Fear that God hates me

Im going to try to write this is the least confusing way possible.

I was first abused at 3 until I was 7 by a female. As a teenager I was extremely over sexualized and did alot of stuff im not proud of. Some consensual some not. I grew up a catholic, a major one, my mom is close to fanatic, everything is pray for this pray for that.

Thought I'm in therapy, I feel extremely guilty and ashamed. I hate goin to church cuz i feel unclean, i cant pray or have a relationship with God. Being a victim of homosexual abuse I feel like i've committed a mortal sin. Anything that happens to my family I feel is my fault because I don't pray like I should be doin. But attempting to pray brings indescribable shame, guilt and embarrassment.

I keep asking God to save me, heal me like everyone claims He does. But I guess i dont feel worthy. How do I come close to God and convince myself that I'm worthy of His love. How do I realize that the sins of my abusers are not my own?

Hope I'm posting the right place......really need some help with this

((((((((Sherryanne))))))))

You are deserving! I also grew up catholic and that came with alot of shame and guilt in itself.

I don't believe in a "God" persay, but I do believe that we have all been created by an energy source that is all loving and that it doesn't create crap! What happened to you as a child is not your fault nor something you should be ashamed of. What occurred was abuse, whether it was by a man or a woman does not matter, it was just wrong.

I understand how hard it is to get over guilt. But you need to keep telling yourself that you are worthy of anything that you want or need.

Tranquility

Sherry, first of all, as you said it yourself, it's your abuser's sin, NOT yours. You were a child that had no sayso in what happened to you. Moreover, you were probably scared into silence by your abuser and told that it was all your fault. At that age, you had nothing to base these lies on.

Because of what your abuser did to you, you learned things that no child should know or does know without the abuse. You were probably told or made to feel that the only way you would be loved or cared about or even accepted was by allowing the abuse. That's why you were promiscuous in your teen years. I know! I was there! You're looking for love and/or acceptance through sex... because that's what you were taught... wrongly, I might add!

Second and most important, it's NOT you that God sees as unclean. It's your abuser! God loves you and sees you as the innocent child you were at three. He accepts you just as you are. When you accept God's unconditional love for you, then will be the time when you will be able to accept yourself just as you are, no shame, no guilt.

I accept you just as you are and I don't see you as unclean, shameful or guilty of ANYTHING! ... not anymore than I see myself that way because of the abuse I went through. My abuser was female, too. It was quite a shock when my T put it into words "You were the victim of incestuous homosexual rape!"

It was THEIR uncleanliness, THEIR sin, NOT ours! You and I are INNOCENT of any of that.

first of all you already asked God to forgive you. now it is time to forgive yourself. the abuse was NOT your fault but you need to forgive yourself for the things you did in your teen years that were sinful. God already did hon.

God's own word says that He is faithful and just to forgive us from sin and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. You can trust God at His word. He is a God of love. He knows what you've been through, and all the reasons for what you have or have not done (and not just you but all of us) and He still loves us. Return to worshipping Him and I'm sure you will feel His mercy.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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i really feel for you,i grew up catholic and in an abusive home no place for a loving anything--i found and still do find it so hard to feel the love of god ,it is people and religion which creates the confusions, i'm still striving and struggling to feel god's love,at times i feel it other times not, if you need to pm on this me please do take care

((((((((((((((((((((((((((sherry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
God always forgives... and if you were unable to stop it and did not want to do it... then he will punish those who did it to u, not the other way round.
God will always love you... and you may feel better by praying to God and going to church... idk good luck
take care
self

Sherryanne,

I was raised Catholic, and guilt and fear of God, can easily result from this upbringing.

On top of that you have all of the abuse issues, which surely have resulted in feeling ashamed. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed, but that is one of the normal results of enduring what you did.

Your abuse also was a major contributor to your acting out as a teen.

Can you find a good protestant church? When I made the shift I bloomed under the sermons about God's love and caring.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

Hugs,

EJ