Sudden Crush on Female Therapist

How do you get over a crush on your female therapist?

Have you tried to post on psychotherapy sub forum? Lots of people there have crushes and all kind of other feelings for their therapists, sometimes having feelings for every therapist/doctor/professional they see. It’s one of the main topics of posts on there. They might have some suggestions how to approach it (tell their therapist, stop seeing said therapist, only see therapists of a gender they aren’t attracted to etc). It seems to be something that happens often for number of reasons. Posters often do have a good insight on that subforum, so I’d check it out

I'm a heterosexual female who has a crush on my (also heterosexual) female therapist. The only thing that has helped me is to talk about it openly with her and try to understand where the feelings are coming from. However, I know that's not always possible to do depending on your comfort level with being honest about these feelings and how your T is likely to take them. I'm blessed with a very open minded, unflappable, accepting T but not everyone is. Please be reassured you're definitely not alone as it's very common to feel like this about a T regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Thanks for your response. Here is a little more detail..

I’ve been seeing her for about 7 years. She is a few years younger than me. I am in a sexless marriage. A few weeks ago, I learned that she filed for divorce two years ago. Two weeks ago, she told me she was going on vacation from 8/19 through 8/30. I asked her where she was going, and she told me she was taking a driving trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (I live in the Chicago area).

Somehow, this caused me to become attracted to her when I never was previously (she is an attractive, but not gorgeous woman) If she were married and going with her husband, that wouldn’t have bothered me. But now I am very jealous that she is taking this trip - she has something I don’t have. And I now had sexual fantasies about her and am very depressed. .

I discussed this with her during most recent session (before her trip). She was cool with it. I know I am idealizing her - putting her on a pedestal. She has assured me that my feelings have nothing to do with her. This is just transference. But how do I get over my depression and my obsession with her? My next session is Monday, 8/31.

The answer to getting over feelings like these is to understand where they're coming from. One can certainly label them transference but that means they're coming from somewhere. Sometimes they come from the past, like reacting to T as if she's a parent, but sometimes the feelings are more about what you've disowned in yourself.

You say the attraction began after finding out your T was going on a driving trip, presumably alone? I wonder if you're attracted to something she represents, like her independence or courage in going on a trip alone? I believe that people are attracted or repelled to traits in others that we don't always recognise in ourselves. Could it be that you admire something about your T's character that you need for yourself? Maybe you're depressed because you don't feel you are the type of person she is? That is part of it for me.

In your shoes I would speak to T about what it might be that you're actually attracted to. It needs her to be very open in exploring this with you rather than brushing off your feelings. It's probably true that you're putting her on a pedestal but that's very normal in therapy and is usually a phase.

Thanks for your advice. Actually, my attraction started when I assumed she was taking this driving trip with a new man in her life. Made me very jealous that this man is going to have a romantic week with her (although, in reality, I have no idea who she is going with). The transference, I’m quite certain, comes from my frustration over my sexless marriage.

Okay so it's kind of about what you don't have in your life and jealousy that your T has it? I think it's still worth thinking about why you're suddenly fantasiing about T in a sexual way as it says something about your work with her, even if it's simply that you feel safe enough to imagine what you want sexually with her. I think it's unlikely the obsession will vanish unless it's understood well and you're able to get those needs met in your life somehow. I hope things work out for you.

I think you are correct. It’s about what’s missing in my life. I’m going to work on all of this with my T.

It sounds like your T is comfortable with what you told her. So I agree with Lonely that you should explore this with her, where the feelings are coming from. I've dealt with this before (though for male T--I'm a heterosexual female), and it can be difficult. But it helps to realize where it's coming from. Also, that your T in real life most likely isn't the person she is in the room with you. Or at least the relationship isn't the same as what you'd have if you knew her outside of therapy--as then you'd be dealing with her issues, too, and her faults and shortcomings. But I'd talk to her about it.

Wow! I really miscalculated! Met with my therapist yesterday. I told her that I was feeling better and my feelings for her are beginning to fade. She told me that she is uncomfortable with my feelings, that I crossed a line, and was making the therapy about her rather than about me. I asked her if she had seen transference in other clients - I guess I was hoping she would say yes and tell me it is not uncommon. Instead, she said that she was not going to answer that question. Her demeanor was totally changed from what I had seen the previous seven-plus years I had been seeing her. She was cold, clearly uncomfortable, and distant. She said she could no longer provide good therapy for me. She, in effect, fired me as a client. This was quite devastating. Every thing I have read, including material written by therapists, said that I should talk about my feelings, and that a good therapist will handle transference well and try to find out what is really behind it. Not this therapist. So I guess she is not a good therapist. I think what she has done is deplorable and unprofessional. She made me out to be the bad guy who victimized her. She emailed me some names of other therapists I could see. But I’m not going to get referrals elsewhere, since the first thing I will discuss with my new therapist is the bad ending with my previous therapist. I don’t want to talk about my experience with someone who is acquainted with my previous therapist. I am in shock.

Ugh, I'm so sorry that she ended up reacting that way. I don't feel like you crossed a line at all. This is about her, not about you--her inability to handle these sort of feelings from a client. I agree that you should find a new therapist on your own instead of using her referrals. Maybe try to find someone psychodynamic, as they're more trained in that. I suggest asking them early on how they handle client transference, too. And also that you'll want to talk about a past therapy experience--would they feel comfortable with that?


Again, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I hope you can find someone to work through this with.

This is not a well-trained therapist. They are supposed to listen to all of your feelings and never shame you for them. Your feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply ARE, and should be respected and validated....yes she was unprofessional; sadly, her ignorance will go on and damage other clients.

I'm so sorry this happened. It makes me so cross when I hear about therapists reacting this way, it's completely unprofessional and shows where she's lacking proper training. The feelings you described are so common! I'm glad you're aware that she is the one with the issue rather than your feelings as a lot of clients sadly aren't. As Lonesome said, she clearly can't separate your feelings from her reaction to your feelings so she thinks you're making it about her whereas she is the one making it about her. Therapy stirs up all kinds of feelings for clients about the therapist and a good therapist is trained and emotionally capable of sitting with whatever comes up without taking it personally. I'm glad you're going to see someone else and I agree with Lonesome about mentioning a bad therapy experience to any potential therapist to see how they react. I hope you find a good one next time.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I already have an appointment with a new therapist.

WOW, just WOW! That chick has HANG-UPS! I'm in shock, too. "Not a good therapist" is putting it mildly. She sounds like a seriously screwed-up woman.

I think it's essential to discuss the trauma you've been through with that b-itch with your new therapist. Never mind what the former weirdo thinks. Seriously, what a poor example of a therapist. She should not be in practice.

I am so, so sorry you've been betrayed like you have.

Something else comes to my mind. I've been married for over 30 years. Many years ago I worked with a woman who was lesbian and she and I fell in love. We never had a sexual relationship, but the love was there, just the same.

Over the 2 years I've been in therapy with my T I have had frequent romantic feelings about her. She's nurturing and sexy, in a wise and earthy way.

I recognize that there is some part of me that is attracted to women, maybe not even sexually, but on a profound emotional level. Or maybe it can be sexual. I'm not sure.

If you're comfortable with it, you might consider exploring your romantic and possibly sexual feelings with your new therapist.

You've also described me and the relationship with my t very accurately.

Thank you BethRags for your support and understanding. I meet with my new therapist this week.

I wrote an email to my former therapist, that I won’t copy in full here. In summary, I told her that she handled my transference badly, that she acted like I did something improper that victimized her, quoted other therapists from various websites who said that transference was normal and a bad reason to terminate therapy, and that terminating my therapy felt like I was punched in the gut by someone I trusted.

She responded as follows:
"I want to acknowledge your email, and note how sorry I am to hear your anger and frustration towards me. I made the very difficult decision to terminate our therapy relationship after engaging in weeks of personal reflection, seeking guidance from the American Psychological Association, and through multiple consultations with practicing clinical professionals. - I truly wish you all the best."

After I told her about my feelings, we had two more sessions, and terminated me at the last one. It was 3 weeks from the time I told her until the session in which she ended my therapy. Kind of an exaggeration to say "weeks of personal reflection." And I’m kinda stunned that she went to so much effort to deal with the feelings of little ol’ me!

So here is the end of my story about my former therapist:

I wrote an email to my former therapist, that I won’t copy in full here. In summary, I told her that she handled my transference badly, that she acted like I did something improper that victimized her, quoted other therapists from various websites who said that transference was normal and a bad reason to terminate therapy, and that terminating my therapy felt like I was punched in the gut by someone I trusted.

She responded as follows:
"I want to acknowledge your email, and note how sorry I am to hear your anger and frustration towards me. I made the very difficult decision to terminate our therapy relationship after engaging in weeks of personal reflection, seeking guidance from the American Psychological Association, and through multiple consultations with practicing clinical professionals. - I truly wish you all the best."

After I told her about my feelings, we had two more sessions, and terminated me at the last one. It was 3 weeks from the time I told her about my feelings to the session in which she ended my therapy. Kind of an exaggeration to say "weeks of personal reflection."

How's your new therapist? Much better, I hope.

JBear34 wrote:
“Wow! I really miscalculated! Met with my therapist yesterday. I told her that I was feeling better and my feelings for her are beginning to fade. She told me that she is uncomfortable with my feelings, that I crossed a line, and was making the therapy about her rather than about me. I asked her if she had seen transference in other clients - I guess I was hoping she would say yes and tell me it is not uncommon. Instead, she said that she was not going to answer that question. Her demeanor was totally changed from what I had seen the previous seven-plus years I had been seeing her. She was cold, clearly uncomfortable, and distant. She said she could no longer provide good therapy for me. She, in effect, fired me as a client. This was quite devastating. Every thing I have read, including material written by therapists, said that I should talk about my feelings, and that a good therapist will handle transference well and try to find out what is really behind it.”

“ She responded as follows:
‘I want to acknowledge your email, and note how sorry I am to hear your anger and frustration towards me. I made the very difficult decision to terminate our therapy relationship after engaging in weeks of personal reflection, seeking guidance from the American Psychological Association, and through multiple consultations with practicing clinical professionals. - I truly wish you all the best.’ "
——-
I’m sorry this happened to you. How devastating!

Don’t share this if you don’t feel comfortable-
Did I miss it or did she say *why* she terminated you?

At first she was ok with you sharing your caring feelings with her. Then she terminated you because she feels you’re making therapy all about her? Couldn’t most good therapists turn that back around and make it about the client?

Could it be that it’s nothing you’ve done wrong...no boundary you’ve broken..but it’s this therapist who developed positive or negative transference or countertransference about you...and *that’s* why she said she could no longer provide good therapy for you?

I can’t see where you’ve done anything wrong.

I don’t understand why some therapists do this?

If they are so badly trained that they can’t handle transference feelings then I don’t know if they should be practicing.

I think once you have these feelings you should find another therapist. I would think it would be hard to continue benefitting from therapy and the feelings would become confusing.

By the sound of it, you must be in psychoanalysis. When a client has feelings for a psychoanalyst, they usually refer that client to someone else. I think this is barbaric as the client is left completely abandoned and feels like he or she has done something wrong when this is not the case. Also, the pain is there and untaken care of. A transfer might happen with the next psychoanalyst, then what?
Maybe it might be wise to change the kind of therapist you are using. There are other therapists who use different kind of therapy and who welcome transference, as it is a golden opportunity for a deep healing. Psychodynamic does that but I am not sure if this is the right kind of therapy for you.
Do not despair, interview some therapists and make sure that you mention transference and how they deal with it.

I think you might be confused with a different mode of therapy Flower. In psychoanalytic/depth therapy, transference and feelings about the relationship are worked with. In fact, transference is a. key component in psychoanalysis.

I agree with you on this. I've been in psychodynamic/analytical therapy for the past 2 1/2 years. Started once a week the first year, twice a week second year and I'm up to three time as of september. I've developped a "crush" on T right from the start. As the therapy progressed, I've developped a deep growing fondness and attachement plus the sexual attraction that was already there. I've never hidden the fact that I've found them sexy. But as the feelings have deepened, Just this last session, I've talked about being worried that if I express everything I have in me towards them, it will scrare them away thus terminating the therapy. I told them I felt like my emotions are like an enraged dog on a leash. If I let go, I'll run to them and bite. They were exceedingly reassuring telling me that those emotions are and will be there regardless, whether I share them or not. (Some are pretty erotic for which I feel guilty because I'm 25 years married). I kept pressing on the fact that sharing these fantasies are the reason some therapist terminate a client. That I have grived too many people in my life (parents, son) that I dont want this to happen to me because I would feel heartbroken. I said I know they couldn't promise anything but, after these past 2 years, for the first time, I got reassurance from them telling me: "it's ok. I feel comfortable guiding you through this. It won't scare me if you bite". My therapist is the blankest slate a blank slate can be. Really distant. It took all this time for me to open up. Finally, I felt heard and respected. I think I have a golden T. I guess I'm sharing this because there are really wonderful and professional humans out there. I knew I had attachement issues from the get go. Transferenceis key in psychoanalytical therapy. This is exactly the kind of help I need.

Sorry about the long post. I guess I didnt really have advice to give. Just wanted to say good ppl are out there guys.

OP, please update us on the new therapist.