[Elysium]

I wanted to stop in and say Hi to everyone. I've been keeping a low profile for the last week and haven't been posting much, but I have been reading now and then. I've just felt I needed to take a breather....

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I feel so lost right now!!! My bills are piling up, I am having NO LUCK with finding a job...no one is hiring...no one wants me!! I feel like a loser...a failure. I don't know if I should file an ADA complaint against my last employer. I think I am losing my hearing from being given some antibiotics that I was allergic too and I don't know if I should file a complaint about that. I've never been this bad off financially, emotionally, or spiritually.

Sure, I'm coping okay, other than using food for comfort. At least I'm not self-harming, but the SI is coming back. I can't deal with SI right now!!!

I don't feel like I know who I am. I feel wretched inside...ugly!! Anything anyone says pisses me off. Compliments make me mad....complaints make me want to pull my hair out. I feel like I want to bawl my head off, but I can't get it out.

I don't know where I belong right now, or what I'm supposed to be doing. For so long I've had a path in front of me, but I feel like I'm lost in the woods and I'm really scared. I can't see where I'm going and there are dark shadows and strange noises coming from all directions.

Transitioning between T's right now.....just beginning to make good progress with new T and I like her a lot. But, I miss my family....they're all in California and I'm the only one in Oregon. I am missing everything!! I've got a baby niece that I've never even met or hugged, I haven't seen my brother in 10 years, all my cousins, who I've always been close to, are having children and everyone's getting together for holidays and everyone's lives are going on.....without me!!

I have talked with my higher powers, and asked for help, I have talked with my family members (the ones in Heaven) and asked for guidance....I don't know how to find my way back to my path and I'm terrified.

What do I do? The job market is a little better in California, my family is there, yet so are the stress and dysfunction. So do I pack up and move back to California and hope I can find another great T and leave this place I love for millions of people, smog, earthquakes, and dysfunctional family members; or do I stay in Oregon, where I love, lonely and dying inside with no job and no prospects of family or relationships.

And how do I know that anything will be better in California just because I get a job and am close to family? What if I do move closer to them and I still feel this horrific loneliness and separation from human kind. What if I get a great job and I still feel like a loser.

I am not looking for pity. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself (although I'm probably doing a great job of it). I am just trying to find out where the road went and how to get back to it.

I'm scared that I'm never going to find my way out. I'm scared that no one is really listening. Scared that my higher power doesn't care anymore and is blocking all my calls.

I feel like I'm drowning....and all I want is a breath of air...a breath of life...I'm scared that I've already used up all my rations and that all those that were out there listening to me have grown tired of me and are no longer listening.

I don't know what to do.......

[Naturefreak]

I feel the same way and have done most of what you have done.
And I like the NORMAL definition . I recently tried online dating with no luck
because most of the women were looking for someone NORMAL.

[idontknow13]

(((((Elysium))))))
I am sorry you are hurting, I am going through something similar, hope you feel better soon

[Elysium]

So....Ten minutes before I posted this thread, at about 2:50 am in the morning, I filled out three on-line applications for a few Nursing positions....in California.....close to my family.

This morning, at about 10:45, I received a phone call from their Human Resources Department asking when I would be in California for an interview....

Is this someone trying to tell me something? All around me doors have closed in my face and I have been searching for an open one and hoping/praying that one would open. And now, I have a lead on a job in California.

I want to go for it. I feel like this will be happening so quickly, without any real time to think and process, but maybe I need to just go where the wind blows me right now and follow the open doors. Maybe I need to trust and have faith that there is a plan, which I have been questioning for so long.

I just don't know. I'm scared to take that leap of faith.

Where do I go from here? I know it is ultimately my decision, but I would really love some words of wisdom at this point.

Thanks guys!!

[Miracle1986]

(((((Elysium)))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((( Elysium ))))))))))))))))))))

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

Where do I go from here? I know it is ultimately my decision, but I would really love some words of wisdom at this point.

I don't know from wisdom. I hope a few words of foolishness will do.

Sometimes when I don't know what's the right thing to do I relax, kick back, and watch to see what I do do. I've been doing that for years. The results have often looked paradoxical as heck but I've never once failed to survive.



--------------------
YMMV

[(JD)]

((((Elysium))) You have so much on your plate right now!

Regarding the job interview, is there some way to do that via computer with a camera? If not, can you stay with family etc, rather than move out there and be "stuck" there without money or a job? Try not to make any huge decisions during this time... except in securing a job. Can you take a smaller job for the time being, to help with bill paying. Have you called your creditors to tell them what you are trying to do, and maybe ask for extensions or other assistance? (I know even the power companies are willing to "average out" your billing over a year, that might help?)

Don't fret the small stuff right now, but do communicate with everyone.

The Self Harm is an old habit and those tend to raise their wild heads when stressed. Stay strong, you are. You won't need to fall back to that, I think, because you aren't at fault now, it's the way things are in the world. No need to punish yourself. You don't truly need to escape that way either, but have better methods (such as meditation?) to calm and find a center from which you can work for your own betterment.

Make a list, or do whatever has worked for you in the past to regain control of your life. Prioritize items. (I think a list is great because it always shows that while there may be a zillion things on the list, not all of them need attention right now.)

Keep looking for a job locally.... did you do that online too? Or some place a bit closer to the area you enjoy. You can get through this, though times are tough. Keep us posted here how you are doing. (I've always said it's not what you go through, but how you go through it.)

[Malady156]

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

I am not looking for pity. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself (although I'm probably doing a great job of it). I am just trying to find out where the road went and how to get back to it.

I feel like I'm drowning....and all I want is a breath of air...a breath of life...I'm scared that I've already used up all my rations and that all those that were out there listening to me have grown tired of me and are no longer listening.

I don't know what to do.......

First order of business: whatever voices / sources / messages in your life cause you to make the comments highlighted in bold above? GET RID OF THEM. They happen to be absolutely toxic and doing you NO good WHATSOEVER ... WHO bes this looming monster what dares hold your feet to the fire rather than embrace you in your pain, agony and plight and give you the reassurance and empowerment you seek and so desperately need? JETTISON them -- whether man or theory or god, you DON'T NEED THEM and all the more reason to jettison them NOW if they presume to tell you what bes "best" for you.

More than any single circumstance (which as you know, circumstances come and go) in your post here, Moriah (Malady) sees reflected that you live in a world where reality has been poisoned at the core with this garbage -- toxic shaming out of your real feelings by labeling them something deemed "anathema" (in this case "pity" and "feeling sorry for").
SCREW those rat bastards that introduced this FILTH into the world pretending it bes any good for any of us!! FACT: if you bes in suffering then any loving heart WOULD pity you -- not in the looking-down sense of "pathetic" but in the sense of tender compassion toward you and yearning to lift you out of that pit -- and FACT: if none can be found who will bestow this on you then nature, which abhors a vaccuum, makes up for the lack by causing you to have these feelings toward yourself, as a reflection of the divine heart toward you, SO THERE!! don't LISTEN to filthy toxic garbage (especially from religions) that try to tell you otherwise!!!

AND do NOT listen or take to heart anyone who makes you feel you live in a world where love "rations" itself out and you can exhaust it and you must dance about mincing and tiptoeing and censoring yourself to ensure that does not happen. SCREW THAT POISON!!! Get RID of it!!! You get rid of these lying filthword things out of your mind and you start believing in REAL Love which has NO limit, NO boundaries, NO "rations" and does not wait with folded arms and tapping foot impatiently for you to "buck up and suck it up". MORE LIES!!!

Precious friend, cut these poisons like cancers out of your life and GUARANTEED it may not immediately solve ALL your problems and dilemmas BUT it will put you in a position where YOU can, because you will see all things so much more clearly when you look at them through the eyes of asserting your right to BE, to FEEL, to be YOURSELF, and to need LOVE and to NOT settle for anything less.

Hoping you receive this in the spirit in which it bes meant ... for your empowerment and FREEDOM.

[phoenix7]

I hope things have improved for you - how are you doing now?