you would like them to treat you."

How would you like your husband to behave if the shoe were on the other foot?

Why would you hope to trust if you yourself can't be trusted?

Maybe if you work backwards from putting yourself in your husband's position, you'll get further understanding about trust?

It's a painful thing you've gone through. I'm glad there are resources for your issue, but sad that there has to be such a thing.

[nicoleflynn]

Unfotunately, therapist abuse is rampant, but rarely talked about. THey protect their own, just like MD's. If a client decides to report, it is a long uphill battle. I have read books where the client reports and one woman......it took her 5 years to have the therapist lose his license. It used to be that it was rare for anyone to believe it happened and it isn't much better now.

[LizzieVale]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Your sig says something like "treat others as you would like them to treat you."

How would you like your husband to behave if the shoe were on the other foot?

Why would you hope to trust if you yourself can't be trusted?

Maybe if you work backwards from putting yourself in your husband's position, you'll get further understanding about trust?

It's a painful thing you've gone through. I'm glad there are resources for your issue, but sad that there has to be such a thing.

So what are saying?

That this entire situation was my fault and that I'm not to be trusted ?

Forgive me if I am reading this incorrectly, but that's the impression that i am getting

[Jungatheart]

Lizzie - focus your energies on whose feedback you want to take in. Please. Compassion for yourself is what is needed. As NicoleF stated, therapist abuse is more rampant and a unique type of abuse. Don't take in other abuse right now. Not worth your energy. You validate yourself. Criticism and judgment is not the way out. If anything, use those words to confront your own inner judge.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I was saying that I still held some personal blame for my therapist's exploitation. That I had pushed boundaries, that I was needy, that I ignored red flags. She said something that was so right on - that clients of therapists always push boundaries, always. She's a therapist so she knows. She said hands down, it is always the therapists responsibility to uphold ethics. She also said that I wanted those red flags - its so true. I had normal transference and he egged it on, and I liked it. To the point that he took over my life. It's hard not to feel ashamed about that - I used to consider myself an independent person and thinker. He was good and he got me. Surely a skilled manipulator.

Hang in there.

[LizzieVale]

Thank you Jungatheart and nicoleflynn,
Believe me I really am trying to be kind to compassionate to myself but its so difficult. Its difficult to explain but for 20 years he was the only person that i could turn to whenever i needed to make sense of my of life or ask advice regarding issues in my life. During the majority of those 20 years he really did help me, or at least i thought he helped me. I dont know at what stage he decided that he wanted me in a sexual manner. Regardless of the sexual part of our relationship, he provided me with a sense of feeling safe and secure in the knowledge that no matter what he was always there for me. I now associate my feelings of feeling good about myself with him. I don't have that anymore. As much as i know what he did was wrong I miss him and the feelings of security that he provided me with. Now I'm left feeling totally confused and alone and with two sets of conflicting feelings about him. On the one hand i miss him and am left with a huge void in my life. On the other hand i despise him immensely for doing what he knew was wrong and would impact me in a negative manner.

How do i move forward in my life and forget all about him ?

Will i ever get over this? How long before i start feeling better about myself? I have so many questions but no answers.

[Jungatheart]

Yes, of course there was good. That's why you went, kept going. Is there a point that you remember things changing? It would have been way before it turned sexual. Have you written out a time-line of it all? You may find that helpful.

Those conflicting thoughts and feelings make everything that much more painful. He instigated your dependency and for a reason. That's been a hard fact for me to swallow, that he made me feel like I "needed" him in order to feel good - for his own power, all disguised in the name of care. That's one of the biggest catastrophes of it all and an evil violation. It blows my mind that anyone would do such a thing, but I am beginning to accept this.

20 years is a very long time, and it's going to take some time to heal the many layers that are involved. You will start to feel more confident in your ability to feel good on your own. That is the truth - he was never actually necessary in order for you to feel safe and secure within yourself. That was a lie he fed you, and it ties into wanting a parent figure to take care of us. Who wouldn't want that, especially if you never had it as a kid. That's where/how self compassion comes in.

I can't really speak to your questions, but you can email the TELL volunteers who have a good amount of time out from their abusers. They are from all over the world. Their articles on their website have some good insights. Part of shame is the secrecy, so telling trusted individuals can help you move forward.

All I know to do is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to just let myself feel, trying to gain some understanding, trying to reach out, trying to be more self loving in moments, trying to feel more hope than wounded in moments. Some days are better than others - so also trying to have patience.