Searching for My "Higher Power"

Searching for my Higher Power...

Sitting in my rocking chair, sad thoughts crowd my mind.
Time passing so fast, a whisper on the wind...
I feel the breeze flow across my furrowed brow.
Memories of people, places, events...all gone now.

Where did they go? Where oh where, d**mit, am I?
What made them go, I'm so lost--dear "lord", why?
Dreams of peace and happiness, they never came true,
So much pain, sorrow, pity...oceans of blue!

A gentle hand extends, holding hope and concern.
"What do you want, what things have you learned?
Take care, be kind to yourself", the message it sends.
"Don't you think it's time, to make those amends?"

But I'm afraid, I'm afraid, if I "let go" to my "god".
There won't be a net to catch me if, heaven forbid, I should fall.
"Take my hand" the voice says, "I'll hold you aloft,
I vow to protect you, not to let you fall, no, not at all."

But why should I believe you, after all of my pain?
Where were you when I stumbled, fell, and made futile efforts to regain,
All the hopes I had when my life was still new.
Do you really think that I could now depend on you?

"I've been here all the time, watching you try.
But you never, not once, asked me to help, asked me why,
All the choices you made caused you sorrow and pain,
I would have helped you, and held you and carried you high."

"Soaring into glory, giving you peace and strength,
It's not too late, dear, to awaken and repent,
For you see, I am ready, to help you along,
My knowledge can be your knowledge, you CAN finally be strong."

Oh, my "lord", grant me serenity, to really understand,
I shed tears for your help, so, please take my hand.
Walk with me here, walk with me now,
Show me your will, please show me how.

Take away the shadows, the pain and the fear,
Show me how to learn to love and hold dear,
All the persons I have pushed away from my life.
Take me into your arms, take away all this strife.

I will listen to you, now, I will open my heart,
Hear my prayers, I beg you for this, a new start.
Teach me caring and patience and that it's now my turn.
Dear "lord", I do love you, and am now willing to learn.

(written in 1995 when I was first in Alcoholics Anonymous, and also was diagnosed with having bipolar disorder)

(((((( dancing )))) thank you for posting this beautiful poem. Healing sure is one interesting path, isnt it. huge blessings for you

I love how you use poetry to express such complex concepts & feelings. I know with my depression and going through counseling. I found I had to redefine my relationship with not only myself & my family, but with my faith. I am in this process now. I am adjusting my work schedule to make sure I get to a spiritual study group that I really enjoy and feel comfortable asking for prayer for myself.

I admire your strength in participating in AA, I tried Overeater Anonymous for 4 months, but as I had not defined myself, or my relationship with God & my family, I decided to leave at least temporarily, as I felt held back from discovering the very basics of myself. I think I am about ready to go back. I had a great sponsor and group that I was working with.

I hope that your growth in health is going well.

Very inspiring! I don't remember seeing that in AA...thanks for sharing!!!!! Sometimes we fall down...but then we get up and travel on....there is always hope

Thank you all for your kind words. This poem means a whole lot to me as it was an "awakening" so to speak, of so-called unseen powers that i had refused to accept or even consider, until i had become so lost i really had no choice, it was either "reach out" from the pain within or an alternative which i thankfully don't consider anymore.

It truly is a "leap of faith" to "let go and let 'God' " as they say in AA. But at the times when i actually do it, i find that there is a release of my holding on to the pain and i'm granted a sense of peace that i treasure, and i'm so very grateful for.

Sadly, i haven't figured out how to get it to last...it's a work in progress, this thing called life, and having faith. There are so many things that get in the way (mostly myself). I turn to this poem sometimes to remind me there is a realm i may not understand, but i firmly believe now it is there. We just have to ask.

armatthaei, i wish you well on your own journey.

"...i once was lost, but now am found,
was blind, but now i see"--from the song Amazing Grace

(and the part about "...that saved a wretch like me" really gives me hope)

http://littleurl.info/obo

That was beautiful. How ironic that I read the poem after reading the book "The Blessings of Brokenness" by Charles Stanley. Thanks for the poem.

There are few truer words than these...
I am deeply touched by your poem. So many of us can relate. We are very much a work in progress. Each day we have to allow ourselves to ask for the help only He can give. When people ask me how I can believe, I simply state that He has shown himself to me, all I had to do was ask. There is a power there that is so inconceivably huge and after what so many of us have lived through, it's hard to put our trust in anything, anyone, let alone someone/something that isn't tangible.
Just an absolutely amazing poem. Thank you ever so much for sharing and touching my life. Of all days, I needed it today.
~X

i am so deeply moved that my simple poem of despair and faith ironically found because of the suffering has touched all of you. i came here tonight to read it again, to regain a sense of continuing on with my journey to finding salvation and hope and healing.

hugs46, i found a place that had an excerpt from the wonderful book you mentioned (have to scroll way down the page to get to the actual text), hope they will let this stay posted here...

http://www.amazon.com/Blessings-Brok...der_0310200261

i seem to glimpse a pattern between life's sufferings and turning to him in our "brokenness" so he can reveal to us an understanding of his purpose for us, why we are going through this suffering and what he wants us to learn.

only glimpses, but i feel that maybe this is the way of things and that healing IS possible, no matter how great the suffering. and the wonderful thing is, when i wrote that poem and felt all those things, i lost my sense of deep bitterness and hate for anything spiritual, and i haven't felt it since. yes, there is still anger and frustration at the so-called injustices of life, but i don't hate "god" anymore. i try to just turn all those emotions over to him now.

ohhh so many thoughts! i have such a long way to go. but somehow "something" is holding my hand tonight. i wish for all of us peace of spirit and understanding of his wisdom and healing from our sufferings.