Healing the Inner Parent~

i have long been aware of the needs of the "Inner Child" for re-parenting, but those needs seem to cling on long past time...

then the other day i had a brief flash of the 'Inner Parent', still saying those things. This Must Stop~! i believe that we must also 'heal' , or change our memories and reactions to those voices and actions of the inner parent before we can be truly free of our early traumas.

what do you think ?

I agree in that we cling to the emotional reactions we had to those memories. We keep bringing ourselves back to any of those bad feelings and changing how we react and feel about those memories will help heal the rest of our being.

Yes!!!! I agree!

I've been told that I need to re-parent my inner child because the inner child is damaged. Then, after a lot of introspection, I realized that my parents were children and that my damaged inner child was actually an adult and didn't know how to be a child. Several T's wanted me to buy crayons and draw like a child but I did not find that to be fun or helpful at all. I was also told that I had to re-parent myself but, frankly, I had no idea how to do that since I did not have good parental role models. Eventually, I became very frustrated and changed therapists. My conclusion was that I was not able to re-parent myself because I had grown up to be like my parents in many ways. All I did was yell at myself or criticize myself but it did not fix me, rather, it just made me more depressed. I think that the diagnosis of damaged inner child and damaged inner parent (superego) is relevant. However, from my experience, it did not lead to healing.

I was recently reading a self-help book that recommended that I forget everything (everything!) I had learned in my youth and start over. I had doubts that it was possible to forget everything and then re-learn everything - especially with myself as teacher.

The problem with these therapies is that they are too vague. The patient is told to re-parent themselves but how exactly do you do that? You have to know things about life to do it and if you don't know those things then how can you teach them to yourself? It's a quandary.

Sometimes it does help to see our memories in a different light now that we are adults and no longer children. However, I find it very difficult to change involuntary reactions that are based on old traumas. When I try to put a leash on my involuntary reactions, I end up frozen and unable to say or do anything because all my energy is used to hold back my involuntary reaction. I lose spontaneity. In short, it didn't work. And, I ended up making a bad impression even though I was trying to make a good one by being conscious of my inner feelings that drive my involuntary reactions. TBH, maybe it works for some people. For me, it did not.

When I was very down one time, I found that I was somehow able to go back to the frightened hurt child that I once was. To reconnect with this. To provide the comfort and hope that I needed at that awful time. I don't know if it is possible to make this happen, or if you just have to be aware and open to the possibility as it arises.

Excellent topic Gus - thanks!

Unguy - thanks for your input as this has been a dilemma for me also. Knowing something is a issue is one thing but knowing how to work on it is another matter.

Here are a few thoughts. One is that I cannot 'think' my way into better feelings or behavior - I have to 'act' like the person I want to be and the feelings I hope to have will eventually follow. In order to do this, though, I have stay aware so that I catch myself in those thoughts or behaviors first in order to change them.

I need some sore of spiritual principles to help me in this. I don't think it really matters what ideas I subscribe to so long as I have something ''bigger" than me to use as a guide.

I can't do this alone. I need others who are on the same path to serve as role models and support me and love me when I am falling short of where I want to be.

Lastly, it is a journey and I won't ever get it perfectly and today that is OK.

Sadly, I am not a spiritual person. I have tried different religions with no success. No luck with support groups either - they don't get me. Pretending "as if" didn't work either. I have been despondent for a long time.

Still, it's nice to know the method does work for some. I must be an extreme case.

i am thinking about the inner parent also. I'm learning Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Feeling Good a book by Dr. David Burns is helping me to do self help.
He explains that feelings follow thinking.
I can see when I feel depressed over something then check my thinking,I can see where the distortion is.
I think the parent part is where we think a more rational thought and keep the child from being depressed , overwhelmed. etc.
I am trying this on easier things like why am I depressed at Christmas?
The book "Feeling Good" was written about 30 years ago and has lots of examples and is written so it can be understood.
I'm challenge those automatic negative thoughts and feeling better!!

There are so many forms that one can approach healing and wholeness.
Continued health to everyone in their journeys.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy left me more depressed than when I began it. There were so many thoughts to change and I was constantly challenging them and burnt out. I could not take all the self criticism. (My parents were very critical so the therapy similar to my childhood experience except that they were molding me to be a caretaker.) After 3 years of CBT, I had made no progress at all. Nothing in my life had improved. Trying to be a logical thinker did not result in an improved, more successful me. Basically, I was burying my feelings and personality which resulted in resentment and anger. The constant challenging of thoughts was just reinforcement that I was not good enough.

Pretending "as if" I was a happy, well adjusted person was another waste of time. Basically, I was hiding my true self from others and pretending to be someone else. Lying is not the way to create close, trusting relationships. It took a lot of energy to pretend to be what I was not. The relationships were not fulfilling because they were based on repressing my true self which never went away. I did not become happier. The friendships were shallow and dysfunctional and did not last. I was not able to put on a happy face 24/7.

I am not so sure it's a good idea to divide a person into an inner child, inner parent and the like. I think it's better to see someone as a complex unit of their past and present experiences. Someone like me, who reacts like a Neanderthal with instinct and not much thought, does not do well with therapies that are thought based. My childhood lacked socialization and my instructors were anti-social in their teachings. However, socially they were successful people on many levels even though they were very self-centered and bossy. Even though I learned their teachings, I was never successful socially. I don't have the looks that people want to be around. I don't have a sense of fun because I never learned it growing up with parents who did not play with or read to me, and who did not buy toys or let me have playmates.

The language of my inner parent is one of neglect and deprivation. I don't know how to react to people in social situations or what to say. Frankly, it doesn't really matter because no one wants to be around me anyway and because deep down I really don't enjoy the company of others. It's so much work that I am tired for days afterward. Even when successful, I find no joy in it - just exhaustion and depression. All this talk of an "inner parent" only raises the problem of my damaged "inner child." However, like I said earlier, I think it's best to be treated as a whole person rather than dividing the mind up into separate personalities of parent and child.

I certainly wouldn't put any more "shoulds" on anybody.
Everyone has a personal story and are doing the best they can.

Psych central has been a place where I feel less lonely and I feel I'm among friends. (even though I have not posted and have just been tuning in.)

You express yourself very well.

Hi unguy,

It's a shame that you didn't get on with your instructors. Feeling supported on a personal level is absolutely central to the success of any therapy, indeed, in my opinion, is of more importance than any other factor. It seems that you have been unable to raise this issue with them. The last thing you need when you are down is to be made to feel a failure by your 'successful' therapists, and they should be made aware of this and modify their behaviour towards you accordingly.

I assume from your post that you no longer attend therapy. Have you had thoughts about your next move? You could try therapy with someone that you could build a better relationship with, now you are more aware of what you need, and make your feelings clear from the beginning, or can you repair your relationship with these therapists?

For myself, doing yoga has been a real breakthrough, and has helped me more than anything else, and is something that I have been able to pursue on my own. It has, however, generally helped me to overcome my problems in dealing with others. On the other hand, this is by no means an easy option, and, I think, only works in the longer term, and with real commitment. Perhaps it is easier to do in an organised class. I have taken quite a few, this is definitely the best and safest way to start, and works well for other people.

Good luck with whatever path you chose.

thanks for all your input and replies. i remember being constantly negative, everything was always wrong, everyone was against me, or inadequate; the world was a miserable place, and i wished i was not in it. all those thoughts got me was more misery.

i'll share a little secret about the brain and re-parenting, perhaps it's not a secret, and perhaps it's not even real, but this is what i'm doing and it's working for me. i watch tv shows with charactors in them who are positive, polite, optimistic, kind; all the qualities i wish i'd learned growing up (how to be assertive without being belligerent, etc.).

the brain has a quirky little function, let's call it Pretend I'm YOU. while we watch tv our brain fires off little echoes of what it sees and hears, it mimics what we are watching. it's probably the same with sound, only i'm visually oriented and auditorally impaired. So i have stopped watching violent tv, and focus on smart, polite, gentle, kind characters.

there are ways to find good parents all around, if you don't demand that they take care of you. just watch people in the store,,, you can tell who takes the time to educate their children, and who just smacks them around. when i first started to "heal the inner child" i was aghast when i saw good parenting~ "you're teaching that child to be selfish and demanding!" i would think. but noooo,,, it turns out that taking time to pay attention to children's needs teaches them to pay attention to others' needs later in life.

i hope i have been able to explain this a little better, that it's of use to some, and not hurtful to any~~
best wishes~!

Have you considered reading parenting books (you can borrow some from the library if you don't want to invest in them)? Two good ones are Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish.

I read them as I wanted to parent differently then I had been parented. Through understanding ways to be firm but not too strict, and learning how to relate to kids, I learned how I could treat myself as well. For instance, instead of rigid rules I had obeyed as a kid, I grew to think about myself more flexibly - to not be too demanding, but at the same to have some boundaries and guidelines and not go without any guidance. Instead of "I must do X because Y", I started to think about having guidelines based on firmness and compassion, without strict "must's" and "have to's". Through learning how to affirm my kid's feelings without necessarily agreeing with them or what they did with them, I learned how to respect and affirm my own. Through learning how to teach them to deal calmly with their big emotions and behaviours, I learned calmness and patience for myself.

My library had the Book by Faber and Mazlish. They are getting the other one from another library. I hope I like em.
Thanks for sharing!!

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. If I were a child those books might help but I am a seriously damaged adult which is another thing altogether. The suggested books address child parenting but not adult healing. I have just started reading "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. This better addresses my situation.

I know nothing beats a good learned book, but basically use human nature, with books to help my child, who's 23 now. For some reason my own schooling was terrible catholic upbringing, I almost had a nervous breakdown from the amount of rules and such. My son does have mental issues and so does his biological dad. It is so hard to live with m
Y son he should be out of the house by now, in witch he was for a year already, but I let him stay at my home with my husband no worries because of the issues, he's on meds now too.

There is a brilliant psychologist by the name of:
Nathaniel Brandon,who recommends that for nigh
on everything,the study of self-esteem is almost
mandatory. Having been badly physically abused
by both parents,I was in a helluva state. I may not
be 'cured' now,but I am way better than I was. The
other thing,which I personally think is also mandatory,is,self-compassion,plus assertiveness,
and spirituality+courage (please note,spirituality
is not religion).
I wish you all courage and self -
compassion,especially this time of year.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

Unguy thanks for mentioning this book by Pete Walker. I really liked what he wrote on his website.
I ordered the book and it came yesterday!!! I believe I will get the answers I am looking for. I'm going to take it slow and savor it.
Thanks again!!
Susanemily