How to make those feelings go away

I hope you know I was just kidding when I made that remark about still loving him when he does something disgusting. I'm sorry if I hurt you .

So you were kind of caught off guard, I see.

Ya know mumy sexual feelings were such a mix and didn't all come from the same source. Sometimes it was just from feeling cared about or nurtured rather than any special meaning.

From what you said it seems your disress is less about the actual physical feelings and more about the feelings of envy.

So even if the physical feelings pass, the emotional may still be there? Or the physical is a reminder of the emotional, so when the physical component goes away, the emotional can then be avoided?

You didn’t hurt me you gave me a chuckle. I’ve seen him eat a hard boiled egg with his mouth open. But yeah gross but still love him

I’ve been really upset and t called me tonight. It finally came up and although we talked around it or I talked around it he guessed what my issue is. Thankfully he thank me for caring about him so much and he knows I won’t break boundaries. He reminded me that there are rules. Strangely not “I’m not attracted to you” (although I’m pretty sure he isn’t). Or even “I’m married “ (which I already know he is). Just that we know that rules are in place that we must follow.

If he can fit me in tomorrow we will talk about it. I’m
Nervous but thankful he didn’t say the obvious in a way that hurts like hell.

Not really that strange, is it? That’s the sort of thing you say to someone you meet and know casually who then asks you out. Or the person in the hotel bar when you’re at a conference who hits on you.

They’re not things you say to someone you know well and care about.

So far, so good. Great.

dP, you know you and I have some different experiences, but I just want to say that I don't know how people could judge you for loving him! Love is a feeling- I don't think you choose it!

It's impossible to have a mutually loving relationship with a narcissist because they only see themselves. they don't see us. So it is experienced as an unrequited love, we love but we aren't loved back. Maybe that's partly what is being replayed in therapy? Not because the T is a narcissist (though I think quite a few are) but it's the pain that we're seeking on some level to replay... maybe to process the original pain??

It's great that he has acknowledged your feelings. that's a good sign already.

Absolutely the same here. The lack of self disclosure intensified my ET for sure. He became less real and more of a fantasy in my head. But isn't that the original reason for the more traditional style, because it brings out "the transference/s", which can then be worked on? I think it's a very outdated method and a bit of a contradiction, when you think about past trauma's that are supposed to be helped by therapy. I felt as though I was replaying my early traumas for a long time, while dealing with ET/attachment.

sorry to derail!

Yes, I agree that is the method of the madness.

But about the point of outdatedness--It was difficult with my trauma history, but I find that method changed my cognitive structure. I don't think of it as outdated at all. Kind of like-people have been eating eggs for centuries. Aren't they still just as useful?

New stuff is often recycled old stuff used to market and sell anyway.

In what way did it change your cognitive structure?

I guess it depends whether you like eggs in the first place and how you like to eat them

No therapist can be a blank slate - they have pictures on the walls, they wear clothes, they have things on their desk, they use a certain pen, they have a car outside etc. All of these things conjure up a person with a personality.

My issue with the traditional psychoanalytic method, is that it already makes the work even harder to start with. It's harder to build trust, harder to be open and honest and I think it makes the process more painful than it could be, with a slightly softer approach. In my view, it creates unnecessary additional suffering. I also think that the emphasis on fostering an environment for transference to blossom/fester is misplaced because undoubtedly things will happen or go wrong or the therapist will wear funny socks or something, and all of these things will have an effect and will create feelings in the client. So why not create an open conversation about something and deal with those feelings there and then? Obviously I don't mean that the therapist should blab about their entire life but revealing nothing is also an extreme. What about the middle ground?

I do feel it's outdated (unlike eggs!) and dogmatic and stems from an old patriarchal, authoritarian system which views the therapist as superior to the client... who is often referred to as the "patient" and is the sick one. I wonder what they are frightened of?

Train is totally off the tracks, sorry growly x

All discourse welcome here. I’m enjoying the read.

I don't have parts anymore, it's all integrated.

My ego boundaries don't blur anymore. Before I used to (unconsciously) let others enter my boundaries. These were usually controlling, sadistic, or abusive people. Even people doing people pleasing, as that is a type of control too. These are more mild than not with most people, so its not easy to see but now that I've done this therapy I can perceive these subtle intrusions from others but they no longer cross my psychological boundaries.

I wish I knew the answer to this.