[growlycat]

I have no problem feeling a bond and a sense of love towards my therapist. What I don’t want is the more inappropriate side to those feelings. Wanting more. I don’t want to want more than I have. Not from him. Not towards a married man

How do you make those feelings go away? Everyone says talk about it with your t but I know the whole litany of things he could say. Each one more devastating than the next. If I talk to him about this I don’t think he’d refer me out but he could change boundaries. I have no intention of behaving inappropriately but these feelings are killing me. It’s wierd to have such chemistry with someone yet there’s no possibility of more ever happening at least romantically. The universe mocks me.

What do I do? Seek another t? What a rabbit hole that is. The whole catch is that therapy doesn’t work for me without strong positive feelings mutually. My therapy works very well otherwise.

[unaluna]

Does it have to be a whole THING? Does he have to RESPOND? Isnt alright if i just say, "okay, thats your vacation THIS year, but NEXT year we are definitely taking our honeymoon."

Then repeat the next year or vacation. Eventually you work thru the stuff, in bits and pieces thruout the the year(s). But it doesnt have to be resolved THIS MINUTE. You talk a little about what it means to miss him on this vacation (or whatever), to do X alone, etc. You just chip away at it. But you recognize it as one of the major themes of your therapy and try to see whats behind it.

Then you sign up for match.com and wonder why all the guys, tho objectively okay-looking, perhaps even attractive, just dont appeal to you.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Does it have to be a whole THING? Does he have to RESPOND? Isnt alright if i just say, "okay, thats your vacation THIS year, but NEXT year we are definitely taking our honeymoon."

Then repeat the next year or vacation. Eventually you work thru the stuff, in bits and pieces thruout the the year(s). But it doesnt have to be resolved THIS MINUTE. You talk a little about what it means to miss him on this vacation (or whatever), to do X alone, etc. You just chip away at it. But you recognize it as one of the major themes of your therapy and try to see whats behind it.

Then you sign up for match.com and wonder why all the guys, tho objectively okay-looking, perhaps even attractive, just dont appeal to you.

Soooo you are saying I have a chance? Chip away at him slowly? Break him down? Then when it all falls apart go to match.com? Challenge accepted

[growlycat]

Ps I don’t appeal to men. I’ve gotten the memo many tines

[unaluna]

P.p.s. yeah neither do i. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in while.

[healed84]

I have no experience with this.. however, something just struck me when reading your post. You said you don’t think that therapy works for you if you don’t have the positive mutual feelings. (Something among those lines anyways).. but does it have to be a romantic mutual feeling?

I have never had to deal with romantic feelings for a t, but I do feel like we have mutual positive feelings for each other. Like we both respect each other. I generally care about his well being as a person as a whole and I feel he does the same for me. Perhaps you can identify those positive feelings and focus in those? I am sure much easier said than done.

What I don’t want is the more inappropriate side to those feelings. Wanting more. I don’t want to want more than I have.

Was is the fear?
Do you gave sexual abuse trauma?

Feelings like this can pass.

I didn't mind the sexual feelings for my T at all so probably hard for me to relate. I think my T is cute and I enjoy my sexuality....

But I sure can relate to fears. You've been really quiet here lately, hope your therapy is going well otherwise.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Soooo you are saying I have a chance? Chip away at him slowly? Break him down? Then when it all falls apart go to match.com? Challenge accepted

No no no. This is YOUR rock of Gibralter that you need to surmount. When you get thru it, youre in sunny Spain!

Cuz i dont believe its about him. Why would i just HAPPEN to be SO IN LOVE with my t, and you with yours? Its their role, not their delightful persons.

Theres a bunch of people on this site who agree with you, not with me, but tough noogies (yes thats the technical term!)

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by healed84

I have no experience with this.. however, something just struck me when reading your post. You said you don’t think that therapy works for you if you don’t have the positive mutual feelings. (Something among those lines anyways).. but does it have to be a romantic mutual feeling?

I have never had to deal with romantic feelings for a t, but I do feel like we have mutual positive feelings for each other. Like we both respect each other. I generally care about his well being as a person as a whole and I feel he does the same for me. Perhaps you can identify those positive feelings and focus in those? I am sure much easier said than done.

Thank you! Yes i doubt t has romantic feelings for me and I don’t think I want that either. But it’s confusing. I find myself resenting his decades of having a happy family. I don’t want to resent him either. I know I just don’t want to feel this way. It doesn’t have an off switch

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by octoberful

Was is the fear?
Do you gave sexual abuse trauma?

Feelings like this can pass.

I didn't mind the sexual feelings for my T at all so probably hard for me to relate. I think my T is cute and I enjoy my sexuality....

But I sure can relate to fears. You've been really quiet here lately, hope your therapy is going well otherwise.

Abuse yes sexual a big gray question mark. I’ll never really know for sure

With my t in CA I didn’t mind the attraction to him. It was a pleasant warm
Buzz but I didn’t desire it to come to fruition.

I feel like I really know my latest t. I still only see him at his best so I’m realistic about that. It just doesn’t seem fair that I’d hit it off so well with someone I will never have a chance with. That it won’t go anywhere frustrates me.

I still come to pc but my t has been criticized here yet has never done anything I think is inappropriate. Others disagree. Our therapy is unorthodox but still has boundaries.

Even if he were a rigid t I think might have happened anyways. I don’t know how to appreciate what I have and not long for more

[Calla lily12]

Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?

Yes actually

Originally Posted by growlycat

Abuse yes sexual a big gray question mark. I’ll never really know for sure

With my t in CA I didn’t mind the attraction to him. It was a pleasant warm
Buzz but I didn’t desire it to come to fruition.

I feel like I really know my latest t. I still only see him at his best so I’m realistic about that. It just doesn’t seem fair that I’d hit it off so well with someone I will never have a chance with. That it won’t go anywhere frustrates me.

I still come to pc but my t has been criticized here yet has never done anything I think is inappropriate. Others disagree. Our therapy is unorthodox but still has boundaries.

Even if he were a rigid t I think might have happened anyways. I don’t know how to appreciate what I have and not long for more

The feelings of Envy. I get you. Unrequited love.

I think of that with my T too. I'm happy he has everything but I feel envious. Had everything going for me and screwed it all up, well I had trauma and depression so forgive myself...but feel opportunities have passed in a bad way.

It might help you get where you want to be though? It's not too late to get what you want. Maybe working through this could get you closer to where you want to be?

I don’t know how to appreciate what I have and not long for more

That speaks of having guilt for your envious feelings. Sounds like oedipal complex.

Your envy will not harm him, it's ok to be envious. Give yourself a break. He will understand.

[unaluna]

I cant find that quote. Are you truly appreciating what you have? You ARE allowed to have it, and delight in it. Wanting more kinda keeps you from enjoying it, doesnt it? "Eating your cake and having it too" is actually the true order of the expression. What we get in t is symbolic - mine was, anyway. Like several winters of t wrapping my scarf around my neck. Literally, mom never did. Doesnt your inner child need anything? I feel like men could tell.

[captgut]

I hear you. I hate myself for wanting more and I know nothing will ever happen. I don't want to ruin our therapy, so I wish I could just make those feelings go away. I don't know how.

He's happily married, I'm lonely and miserable. I hope he loves me platonically (I doubt, but I hope), but deep down I wish he felt something more. I know it's wrong. I know it would ruin everything. It's so confusing. I know it's not about him, it's about me - I want to be loved, so I seek it from the only person in my life I can truly trust.

I should tell him, but I won't. Sorry for being useless, just wanted to send you some hugs and support. You're not alone.

[MoxieDoxie]

I can handle the erotic transference that comes about when a different part is in the drivers seat. What kills me the most is the need and desire to be cared by him like he is my father and I am a young child. That is the most aching feeling and it makes me grieve so intensely. To me that is shameful as I am at least 15 years older than him.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

Sorry, this will sound ridiculous but I think we love our t's cause of what they represent. Now picture him doing something disgusting like picking his nose......still love him?

I think many do love them for what they represent but not all. Some clients do actually get to know their T's on a quite personal level, so I'd say, it then becomes they love the person they have gotten to know, as with any relationship

That being said... my T outright yelled at me. Got pissy several times in the time we had together, often talked about his ways of dealing with things they were not that pleasant, complained about other people, told me that his dad was a very angry man and "I got a lot of that from him" and yet, 100% still love him

He left me, he cut me out of his life and showed 0 emotion when I was sobbing in the final sessions. He seemed very cold. I 100% still love him

I have always seen people as flawed, I never expect perfection from anyone. I actually look for flaws in people sometimes. I try to embrace that part of them.

I know growly outside PC and I know her and her T have a very out there relationship as far as in comparison to anything I read here. It works for her, so I am cool with it. However it's very possible, she does know him very well... and maybe she has seen some not so good things in him or he's talked about them


OP-- As for your question, I sadly have no idea how... but I will send you a message that might help you. I just don't feel comfortable sharing it here.

[Calla lily12]

DP2017 I'm so sorry your relationship was so up and down, but still, you loved him. That says a lot about you as a person. You're kind and forgiving.. Who am I to say what's harmful? I don't know everyone's circumstance. So, it is what it is. Only the person in the relationship can say if it's good or bad.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Calla lily12

DP2017 I'm so sorry your relationship was so up and down, but still, you loved him. That says a lot about you as a person. You're kind and forgiving.. Who am I to say what's harmful? I don't know everyone's circumstance. So, it is what it is. Only the person in the relationship can say if it's good or bad.

Thanks for that non judgmental reply. I appreciate that

[TeaVicar?]

I don't know, I really don't know but I like Unaluna's take - they can't all be that attractive, right?

If you were the child of a narcissist, google echoism. Among other things that ring true for me, there's something about being stuck in an unrequited love situation/pattern. I keep thinking about breaking patterns that become stuck or changing the script. Some say that you have to re-experience the pain before change can happen, I don't know that I agree.

But yeah, talk and chip away.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by TeaVicar?

I don't know, I really don't know but I like Unaluna's take - they can't all be that attractive, right?

If you were the child of a narcissist, google echoism. Among other things that ring true for me, there's something about being stuck in an unrequited love situation/pattern. I keep thinking about breaking patterns that become stuck or changing the script. Some say that you have to re-experience the pain before change can happen, I don't know that I agree.

But yeah, talk and chip away.

Thanks. I did google echoism and I do have a narcissist father. And I am a people pleaser. I’m trying to connect that to my situation with t but not seeing the thread?

Originally Posted by growlycat

Thanks. I did google echoism and I do have a narcissist father. And I am a people pleaser. I’m trying to connect that to my situation with t but not seeing the thread?

I thought your T sharing more would decrease the chance for the erotic transference, but it does seem to be different with everyone. Some people develop more transference, some less.

My T was rather blank slate, which I think actually (though unintentionally) encouraged my erotic transference since I never had a relationship with my father given he was totally unavailable. So a repetition of my past. (I refer to oedipal complex, but that's just symbolism to having never had a relationship with my father).

Have you identified ways you may be repeating your past?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlycat

... But it’s confusing. I find myself resenting his decades of having a happy family. I don’t want to resent him either. I know I just don’t want to feel this way. It doesn’t have an off switch

Have you talked about these feelings with him? Is he able to discuss them without taking it personally? Cuz its really more about you than him.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by octoberful

I thought your T sharing more would decrease the chance for the erotic transference, but it does seem to be different with everyone. Some people develop more transference, some less.

My T was rather blank slate, which I think actually (though unintentionally) encouraged my erotic transference since I never had a relationship with my father given he was totally unavailable. So a repetition of my past. (I refer to oedipal complex, but that's just symbolism to having never had a relationship with my father).

Have you identified ways you may be repeating your past?

This happened with my last t but that t was more of a blank slate so that’s why I thought it happened last time. It never happened the 15-20 years before that with others.

I did not grow up with the love and attention I needed. So there is that I guess Not really a repeating pattern just latching onto finally getting a form of love and attention