[alchemy63]

I'm older now, but, I remember. I remember a time when I was not so sure, when I lacked clarity, had questions.

I remember that feeling of not knowing, wondering, and hurting. I remember looking around myself, at this place, feeling an absence of something, something that had gone missing, or, something I wished to be there.

I could not put a name on this something, but I knew that it was absent. I searched and drifted among the pack, at times thinking I'd almost found it, only again to be disappointed that it had escaped my reach.

I felt closer at times, then, very far away from it, it seemed as if I was climbing a steep hill, stumbling, sliding backwards, or other times, that I'd toppled over the edge. What seemed real at one time begsn to feel less and less real as time went by and I felt myself being sucked down into a large dark hole. I began to feel there could be no escape and the lifelines I searched for to keep me from falling all the way in seemed fewer and fewer.

It must have been my increasing desperation, I came to a point that i could name what it was i felt had gone missing. I was reminded of the feeling I'd had in my youth, of being safe in the classroom, where the teacher was leading the lesson and heads we're turned towards the teacher with interest and the mood of the room was one of learning. The kids in the class were quiet, listening, well behaved and it gave me the feeling that all was well in the world. We were all students, ignorant, but learning. The teacher was patient and kind and answered our questions. It was safe and everyone was cared about.

The school bell would ring and we'd all gather up our books and papers and pens and scuffle off to the hallway going to our next class. The quiet studious-ness was replaced with a sort of chaos as people hurried so they wouldn't be late. One by one and in groups we filtered into the next classroom, choosing our seats, arranging our books, chatting, gossiping, teasing, arguing with each other. Someone would shoot a spitball at someone else, someone would make a humorous retort, someone would imply turning up the heat on the radiator so that we'd all becoming over heated sweating pigs. Goofing around and being kids.

From this example I could see what had gone missing in my life. I could see that gone was the teacher, the quiet, the respectful attention and order that the wonder of learning brought out in us. I felt my life had become one of chaos, of the time between classes, when there was less structure, a time when people were free to be at ease and be themselves, undisciplined.

There was a part of me that needed the structure the learning atmosphere had provided. It brought order and sense to things. The authority of the teacher brought safety. I seemed alone in wanting that kind of organization.

As I grew older the social circles I fell in with had a rebellious nature to them. I admit a certain part of me was rebellious too. It seemed all around me ‘the establishment’ was attempting to coerce people into conformity, to conform to the perfect ideal of a model employee, model neighbor, model citizen, and spiritually, to fit the model ideal. My spirit struggled for freedom.

I'm writing this post and including this link because to me, it speaks a truth about what I imagine some of you may be feeling. A determination to be you in this conformist driven environment. Be brave, be not afraid, be loving, feel, explore and experience your spirituality. YOUR spirituality, not any one else's.

Owning Your Power - article by Martin Brofman

This is excellent. Thanks for sharing.

[Pikku Myy]

I know who i am now in my 50s... lots of support from here and the outside world i finally believe I am a human being.

[alchemy63]

Thanks you guys.

It's been a long, tough road for me to finally say I'm human again, to say I understand what's in that link.

I wrote this post in case there's anyone like me, who, somehow, became dis-attached to something they used to feel attached to. I could remember a time when I hadn't felt so disconnected and it was that memory of better times that made what I was going through that much more painful. I knew there was something better, I just didn't know how to get back to it.

That's what started me on my spirit quest. Something inside myself had gone missing and I just didn't know what it was. I first began to notice it when each day it became harder to talk to the people around me. I felt myself slipping away. I began to feel threatened and frightened by people. I began to feel very incomplete and incapable of competing. I withdrew.

I wanted to reach out and connect, but I couldn't. People were moving all around me and I did my best to keep up but mostly I became angry with myself for not keeping up, and eventually, angry at them, for moving on past. I began to sympathize with the hurting ones, people I thought were like me, who’d been trampled on, cast aside.

I can't say everyone was cruel, there were many good people in my life and thier kindness kept me from drowning. I wanted to be like them, helpful, caring, and kind.

It wasn't at first that I began to look for spiritual help. I thought psychology could help me better understand what was happening in my brain. It did shed some insight. But, what I felt most of all was an emotional ache. Spirituality seemed the place to find the answers to the questions I had.

I wrote this post to be about finding your own personal power and for me, I found strength in my own form of spirituality. I tried the better known forms and I found parts that worked, but as a whole, I could always find in them, parts that didn't work. So I adapted and took from several to make a patchwork of beliefs that work for me.

I've been called the devil because I don't conform the strict of doctrines that religion prescribes. I don't feel like the devil though and being labelled that didn't encourage me much to follow that faith. And yeah, I am still kind of angry about it.

[healingme4me]

Finding ones spiritual identity is certainly a huge step. Glad that you've found what works for you. Skimming through a couple other posts after noticing the link on current events, we probably wouldn't see eye to eye, but it's truly an individual experience. Thanks for sharing yours.

[alchemy63]

It's ok if we don't see eye to eye or think exactly the same, that doesn't make either of us right or wrong, we just see things differently and that's a good thing because if we all thought the same there would never be anything new and nothing would ever change. I wouldn't want to live in that world.