Feeling lost

Is this ok for this forum....?

I feel like I have lost my way. I have lost my faith. Many years ago I went to church. I questioned organized religion so much I finally never could go back. I kept a spiritual faith for years though. I prayed a lot. I tried meditation too. Read a lot... about many different faiths and belief systems including Buddhism. I really felt reconnected again when I read The Power of Now... then I read A Course in Miracles and felt I had found a spiritual “home” so to speak. I was at peace for a while. Then the questioning began all over again and I lost it all again.... Now I cannot even pray or meditate anymore. I used to find a great deal of comfort in prayer, meditation and a belief in a greater good. I get so upset by all the pain and devastation in the world that I turn away completely from any type of faith for this reason... I feel selfish... because prayer was always for my own comfort and little more.

Anybody gone through this and what did you do?

I can 100% relate, I even had a similar thread here a couple of months ago... I haven't found a solution, there's nothing we can do, just try to forget about this painful topic :-(

I have known some very religious people (I looked up to them for their faith) who admitted to me they sometimes had doubts. There have been times prayer has lifted me up and I think many religious teachings enhance our lives. Despite witnessing these things, I still doubt. I wish it wasn't the case but it is.

Your quote says it all. 😞

Well, folks...I was raised in the church and never really understood the bible or the followers of the church. I live my life the best I can, helping when I can, cherishing those close to me, being honest, and such.

Please excuse an old man if he waxes philosophical here for a bit. Years ago there was a wonderful movie titled "In This House of Brede". It starred the marvelous actress Diana Rigg (of "The Avengers" fame.) She played a middle aged woman who had decided to enter Brede Abbey & become a nun. There's one scene in the movie where Rigg is up in a tower looking down at other nuns as they pass through the courtyard below. One of the older nuns comes up behind Rigg & says: "It's a wonderful view. But it's the wrong perspective." She then takes Rigg outside of the Abby & they walk downhill along a path until they stop & turn around. And when they do, they see Brede Abbey riding high before the sky.

One problem I see, when it comes to confronting all of the pain & devastation we see in the world, is that people tend to view it from the wrong perspective. People look at the world from a heavenly perspective, as if we are all fallen angels who need to try to find our way back up... sort-of like human beings once lived in a Garden of Eden, we were cast out, & have to try to find our way back. But I prefer to take an evolutionary perspective. And if you look at it from that perspective, & compare homo sapiens to all of the other species that have existed throughout earth's history, look how far we've come! Yes, we still have many many problems. But, on the other hand, historians tell us we're actually living through the most peaceful period in recorded history.

I enjoy watching the BBC mysteries they show on our local public television station. And one of my favorites was what has come to be known as The Warricker Trilogy. In the 3rd episode, the title character's girlfriend is staying in a safe house with a priest the title character (Warricker) went to college with. And, as the two of them talk, the priest mentions that Warricker had at one time wanted to become a priest. But he says that, as much as Warricker desperately wanted to believe, he didn't. And he didn't realize that believing and wanting to believe are not the same thing. I can relate to this. Because there was a time, many many years ago when I also contemplated such a vocation. (I was entranced, so to speak, by the examples set by the Berrigans (Daniel & Phil), the Catholic Worker movement, & the tradition of the French worker priests.) But I also didn't really believe. And I didn't realize, at the time, that believing & wanting to believe are not the same thing.

I think nowadays, at least here on PC, I have a bit of a reputation as being something of a Buddhist. But really I'm not. In fact I'm not really anything. I just live my life, such as it is, one day at a time. And when I'm confronted with scenes of the pain & devastation that exists in the world today, I try to imagine Brede Abbey riding high against the sky.

I appreciate your thoughtful and eloquent response to my “lost soul” plea. I get what you’re saying here and I agree with you. We are probably living in the best time in history I think. As far as safety and comfort goes, as you pointed out. And yet many of us still feel restless and some of us, like me, a bit lost. I love history documentaries... and I love learning about science... I love learning about the philosophies of the different world religions.... I am always seeking something... and while I have fleeting glimpses I can never really hold onto anything.

Thank you.

Interesting thread. My husband follows an unconventional Christian path and has done so for 41 years. He has zero doubts that his path is a Godly one and that Jesus speaks to us with love and integrity. Jesus, he believes, is a being to aspire to. (My husband is not, btw, an evangelical Christian. He follows a path called A Course in Miracles - the philosophy you've mentioned, in fact.)

I was raised in a Jewish family with a step-father from India who practiced Hinduism. I frequently attended meditations and lectures at the Vedanta center in the city where I lived. My best friend of 55 years is Catholic; when we were kids I often attended mass with her (I always enjoyed mass; I still attend, now and then). I've been interested in, and worked a bit with, paganism and witchcraft - sometimes with rather astounding and intrguing results. I am fascinated by certain voodoo practices, but don't feel that voodoo is my heritage, my birthright to practice...I would be pretending, in a sense. In my 20's and 30's I avidly practiced Buddhist studies. The Buddhist concept of "just notice", learned while I sat zazen (meditation) has been most helpful to my mental health.
Culturally, I will always be a Jew. That's my ancestry, whether I like it, or not.

I have the innate intuition that there is a universal creator. There seems, to me, to be a strange and dependable arrangement to the universe. Existence of all things came from somewhere, I believe; I don't believe that it just "happened" by chance. That the creator presence is a "personal" one...hmm...maybe occasionally? But maybe it's more that we are all a part of nature, and cyclical in existence like nature is?

Anyway. My point for this lengthy post is that it's not always healthy (imo) to be sure of our beliefs. I know too many people who are and it causes damage in their lives - and in the lives of those who are close to them. My husband, for example, strongly justifies extremely unhealthy behaviors (not taking medication for his severe OCD, not seeking preventative medicine, because if he prays hard enough to God/the holy spirit/Jesus he will be healed. Well, he's 71 and still has the same mental health issues - maybe worse - that he was praying about 40 years ago. I'm not impressed. That he, at 71, has never had any kind of medical testing...colonoscopy, blood work, a hearing test, has obvious prostate issues but will not pursue treatment with a doctor...it stresses my kids and I; how selfish of my husband...how not like Jesus!).
Being solidly sure of one's beliefs and faith is often not a good or healthy way to live. It seems to me awe sprinkled with some faith and trust in the natural order of life, along with an openness to study and maybe experiment a bit with various spiritual beliefs...those are healthy pursuits. Being...well, yes: nowinners quote does say it all.

Wow Laurie! Your humble and insightful post really comforted me. I have never once thought that my lack of certainty was something to feel comfortable and secure with. I read your post twice and I will probably go back and read it again.

When I was five and in kindergarten I decided if I asked everybody I know, I would discover the answer to what happens when we die. I was very determined about this and I do remember asking everybody. It was my own private experiment that I have probably never stopped working on... Quite a heavy topic for a five year old but I was always an odd child... still am. And still just as determined to find my answer.

It has never occurred to me to just be at peace with my questioning. I’ve done it as long as I can remember... I always did love to hear everybody’s answers and I still do. ❤️

I'm grateful to you that my experiences could be of help.

*Laurie* I have to say..you sound like a really interesting individual. i wish I knew you IRL.

Thank you, Medusax. I think I am an interesting person; unfortunately, frequently misunderstood and, therefore, quite isolated.

(((((Sisabel))))) I have experienced something similar recently, and getting back into spiritual reading has helped (I used to read a lot about Buddhism). I thought of that when you said that you felt really good reading The Power of Now and A Course In Miracles. Are you the kind of person who will read a favorite book again? Maybe you can recreate that experience for yourself. Or find a different book along the lines of those two books.

I am with you about feeling guilty about feeling "selfish." I'm not sure what to say about it because I still haven't figured it out for my own self, but you're not alone in this feeling. I think that everyone's different. Some are more self focused, and there's nothing wrong with that. It does;'t make you a bad person or selfish or unkind. Do what makes you come alive. I need to follow my own advice! Hugs.

Thank you KnitChick. Maybe I will read those books again. Spiritual reading has been the one thing that helps when all else fails.

Indeed it does

coming to this section and these threads has been a huge comfort to me today. I am fascinated by the subject of spirituality and I do believe there is so much more than we can perceive, including life beyond this existance. I also love learning about science and I dont believe we have to choose one over the other.

Hugs to all who are searching and peace be with you

Science is the closest to religion I believe I seem to be able to get. Learning about the amazing design and order of things is humbling and kind of spiritually inspiring to me.

The most sense I could make out of experiencing what you've described is to see it as a series of dark nights of the soul. You find meaning in something, embrace it, then encounter the reality of what we are living in. There's a contradiction between the spiritual understanding and what you see "out there." You drop a bit, then a bit more, and have a dark night of the soul (DNS). For me, DNS meant I stopped believing in almost everything, including love. Then I would find my way out of the DNS and I would rebuild my spirituality. This happened over and over and over. The drop into the darkness was very big the first time I had a DNS. And it took a great deal of effort to come out of it. The second DNS wasn't as deep and I got out of it faster. I thought I would have only one DNS. But each DNS means you are purging more darkness. No one purges their darkness in a single DNS. I've had about eight DNS over about 5 years. The most recent ones last only a day or two and each time I come out of it with a better understanding of myself. And you think you've had your last DNS, then something painful happens and you have another DNS. It's a very rocky ride. But I do think each DNS makes you stronger. This is just how I interpret a loss of faith.

This is beautiful Clairerobin. It’s just beautiful. I appreciate so much that you wrote this. I can so relate... ❤️

I hope you'll be able to find your faith again... I can relate, at least in part.

I try to look at it as a journey. I do the best I can today with what is put in front of *me* today. A friend's mother is very ill in the hospital so I offer to babysit her kids. It crossed my path so I acted. Ebola crisis in Africa did not cross my path today. I need prayer today to maintain my strength & sanity & my good intentions, so I pray to my God. Tomorrow I may be in a position to reorganize a church or call for a change of policy of redefine God for millions. My actions today might lead me to redefine my working definition of my God in the future. Today I have a God that works for me today. I generally find life's changes are not dropped suddenly in my lap. They appear slowly after day to day subtle actions I've taken. I cannot change the policies of my gov't today but I can send in my absentee ballot. Maybe that will have a cumulative effect but all I have is that one ballot.Don't be hard on yourself. Do what's in front of you today.