[sunflower227]

My topic/question is about what happens when child sexual abuse meets spirituality.

I was brought up in a Christian home and grew up going to church each week. As I reached the teen years, I became more aware of how mean other teenagers can be - even in a church family - and I was often grounded by my parents for each week that I refused to attend. (Note: By "church family" I mean friends from church who you see on a regular basis and they love and treat each other well, like family should.)

Well, since my teen years, I've struggled with isolation, anxiety, and maintaining friendships and have tried countless times to face it by finding a consistent church family the way my parents have. I don't do well with going out and making friends on my own because I rarely am out and about, so I like the idea of making some place that is known to be safe as my comfort zone. A place where people from all walks of life are welcomed and where I don't have to be friendly if I don't feel friendly or I can talk to everyone if I want to and maybe someone will actually really care about me on a regular basis other than my immediate family. The trouble is that I always run into some personal conflict. I'll either only visit once and let my anxieties get the best of me, or I go for some weeks and the minute I feel like I've been exposed too much, I flee with hardly a trace behind me.

I used to think that the way my parents raised me was my main reason for having such difficulty in committing to a church and going every Sunday and maybe even in maintaining friendships. But something tells me that there is much more to it which causes my anxiety from my exposure. I am not certain, but I feel as though some of my issues with remembering to keep my faith because it is good and wanting to put all my trust in God to take the weight from my burdens stems from things the abuser may have said to me.

I was so young when it happened but have strong belief in my intuition. The only thing I keep thinking is that he used my family's spirituality mixed into his threats to me to keep me quiet. But I'm tired of feeling such anxieties. I'm tired of being afraid of showing myself to other people. I am not what the abuser did to me because he wasn't the one who created me, he was the one who hurt me. God created me through my parents, not through my abuser. I want to reclaim my spirituality again, but I want to do it in a way that will last and that I won't be fearful of keeping for myself ever again.

How do you break free from those kinds of ties?

I don't want people praying over me out loud to themselves, it scares me and makes me feel even more exposed and humiliated. I don't want people taking pictures of me during the sermon to use for church advertising, that's just nerve wracking for anyone. I just want to break free from it so that I can go sit in a pew, listen to the message, cry if I feel like crying and stay put rather than taking flight, and maybe even let myself make some real live friends along the way.

[Hunny]

Sunflower,

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense. Doing what is 'best' for you is important and essential.

I'm not really gifted in saying what should or shouldn't be as far as a person's spiritual walk goes in terms of going to a spiritual meeting (church) because I feel like I am in the middle of figuring it out too.

I am doing a mix of things right now, including listening to some pretty genuine speakers on-line. I went to a retreat in the fall with a community of believers and that met me at my point of need. I'm attending about 4 different congregations or not but it keeps me on the periphery of things.

Are you getting some help with the abuse issues you experienced, the bullying, the abuse and even your parent's punishment around choice?

Here is hoping you find some relief and are able to find some genuine friendships and a safe place as well.

[(JD)]

I think you might be on to something there ... in thinking some issues are prior to your not wanting to go to church. I'm sorry that your parent's grounding didn't work for you, as I would have hoped you would have made those friendships you so need(ed.)

As for being bothered by church cameras, that's easier than you think (or should be) talk to the director over the filming and they can tell you where you can sit where you won't be in the pictures (or can be careful to not take shots of you, if they know where you are.)

I've just ordered a book I'm eager to read about spiritual abuse.

[sunflower227]

Thank you Hunny and JD.

JD: What book are you talking about?

I just want to clarify something...

The problem is that things the abuser said to me made me feel like I wanted no part in going to church because he used my beliefs as a way to cover up his wrongdoings. I'm hesitant to give more details, but can safely say that it was outside of parents, peers, and the church.

I believe in God because I feel that praying was what allowed me to ultimately survive. But since then I have had such trouble taking any stories from the written word or things people say regarding God as something pure, true, or helpful. Instead it makes me feel foolish, fearful, out of control, like I've missed something, kind of disgusted, and then simply helpless.

Through my years of therapy, I've learned all about the effects of trauma. I know how trauma works. I know logically that those opposing feelings are not from the teachings and support given from genuine people who want the best for you. But I also know that those opposing feelings can be felt when I am reminded of the person who made me feel them. I know it's a trigger for me because he was supposed to be someone who my parents trusted so I trusted him. But he wasn't. He fooled us all. Then he used my own beliefs against me.

I hate to say this because I know it's not logical, but sometimes I feel as if I am being foolish to even pray because it's what the abuser did. I don't want any ties to him. I don't ever want to use something like my spirituality as an excuse for any mistakes or wrongdoings I make in life. But I also don't want to lose that part of me that felt comfort in talking to God on my own terms.

So I guess I just don't know where to start. I am afraid to seek comfort through a church because I've tried so many times and it is hard to confide in anyone without that fear of being taken advantage of.

Any advice, suggestions, or insight is well appreciated.

sunflower227, talk to God in your own terms about what your abuser told you. Ask for wisdom to find a way to unloose the control the abuser has over you.

Feel the strength of the Lord.

[anderson]

((((Sunflower))))
We had the same problem for a very long time. It was not until my grandmother told us this story. That we finely learned to seperate the two.

One day fawn was walking up the great mountain to spend time with the father of all. On this day there was a big monster that would not let her walk past him. The monster did not want her to go to the top of the mountain. He did every thing he could think of to make her turn around and go back to the bottom of the mountain. The fawn just stood there waiting for the monster to be quait so that she could speak. The monster finely sat down and looked into the fawns eyes. he asked "Whu are you not afriad of me?"
The fawn looked at the monster and said " I have the Father within me, even if I do not go up the mountian today. I know his love."
With the power of love in the fawns eyes and her gentle streagth The monster moved to the side to allow her to pass.
Because the fawn felt the fathers love no matter where she was at she had the courage to show his love to those around her as they tried to keep her away from him.
Many will do thing that will put up walls but we need to remember that spirit is every where. And those that stand in the way are only standing for themselvs not for the Father.
It took us time but we did learn that father loves us even if his words were twisted for someones self gain. We hope that the time comes that you are able to seperate the two events.