My therapist admitted he’s attracted to me

@SummerTime12
It’s understandable having strong feelings when a T discloses something like that.
It makes me wonder how many of his other clients hear similar disclosures from him? Would it change your feelings toward him if you knew he is that unethical with many of his other clients?

I’m also curious about his age and level of training? Is he an M.D., Ph.D., ? I wonder if he’s ever had board complaints/disciplines made against him for unethical conduct? In many states you can search his board online to see if he has been disciplined by his governing body.

I’ve read experts say that where there is one exploitation victim, there are usually others.

He is exploiting you, Summer. He’s not allowed to use you to get his ‘jollies’ or needs met. I’m not sure which issues brought you to therapy but I feel confident saying I feel his unguarded answers are derailing why you sought therapy in the first place.

This is not going anywhere good. Please find another therapist for, at least, a consultation about your T. Would you be willing to do that?

This is exactly what I was talking about. Cancel any upcoming appointments you have with him. Do not contact him and do not feel like you need to confront or explain. He is not giving you a safe place anymore. He is on the verge of trying to take advantage of you.

Based on what I've heard, I'd cancel all appointments and file a formal grievance. This is highly unethical and concerning, and it's possible that this therapist might do this to another patient. This needs to be reported, if only for the safety of other clients.

Agree. He’s already taking advantage of her, imo. He’s letting her therapy become derailed so he can feel wanted, admired and adored. He gets off on this.
It’s a power trip...that could easily lead to something worse.

He’s testing you, Summer, to see how far you will let him go. Perhaps that appears attractive to you right now. I can see a client getting wrapped up in all these compliments so they feel special for one hour a week, especially when they might not feel loved or appreciated at home....and so they don’t have to deal with the realities of the issues that brought them to therapy in the first place.

I would guess the issues you brought to therapy are getting worse, not better. Right?

This is clearly T’s fault and his responsibility. If he was ethical....if he actually cared for you...or even his profession...he would not let these concerns continue.

He’s supposed to help you with your issues, Summer. He’s not supposed to give you *more* hurt and issues to deal with!

Therapy is supposed to be about helping you, the client. I don't see how he's helping you by telling you this, and in fact it sounds potentially harmful. I know it is painful to break off a relationship that has felt good in the past, but I have to agree with the people above that say this sounds bad. At least consult with someone else.

I don't have time to read this whole thread but I just want to say if you feel something is off it is probably because it is. When I was young I played this game with men in authority. You know, wanting to keep a work relationship or friendship...but they would get inappropriate...always starts with words. Now I SO WISH I had addressed it. I don't think therapy is the place for personal exchanges regarding therapist's thoughts and feelings.

Also, once I fired a therapist because I didn't agree to his methods. They weren't out-of-bounds I just thought he was arrogant...and basically wrong. Okay. So then he calls me up and invites me out to this very expensive Teahouse. I was in the middle of getting separated after a long marriage and very vulnerable. Him inviting me to this kind of sexy expensive restaurant was, I FELT IN MY BONES, all wrong. But I still went!!! I really wish I had stood up and said, "I don't find you attractive, I think you're an arrogant narcissist, and I'm ought of here."

Just saying...trust your feelings. I hate therapists now so be mindful I am negatively biased.

Thank you everyone for taking the time and caring enough to share your opinions, it means a lot. I’m considering reaching out to my old therapist to get her opinion on what’s going on, do you think that would be weird? She was my therapist about 4 years ago, but I still have her number and we’ve kept in contact about 1-2x per year since. I would tell my psychiatrist, but she knows my therapist’s name and I don’t want her to confront him or anything.

It’s weird because I know everyone is saying he’s exploiting me, but I don’t feel exploited. He’s been really clear in every conversation about this stuff saying that nothing will ever happen between us. It’s hard to wrap my head around everything.
@precaryous, he’s and LPC and is 37. I’m 26. He doesn’t have any complaints against him.

Well, I didn't say your situation was exploitive. Did I? Maybe. I said perhaps the words were crossing boundaries. I said trust your feelings. I think talking with a trusted former therapist sounds great. As is coming on here and posting this thread. I think you are doing the exact right thing...you are exploring the territory. I gave an example of something that wasn't ethically wrong...a former therapist inviting me to tea -- I mean he wasn't my therapist at the time. But just thinking about it now still creeps me out. It just felt wrong then and it still fells wrong. That's all.

I am really proud of you! When I was young so much happened that I can't even talk about now...because it was a different era. This is the era of freedom and empowerment and it is your era. Lucky you!

I am the therapist-hater and I warned you...but I don't want to judge your counselor.

I want to encourage your empowerment. Your mindfulness and awareness has really made me happy today. Thank you. Stay safe, always.

Hugs, Summer. I think reaching out to your former T should be fine. You could also consider consulting with another T if you like (I've done that a couple times regarding conflicts with my current T, and it helped).

Summer, yes, I agree with the others, contacting your old therapist about this would be helpful...it wouldn’t be weird.

I understand about not wanting to give his name to a consulting therapist. That’s how I handled it when it happened to me. I didn’t give his name for the longest time. I was afraid matters would be taken out of my hands before I understood what, exactly, was going on.

Good for you.

I think it's a really good idea to talk to your former T, since it sounds like you're on good terms with her and would feel comfortable.

Contact your former t please. This isn’t acceptable, what he is doing. I’d stop seeing him immediately

Thanks for the support everyone! I talked to my old therapist today and she is concerned. She thinks he crossed the line and definitely should not have shared that with me, but she also said she understands why it would be hard to start over with a new therapist. She said to listen to my gut feelings.. which right now are telling me something is off. It’s weird though because while I’m there in the room with him I do still feel safe. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to start over though. I guess the next step would be meeting with a brand new therapist to see how it feels, but I’m not ending with my current therapist for now.

Wow. How utterly unethical.

Therapists are not there to answer any- and all questions that clients have. There is such a thing as boundaries. That doesn't abdicate clients from (self-) responsibility but first and foremost, the T needs to assess what good it would do for the client to disclose anything.

I didn't see anything good with him even saying he found you (sexually) attractive but then to disclose that he had sexual fantasies about you??

This beats it all Really? It's not helpful to detail the sexual fantasies he had yet he deemed it helpful to admit that he had such (inappropriate) fantasies in the first place. That is all kinds of wrong.

I'm concerned you decided to stay with him... but like I said earlier on, responsibility is also a two-way street. So be it.

I don't think the responsibility rests with you. You are vulnerable and he is affirming... I can completely understand your current preference to stay with him. BUT - I DEFINITELY don't think it is in your best interests to do so. His disclosure was not in a grey area - it completely crosses the line. This is not someone who is working for you, he is now working ON you with his own aims (whether or not they are conscious). It's hard to believe that he isn't aware of how unethical his behaviour is. He is in a position of power here and that is why the responsibility is his - however, he has proved that he is untrustworthy so I would make the one powerful move you can and get away.

I’m more confused than ever now because I ended up telling my psychiatrist the whole situation, and she didn’t seem alarmed at all. She she didn’t say it was ok or not ok, and said he might be using an approach that makes use of transference and countertransference. She also suggested I talk to him about my concerns. Now he’s said some more than what I’ve posted here. I don’t want to post it on this thread because I don’t want it to be out there forever, but I do really want feedback on it because I’m very confused, especially after my psychiatrist’s neutral response.

Could I send a list of the things he has said to anyone to get your opinion? Thank you to everyone who has given input so far regarding his previous disclosures. I would love to get opinions from people who have already chimed in along with anyone else who is willing.

I'm happy to read it if you want to pm me and will give you my perspective as best I can.

I will read a pm too. I think if it makes you uncomfortable, that's a problem.

I'm not impressed that your psychiatrist would apparently be on board with using sexual flattery as a therapeutic intervention. Did you tell her he said he has had sexual fantasies about you? I'm sorry, my mind is having trouble grasping how that could possibly be in your interests. I don't think it would be ok for a friend to say that to you, let alone a professional. It's like... sexual harassment or something.

Summer, this T has invested deeply in your life, in helping you live. This happened with my T. He gradually loosened his boundaries for me, until he didnt recognize himself as a T. My heart is broken.

I worry for you he will go too far for himself, & there will be backlash when he is a good T for you & you need him.

i think sometimes t's sincerely want to heal, and they end up giving too much.

I wonder if it would be seen differently if you would insert employer, teacher, mentor, or next door neighbor instead of the word T. Would you be flattered or creeped ou? Somehow, Ts get a pass for saying these things that other professions do not.

It is wildly inappropriate and shocking that another T and psychiatrist is not alarmed by this. It is not a therapeutic technique. Your T is using poor judgment.

To be honest I’m not really sure why my psychiatrist reacted the way she did. Maybe she just didn’t want to scare me? I told her everything he’s said, from having fantasies to admitting that he’s thought of me while doing something sexual. It’s kinda crazy-making how different her response was from nearly everyone here. I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Today I tried to talk to him about how my sexual feelings towards him are still there and bothering me, but I don’t feel like it helped at all. It’s like he doesn’t understand how distressing it is for me to want more with my therapist, while simultaneously needing him to remain safe. I feel like what I really need to tell him is that I think he messed up in sharing so much with me—but I’m terrified to do that. I also know it’s my fault because I asked him, so I can’t really complain. I know why he did it and I don’t think he had bad intentions. He wanted to model honesty and show that “thoughts are just thoughts,” and we aren’t bad for simply having thoughts. I don’t think I was in a good place emotionally to be able to handle hearing so much honesty from him though. It’s left me confused and made me question things a lot. I still trust him and don’t believe he would ever allow anything psychical to happen, but idk. I want to tell him this so bad, but then there’s part of me that doesn’t want to shut it down in case he shares more personal thoughts about me. I want to know more, even though I know I shouldn’t.

This actually sounds like it could be what’s happening, but in all other ways he holds boundaries firmly? And nothing inappropriate has come from what he’s shared with me, so I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve also still been able to talk to him about trauma and other sensitive things lately and not feel weird about it. If he was doing something wrong, wouldn’t I feel unsafe talking about sexual trauma with him? I’m so confused.

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Originally Posted by SummerTime12 This actually sounds like it could be what’s happening, but in all other ways he holds boundaries firmly? And nothing inappropriate has come from what he’s shared with me, so I’m not sure how to feel. I’ve also still been able to talk to him about trauma and other sensitive things lately and not feel weird about it. If he was doing something wrong, wouldn’t I feel unsafe talking about sexual trauma with him? I’m so confused.

No matter what this is NOT ok. Never. Never acceptable.

Idk, i think maybe context would be helpful here. There would be a big difference between the t having a fixation on the client, or simply admitting he enjoys an ever-changing imaginary cast of characters. "Do you ever think about me?" Sure - who doesnt think of an acquaintance! Yes, even then. Dont be so Victorian! ("Think of England!") The point is to get to whats hidden in the clients mind, not the ts mind. He may say whatever just to ferret it out. Hes not sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Hes trying to find what scares you and why.