I can't forgive

I survived abuse of every kind during childhood and young adulthood. We are taught we must forgive to be forgiven, but
I can't forgive my mother, who was mentally ill and basically untreated. Mother passed away and dad committed suicide. I suffer major depression and PTSD, am much better today than before (near death). I can't forgive my mother. I want to find a way, any advice I will be grateful.

Forgiveness can be a very difficult thing to reconcile in one's mind. I have found with myself, I've learned to forgive more easily as I've grown older and become more familiar with what God wants me to do and what my head is saying that is different from God.

I was abused by my ex husband, verbally, physically and emotionally. I have forgiven him. It took me a few years after our divorce to come to forgiveness but I can say that when I did, it was like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Carrying around hate and always feeling like the victim was pushing me under in such a way that I didn't even realize it until someone pointed it out to me.

I came to realize that even though I may have been a victim of his abuse, I didn't have to live my life as a victim anymore. I chose to take what happened to me and find the positive that could come out of it. And there was a lot of positive things that I found. I realized that I was a caring, loving person and would do just about anything to help another. I learned that I was indeed a strong person and not the piece of crap that the ex wanted me to believe I was. I learned how alcoholism touches and destroys so many people. I learned why they do some of the things they do and how one can not fall victim to it, or if they do, what they can do to help themselves. I learned that even though he had this horrible disease, he still made the choice every single day to drink and behave horribly. I learned I could now make my own choices not to be treated like he treated me and to take care of myself instead of ignoring my needs. The list can go on and on so I won't bore you with any more that I learned...lol.

Of course, when we go through those abusive times, we cannot possibly see (especially if a child) that there can be good things from hurtful difficult things. We can learn to use those lessons to propel ourselves into a positive place in life. While we don't forget what was done to us, if we strive to understand as much as we can about the situation, we can eventually come to a place of forgiveness.

If you believe in God, ask him for help in finding forgiveness. Listen for his answers, allow yourself to be led in the direction of forgiveness. It may not happen overnight or even in the next year or ten, but if you are willing to work towards that time when you can forgive, it will come to you and you will feel so much better, this I can promise you!

Wishing you well!

Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself. What really do you wish to accomplish? A warm & fuzzy feeling inside about your mother? That may never come. And to be forgiven yourself, you're certainly not required to fabricate some feeling that isn't reality.

In fact, by wishing that you could forgive her, you have. If she were still here and you could talk to her, you'd tell her so. But the warm & fuzzies may never happen.

Even if you still have scars. Bearing scars - and even memory, has nothing to do with forgiveness.

to need to forgive admits that one condemns. this is what must stop. we have to let go of the hardness in our own hearts, to become soft hearted.

here is a link to a site that might help you to see what i'm trying to say~
C PTSD - A Way Out | A place to check in daily

i hope it helps you as these teachings have helped me~
best wishes~
Gus

Go with your feelings you currently have. You are doing change, and that is good. Do not feel guilty about how you are feeling. Just concentrate on your on going healing!

Dear love,
Why carry the hate evem after shes gone? You know she was unfit too, im sure whatever she did was never deliberate but her own disease forcing her. You my be on your own now but you're free from the abuse and the pain, the cracks may still be there but you need to free yourself from feeling like a victim as well.
Forgive her, it might not erase the past amd you might not develop love towards her, but as a symbol of respect to your birth giver - forgive her.
Im sure many pastors can provide counseling and make ur heart stronger.
God bless you, may life be fair to you from now onwards.

I feel like the idea of forgiveness is so often misconstrued.
First: there is this expectation that if you are a decent person you must forgive anyone the wrongs they have done.

This is pretty ludicrous if one holds that to "forgive" someone is to absolve them of all responsibility for their actions or if one feels that to forgive a person is essentially saying "you have done wrong, but IT IS OK".

I had a very difficult struggle with the concept of forgiveness for a long time. I have been abused, neglected, treated like less than human. How could I just ignore all that?

I actually came to view forgiveness in a different light (and it works for me _not_ for everyone). When I forgive someone, now I am saying "I am sorry that you have these weaknesses but I don't want to let YOUR screw ups ruin my life"

For me, in this way, I am not letting the other person "off the hook". I'm giving myself a chance to dictate my present and future

I forgive a person, because they are human and weak. No one should have such power over me that they are a continual focus of anger, hurt, regret sadness. It taints my whole being.

I can forgive the person, as well, without forgiving their actions.

But this forgiveness stuff- it's pretty heavy. To work out a personal philosophy where you can have peace from despising another person and still feel that you are not being a doormat is very difficult.

I would encourage you, OP, to think more about forgiveness and what it means precisely to you. If you can find that (if you haven't already, I am certainly making some assumptions) it may be easier to understand and process feelings about your parents.

Again, this is heavy stuff for each of us to figure out. It may take a long time. But that's ok.
-Josie

It is very, very hard to forgive, but it is the only way you will heal. Holding grudges hold you captive, not them...they go on with their lives. I've not saying it's easy and everyone must do it in their own time, but is something one must continue to strive for.

There is a good, short book I'd recommend, The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield. The book has lots of quotes and sayings in it and provides meditations to help with forgiveness. You will not be able to forgive right away; we must all move at our own pace, but maybe this resource can help.

too SHy,

Forgiveness…

…has nothing to do with anyone but yourself. It has to do with what's in your own heart and mind. Forgiveness has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself. It has nothing to do with the wrongs someone did to you or the pain they inflicted on you. It doesn't.

It has to do with whether or not you choose to let them continue to do you wrong or inflict pain long after the actual events took place. It's a choice you have.

Your mother abused you when you were a child. Even though she passed away, are you still going to let her abuse you? Your mother no longer cares whether or not you're happy. Even when your mother was alive, the fact that you couldn't forgive her didn't make any difference to her. It didn't hurt her or make her feel bad or abused. The only person feeling that way was yourself! The only person that was being hurt by re-living your childhood abuse was YOU!

Forgiveness has to do with letting go of the things that continue to hurt you and cause you pain, things from the past that no longer matter. Does it really matter that your mother abused you? Is there anything you can do to change the fact that you were abused? Can holding your pain inside you do anything but cause you more pain, confusion, anger and resentment? Sure, it was your mothers fault that you were abused. OK. There it is then. She abused you and made you feel terrible. But, the only way she can continue to do that is if you let your negative thoughts and feelings towards your mother rule your life. Your mother isn't feeling your anger or hurt. It makes no difference to her… So, why keep it up? It only makes YOU feel miserable. Is that what you want? I think not.

Your mother was a human being. Nothing more. She made mistakes. She may have done some terrible, terrible things to you. Chances are she was abused as a child herself. Even if she wasn't, first and foremost, she's was simply a fallible human being. Let your hurt and anger go. It matters to no one but you. You are hurting yourself for no reason other than by your inability to perceive reality as it actually is instead of how you THINK it is or want it to be.

To let go of the things that no longer matter is to forgive. What your mother did no longer matters. It can no longer hurt you. You've taken back you own personal power and have chosen to see your mother as she actually is. She was just a human being. Sometimes human beings make terrible choices and do hurtful things. She'll always be your mom and in spite of the fact that she abused you, I'm sure she love you and you loved her. You may love her, but you don't have to like her to let go of the things that she did.

too SHY, what I just described to you was what I went through with my father. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to me in the extreme. But, he no longer has any power over me. When he died a few years ago, we were good friends. But he knew that he was not my "Dad" then, now or ever because he forfeited that privilege when he abused me. We remained friends until his death. We even had some good times together...once I learned to forgive by letting go of my useless and counter-productive pain and anger.

You see, I didn't "forgive" my father. I simply made peace with how I felt about him and what he did to me. I learned to see him not as my father but as just another fellow human being… one that had his own issues and problems.

I wish you clarity and understanding on your path to self-discovery.

Dan

WOW, Thank you, my friends, for the kindest and most GENEROUS of replies. I am going to print this out and look at it everyday. I now realize what may be the root of many of my troubles. All of this has been eating away at me and I became very ill to the point of near-death. I am sure some of it is genetic, but I now have a new perspective. I'm going to get to work on it now, you are definitely right-on to something.THANKS

Boy, so sorry to hear!! Man that's a tough one, I don't know if I could forgive in that situation as well! The only thing I can think of that helps me, is prayer! Hope that helps a bit and that's awesome you are trying to forgive her!!

Forgiveness isn't necessary to heal.

Some things are simply unforgivable!

However, I did have to come to a point of acceptance so I could progress.

To me that means acknowledging what happened, working on fixing what I can and learning to be patient, gentle & kind with myself for the things that I cannot.

It's not a perfect resolution, but I no longer feel a lot of the guilt and shame associated with being unable to bring myself to forgive my abusers for all the evil @#$%! they did to me.

You speak with the insight and empathy of someone who has already forgiven or at least began the process of forgiving. What does "forgiving" your Mom look like to you? How would you know you have forgiven her?

We all have had to face needing to forgive when we really didn't think we could!

One thing I recall that impressed me: "You're holding a grudge against someone who is dead, how stupid is that???"

I personally think that a person finds it hard to or "impossible" to forgive because maybe it's like IF you were to forgive then everything bad they did (to you) would be forgotten or something like that, not given the weight it needs because of how their actions or words impacted 'you' so negatively.

It helps, I think, to find someone like a really caring psychologist to listen and validate how evil or horrible a person has been to you, or how their actions have impacted you negatively. This can then allow you to let go of those harmful emotions and visual memories. Your bad memories are doing nothing TO them, remember.

Knowing you aren't forgiving them for THEM but because YOU DESERVE to let it go, you are the one who is better than them/him/her and you decide that their actions etc won't control how you feel any more, well, that's the power you give yourself that lets you forgive--and heal.

Hi:

I, too, was abused and it took me a long time to forgive. What really finally helped me was when I read that when you forgive someone, you are not saying that what they did was in any way okay. It was not! What you are doing is "letting go" and when you let go, you let go of the pain.

A great book I read that helped was "Forgive For Good". But there are a lot of good books out there.

Also, it is a process. And you do it for YOU so that you can be finally free of this person's hold on your emotions.

JMHO
steelie

Well, now you've gone and brought me to tears. Such an outpouring of Wisdom. Thank you so much.

Dany B. Thank u ever so much.

For me it has to do with my definition or understanding of what "forgiveness" means (to me). I'd look it up in a dictionary and thesarus and then decide exactly how to do it or make it real for me.
Just for my own education, I went to an online dictionary and found this:
verb: forgive
1. stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

jim: Right now, I can stop feeling angry but it comes right back when triggered by memories or events. I can put on a forgiveness ACT but the feelings are still there until vented or they somehow stop hurting so much.

synonyms:
make allowances for,

jim: I can do that one if I consider the rotten way my parents were raised by their equally damaged parents. Making allowances may help me empathize with my abusers but it still does NOT reduce or eliminate the pain and anger they caused me.

synonyms:
feel no resentment toward, feel no malice toward, harbor no grudge against, bury the hatchet with, let bygones be bygones;

jim: That won’t happen until after they take responsibility for their mistakes and APOLOGIZE. I don't know how to "forgive" someone who is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and show some remorse AND offer specific apologies for each offense. Just saying "I'm sorry." is no apology, IMO.
I think most people, who claim that they have forgiven, have just stopped thinking about it (DENIAL) and have shoved the feelings down and out of sight so they no longer feel the pain so much. They'd rather be on good terms with the abuser than demand the justice that they, the victim, deserve. If someone is comfortable with this PHONY forgiveness, so be it! I wouldn't be, now that I know how and why I was abused by my parents but I also don't feel as angry and hurt now that I've done a lot of VENTING work to heal my damaged insides.

There may come a time when I will totally forgive my parents (stop feeling angry) when there is no longer any pain or triggered feelings about them. I'd like that! I'd like to feel towards my parents like I did in the first 3 years of my life when I loved them TOTALLY - before they killed the love that I had for them.

I'm glad you've revived this thread; definitely something I needed to see.

I'm wondering how is this considered forgiveness if it is an act? Or I'm not understanding what you're saying...?..

Great points here. This was already addressed earlier in the thread but what you're saying is true.

The last part of your post made me think of all that brought me to read this. I keep thinking about how that pain may never go away...

Since it's revived...

I haven't met a single person that didn't have issues with the idea and function of "forgiveness" at some point in their life.

For me--and I'm comfortable expressing this since you did ask in the Spirituality forum--it's about God.

God forgave me. Who do I THINK I AM by not forgiving another who harmed me? Am I better or stronger than God?

The way I believe is that vengeance is God's, not mine. He forgave me everything...I'll forgive knowing that God "has my back" and that HE WILL avenge if it is required. (Good thing I'm not God...there would be <poof!> piles of ashes all over the place if I were!)

But I also learned (and have to remind myself at times, yes) that it only hurts ME if I don't forgive. If I forgive, then I can begin to forget because God knows... if I hold the grudges then it eats away at me and makes me sick... it does NOTHING to the other who harmed!!! Nothing I say! They are too callous and unfeeling to realize nor do they care, right? So the last thing I want to do is let them harm me more by holding a grudge against him/her/them! Besides, God can do a whole lot better job than I can when it comes to revenge I'll leave it to Him.

Your childhood must have been very traumatic. Healing can sometimes take a very long time. (A cut heals quicker than a broken bone). Do all you can every day toward your own healing and well being.

Forgiveness may not come as soon as we think it should. It is part of the healing process.

[quote=floating.feather;3947290]
Thanks for your interest in my posts.
I should have wrote: I can put on a forgiveness ACT to impress or convince others that I am "over it" now, but the feelings are still there until vented or they somehow stop hurting so much.
Over the years, much of my pain has finally gone away .