Sent my therapist nudes

I see my pdoc on tues so I’ll tell her everything (minus the inpatient sex) then if I can wait. I tried to go back to work tonight, but my mind is so crazy I could barely pull it off. I think I might need to take a leave of absence for the sake of my clients snd giving them adequate care. I hate to admit that but it’s the right thing to do.

Today I feel like I might be at the crashing part towards the end of mania—my mind is still racing and impulsive, but I’m also really suicidal and depressed and sleeping a ton with zero motivation. This is the worst part. I feel so humiliated about what happened with my therapist, both because I should’ve known better not to push him that far, and also because I’ve never been rejected and it feels like ****. I’m so confused and idk why I actually thought he’d go for the bj after all the things he’d told me, but I should have known he wouldn’t since he’s always said we won’t have sex. I’m worried he thought what he saw was ugly but at the same time I saw he was hard and he was like “I’m sure it would feel good.” I think I also kind of wanted to test if he’s really in the wrong or just me and I proved to myself it’s just me. I feel so hopeless and I just wanna die. He breaks boundaries every other time, and now that he held to them it hurts even though I guess this is what should’ve been happening all along. Idk if I make any sense at all, I feel like I’m going crazy.

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this is not okay. and its not your fault at all either. the blame lies on this therapist. and its not ok. its really not.

Hope you're doing OK Summer and that your pdoc tomorrow goes well.

It is not just you. He also made some ambiguous comments in the past (e.g. your chest is attractive, he feels desire for you?!), which seem to fuel into your fantasies, instead of setting a clear 'No' boundary. That is not how a safe, or ethical, person would behave let alone a 'therapist'.

I would change Ts.

Are you ok? Update?

Thanks for all the help and inquiries as to my well-being

I did a 3 week trauma program back in October and then transitioned to a regular php. After that I started seeing a new therapist alongside this therapist. About 2 months ago, I stopped seeing the therapist from this thread. I didn’t feel like I was clicking well with the new therapist, but I wanted to give him a real shot, so I stayed for another month before quitting. For the last month I’ve had no therapy, but I’m trying yet another new therapist on Monday. I’m trying to be hopeful but it’s very difficult to open up with someone new. I’m not sure I’ll NEVER go back to my old therapist, but I’m trying to at least give myself a chance to do something different and possibly more healthy.

I’ve had a lot of changes in these past months also: lost my job, got a new job, and had serious relationship problems with my husband. I’m feeling really depressed about losing my job and I miss it so much. Also the trauma program surfaced some traumas and I’m more emotional than ever. I wanna do trauma work but that seems difficult with a new therapist who I don’t trust.

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Thanks for the update--I've been wondering how you were doing. Wow, that's a lot of changes in a short amount of time! I'm sorry about your job, but glad you were able to find a new one. I'm also glad you've stepped away from the therapist in this thread--it took a lot of strength to do that. I hope the new therapist goes well today and that they will be someone you can grow to trust. Hugs if wanted.

Yeah exactly. That therapist sounds incredibly manipulative. God, and then I complain about my therapy experiences. When they were nowhere near this bad.

I've only read this closely now. The bolded triggers a big red warning of NO!

Do not EVER, EVER go back to this therapist.

I do not know which country you live in, but I suspect you have all grounds to legally sue him.

If you would like to hear more on how his behaviour was completely unethical and completely and totally unacceptable, I'm glad to try and elaborate a bit more.

You really need to get rid of all the guilt about it, and forgive yourself, NONE of it was your fault.

Im not saying I plan to go back, but telling myself it’s an option makes me more comfortable with going no contact right now. Idk if that makes sense. It’s kind of like how I made an appointment with another therapist while still seeing him at first. I knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to just cut him off and see a new one, there had to be some overlap until I gradually developed the strength to leave him.

I’ve now seen a new therapist 3x and honestly she seems really good. I miss my old therapist but I’m resisting the urge to contact him.

I’m always open to hearing more of your thoughts if you feel like sharing. I live in the US btw.

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