Schizoaffective bios... let's share.

If you're not sleeping properly then that is definitely going to play into psychosis... unfortunately sleeping tablets don't really help you get the right kind of sleep, though I understand some of them taken appropriately help to reset your "sleep architecture" or something like that.

If you're bipolar then you can have symptoms like schizophrenia during a mood crises, schizoaffective is diagnosed when you have symptoms between mood disorders. So you might be feeling perfectly sane and stable, in terms of emotions, but experiencing schizo type symptoms while emotionally stable.

Symptoms I get are hallucinations, mainly auditory and visual, sometimes tactile (someone touches me, or I feel insects on my skin) occasionally olfactory (smells, usually nasty and rotten, but sometimes very nice indeed.)

I used to believe that my hallucinations were "real" events, that I was psychic. So for example if I met someone and got an olfactory hallucination of rot I would assume it was a psychic sign not to trust the person.

As well as hallucinations, there's paranoia... I often think people are out to get me (today for example I'm having an issue with my son's school, and got so upset I could hardly breathe.) Actually, right now I'm sure there are some people out to get me. But maybe I blow these things up in my head... there's also psychoses, when you get a wrong idea stuck in your head, a bizzare delusion. I used to be frightened crossing the bridge in our village, because I thought there was a monster or demon living underneath it.

Something I don't get is confused speech, though I do get driven and bizzarre speech sometimes.

Negative symptoms include lack of interest or pleasure in life (I'm fighting that one, I have a son who I must be alert for) and catatonia (going inside yourself and not moving, or responding) and wooden facial expression.

Thanks for your feedback....I am so glad there is a forum like this. To know that I am not alone is huge. I have been keeping so many things secret because I want to continue living independently and don't want more intrusion into my life. I too thought for a long time these might be 'psychic or paranormal' experiences, because I am a sensitive and have been doing readings using shamanism where you actually do go into different realities. Any doctor I have tried to talk about this with tell me "I need to find Christ", stop dabbling in 'dark things' and on and on and on. But things have escalated to the point that I knew deep down there was more going on. I stopped doing the readings and the shamanic journeys, for almost a year now. It hasn't helped, but gotten worse. I now have paranoia episodes, am very reclusive. I also have sleep apnea. I didn't know which type of doctor to even talk to - was it sleep deprivation? psychotic episodes? neurological? I am limited on income, so I can't just go for multiple tests. Money is another issue - I find myself giving it away half the time and then not having any money to live on until the next month. I had a manic episode after finding out about this disorder - I was giddy all day knowing there were
others out there. I am so blessed to have found this group and thread. Thank you!

Hi raccoonwoman... Wow, your doctors in the US tell you that you have to find Christ? When I talk about Jesus to doctors in this country they tell me I'm hyperreligious, and need more mood stabilisers! Seems every country has a spiritual prejudice of some sort...

I used to be a wiccan, and know what you mean about trance experiences and shamanic journeys... quite aside of where I stand now in terms of religion (I'm Christian) I think that a lot of those journeys are dark. Even before I was Christian I was trying to disentangle myself from the problems that arose via mediumship, the raising of energies and contact with spirit entities. I'm not going to tell you that you need to find Christ (I remember how my eyes used to roll at that one) but I will say that none of us can find Him. He finds us... and something else, He's nothing like the fundementalists paint Him to be. He's a good shepherd who gives His life for His sheep. Does that sound like someone who's going to let you burn in hell for all eternity because you made a mistake?

Sorry, I get annoyed by the simplicity and dogmatism inherent in the phrase "you've got to find Christ". Jesus never said you had to find Him. He said that He would find you. He didn't dictate as to how you received Him, I don't think it bothers Him if you're a Catholic, or one of the many colours of Protestant, or even, increasingly I'm thinking, a Muslim. He just loves us, and He wants us to know that. Once we know that, we're safe, whatever else happens.

Okay... hyper religious rant off, I hope I haven't put you off or anything! For the record I'm not an anti pagan, and I don't think pagans worship the devil or sacrifice babies. I hate that stupid propoganda... Hope you're still talking to me after my little rant.

Well I can't do as much as before I was ill. But hobbies and pets help a lot.

What are your pets and hobbies? I have a cat and a guineapig, some hens. And I play classical guitar.

LOL, no I'm not put off at all. But I was upset that doctors who take the Hippocratic Oath to do no harm or treat anyone different because of race, sexual orientation, religion etc. That was in Oklahoma, which is in the Bible belt. Now I am in New Mexico where people are much more open and accept your beliefs and work with you regardless. I haven't found a psychiatrist here yet, but am beginning a search next week. IN the meantime I've been traveling back and forth to Oklahoma.
Just today during a short nap I heard the phone ring 3 different times and when I got up there were no calls logged. I also get very stiff arms and when I awake it is like rigor mortis has set in. I see this is also something that people experience, rarely but then that's usually how it is with me!
Thanks for your thoughts - I'm open minded just like you. And while I was
typing this I heard a huge bang with no explanation. I live in a small cottage and nothing here would cause that sound. I will continue to follow this thread - I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone!

Hello, Raccoon. High five & a big hug!
I didn't think I was so open minded until my psychiatrist told me I was way too open minded. Thoughts were shooting around my head... I think she called it "flight of ideas" or something. She would talk about things and I talked like it was my idea she had borrowed. I was taking in all sorts of ideas, sounds, sights, which she didn't want me to believe. She wanted me to put a lid on it (my brain). So we did, with paliperidone (Invega).
Life stopped being so colourful and confusing. The phone doesn't ring so much anymore. I do feel stiff. I feel positively geriatric. I get very sleepy and get sore from sleeping so much. All the while I watch my life tick bye as I achieve nothing on my "it matters" list.
My wife is tiring of my energy-less consumptive state, and I watch with horror as the edges of my marriage disintegrate like the nose of a damaged space shuttle entering the earth's atmosphere at blistering speed.
In desperation to recover something of our marriage I jettison the Invega and pray that the other meds will be enough to keep me adequately together.

I'm not sure I want the side effects of this drug more than I want to get rid of hallucinations and delusions. I guess it depends which ones get us into worse trouble.

(((T-surfer))

I'm sorry you've had so many problems with the Invega. I hope the side effects resolve quickly once it's out of your system and that the hallucinations remain at bay. They are cruel things, the trade-offs we need to make sometimes.

I know all too well how much our illnesses can strain our marriages. There were times when I didn't think ours would make it, but we keep plugging, close to 20 years now. From earlier posts, your marriage sounds strong to me, and will hopefully weather this storm and move out of it being even stronger.

Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hey T surfer, I'm sorry you've been having such problems with your meds. Here's hoping things will improve for you... as dragonfly says it's always been obvious that you two love each other, and that counts for everything in a marriage.

Porcupine, how are you today?

Hi everyone! I am feeling better finally, well I hope been three some what balanced days so I'll keep hoping they stay. Did not make it to hospital. New pdoc great. I missed you all very much and felt so bad that I was not able to be here like I was before. I did keep you all close to my heart and prayers. T surfer, its true you always speak highly of the relationship between you and your wife. You have made it this far I'm sure you can make it again.

Hi Mokie. I'm glad you're feeling better. It seems our MI makes tough everyday struggles that much tougher.
Still you're such a great encourager - maybe that comes from persevering.

Thank you T Thanks for saying that. I do hope I can encourage others but when I do get this mixed or out of control moods I feel like I let others down. It is all of you here that have helped me come to the realization that I am who I am even if I have an MI. That is just what makes me a unique individual and have to never forget that. Thanks again for all your support.

Okay, to make a long story short, as a child I went through a variety of verdicts before they named me Bipolar. But about two years ago, things started happening. I was getting psychotic symptoms that weren't there before and they just kept getting worse and worse. I knew it wasn't coinciding with bipolar.

I just had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I asked him outright if it was possible things had changed. He told me they had and that I was Schizoaffective and that it wasn't strange for new symptoms to come out as you get older. So really, this is a new diagnosis for me as of today. I'm still trying hard to get through this, because I'm really not sure how. The paranoia is so bad sometimes and the voices... It's hard to tell if someone's speaking to me or if I'm just hearing things again.

No one really understands just what I'm going through. My mom tries to, but she doesn't get it. It's one of those things you wouldn't understand unless you were experiencing it yourself.

So yup! That about sums up my story - at least thus far.

I'm glad that your mother tries to understand, even if she can't quite wrap her head around it. It's good to have someone on your side, and here's hoping that as time goes on she'll get more conscious of your issues.

Well I have been isolating myself for the past 3 weeks. Today I finally got a burst of energy but used it to catch up on all the cleaning. Took a small nap for 1 hr and I am back up and can't sleep.

I really miss you guys.

Mokie, it's wonderful to hear from you again. I hope you manage to get out of the hole properly soon.

Hi Mokie, I'm glad you're back. Hope it levels out so you can sleep properly.

Glad to see that you all have been posting great things! I've been off line for a while in a severe mixed state with homicidal and suicidal bents. Went off my meds cuz I couldn't afford the copays and finally one of my adult children got them. Finally saw the PDoc and he wanted to 5150 me. I can't-I have grandkids to get to school. I have to see him again next week. I try very hard to be normal around my grandkids. I have been paranoid about killing them before. If I get like that I go in immediate suicide mode to prevent that from ever happening. Unfortunatley last year I threatened the CA State Legislature with Sarin gas so now I'm considered a terrorist threat. Now the govt really does watch me. How will they find me now that I'm homeless? My two adult sons are still homeless too. We have to try and get a place together again.
So this is where we are putting our bios...hmmm. Like some of you I started out weird early on. I taught myself to read at age 2 and do arithmetic multiplication and division. I could talk to and understand animals until age 5 until a kitten guardian told me I would no longer be allowed this privilege. I had to fully join the human race. I was a violent little girl, but a genius far ahead of my age until age 10 when I had a severe TBI. I was bucked off my crazy horse on to my head and was never the same again. I have severe learning disabilities to this day and am a slow learner.
I was institutionalized for mental illness first at 12 after an overdose following an abortion. The next 4 years I bounced from state institutions to group homes and back. Then a boy at my alternative school took me home. His parents took in last ditch foster kids and I kinda fit in. I had been raped by a mental patient so I was pregnant too. I kept the baby. They helped me and I helped them with their disabled foster kids and I went to school. I had 2 more kids and they still helped me. I went to work as an EMT and got a great job working in a hospital ICU as a unit secretary. I've always been manic. Everybody loved that. And I continued to go to school too. I got married to a fellow EMT and that lasted for 13 years. He was very verbally abusive and I have poor self esteem. He was physically violent to the kids and me too.
After we were safe everyone kind of fell apart. My daughter was raped at 16 and went to the mental institution after overdosing. One of my sons was making bombs and was caught by the FBI and sent to the mental institution and then group home at 13 and the 11 year old refused to go to school and was put in the mental institution and group home too. They are all biploar. So I checked in and hung myself. Unfortunately, a secretary with some last minute paperwork found me and I was resuscitated. Ever since then I've been in and out of the hospital for being super depressed or supermanic. The hospital put me out on disability after 17 years of 12 hour night shifts. I was burned out with PTSD too. I've been on disability for seven years now. When things are good I paint, play the cello and piano and do volunteer work with regional mental health organizations.

I came out of a very abusive/traumatic child hood and the deep depressions started in college when I stopped self medicating with pot. They were long dark and hard, and that's when the military activated a chip in my head and started to talk incessantly. I began trying to find the chip with a tiny blade. Thus first hospitalization. It took a long time getting the cocktail right, but I finally have somewhat of a balance. I still get depressed, just not as badly, I still hear the military and I still plot ways to silence them. I can keep from falling 100% into that though, and I have learned that other people think it's crazy so I don't talk about it.

Oh,Grandma, that sounds like such a difficult childhood. I'm glad that you came out the other side,but i know some wounds don't heal very easily, if at all.