Inconsistency

when your therapist started sexualizing your therapy, were there some days when everything felt almosy totally normal and professional and other days when some things felt wrong and the normal days made it easy to explain away the weird moments from other days?

Yes, pretty much exactly that. The therapy gets very confusing. Maybe you start to question yourself - I am making this up? My T can't really feel this way or want to do this...We're both handling our feelings...It's part of the therapy...

What you really should be thinking is - There's a shark circling me and I need to get out of the water right now.

Free advice, take it or leave it: Go have a consultation with another therapist. One session, explain what's happening and see what they say. I would do it on your own, not through your current T.

that’s good advice. i’m very confused and am questioning myself. i go from thinking, this definitely isn’t happening to this is happening, from week to week.

I pm'd you.....

I've never had a T that sexualized my therapy (had one who did a lot of gaslighting in other ways). But based on my experiences in other relationships that were not supposed to have anything sexual/romantic, where people did this, it was exactly like you describe in the OP. I would say that if you have this recurring feeling and perception, it is probably not unfounded. In my case, I could resolve it a few times simply by not reacting to those subtle (or less subtle) attempts at all. Other times I would just tell them straight that I don't like that behavior and have zero interest. People might try a few more times but then often give up in the absence of reinforcement and then we could continue with the real focus of the connection. I imagine there are people so aggressive/obsessed that they won't give up, but that is extreme. The problem is more when you respond/engage/allow it, that reinforces their motives.

In the case of a therapist - has he been useful to you at all? If not, I would definitely dump him. If he is useful in other ways, maybe the above strategy and stay firm and uncompromising with it.

He tried to return to the ‘old Pdoc’ and listen to my issues after he sexualized our therapy but it never worked.

Therapy stopped the moment he helped me with my buttons.

i feel like he is messing with my mind.
he hasnt helped me with buttons or anything though. that would definitely be clearly sexual. its not like that. its very subtle.

no it was 100% all the time after he confessed sexual desire for me

he hasn’t been explicit about anything, it’s all innuendo and suspicious touching etc

When others sexualized me, I sensed a continual presence of the interest every time I was around them, regardless of inconsistency in their behaviors.

blackocean:
“I feel like he is messing with my mind.
he hasnt helped me with buttons or anything though. that would definitely be clearly sexual. its not like that. its very subtle.“

“he hasn’t been explicit about anything, it’s all innuendo and suspicious touching etc”

That’s how it was in the beginning for me. He was subtle, used innuendos, brought up sexual topics into the therapy... phoned me late in evening with more innuendo and half spoken phrases that didn’t make sense. Then he wouldn’t explain.

Now, looking back, I think he *wanted* me to ask him, “Are you saying we should be intimate together” (or similar question.)

HE didn’t want to bring it up.
HE wanted the question to come from ME so he could blame it all on me at a later time.
HE was trying to make it all my idea, all my fault.
HE wanted to be able to deny the idea EVER came from him.

blackocean, could this be true for your situation?

it could be because he sometimes comments on my bad choices and how i put myself in some of my bad situations

Maybe start journaling your therapy sessions, so you have a clear idea of what was said and done. innuendos and non consensual touching in therapy doesn't sound good at all. You could also bring it up and see how he reacts? I think documenting it is a good step though. I did this during a time of great confusion (nothing inappropriate on his part) and it really helped me to clarify the situation.