Lost in the fog

My mind is scrambled. I feel sort of numb. Noise in my head is screaming. Ants are all over my book, the floor, people stare strangely at me from the shadows. They knew the police would come for me today. I replay scenes. Imagined? Role play all sorts of bizarre characters. Too tired to read. Can't sit still.
I won't be posting for a while, I think.

Tsunami, whenever you're ready post back and let us know. We're thinking of you.

tsunami
We are here for you.

Thanks guys. I'm up to my gills in Zyprexa now. I see the pdoc on Monday.
Thanks for your support. Means a lot to me.
Peter

While driving along after dropping my kids at school this morning, I turn on the radio. Immediately the voice says "its all about you - always about you". I don't need to hear grumpy accusations that are none of my business, so I change channels. A few sentences along a voice says something similar "its your own fault - you just don't get it" or something like that. I change channels - this is just freaky. A short bit of music. Then a voice pipes up "you're the one - don't you see?". That does it. I am freaked out now, and turn the radio off. I win the battle for now but how long can I keep them away?
I have to resist offering advice or taking on new contracts - I don't trust myself.
I just need to get to the point where I know I'm not making it all up, and can be relied upon.

(((Peter))) I'm sorry you're in such a dark and frightening place right now. Know that we are here. You won the battle this morning - that is good. Monday is just a few days away. You still have the insight to know that things aren't right at the moment. Take some time to rest. Sleep if you need to. Sometimes that helps me get through the really rough times until my medicine kicks in. Helps quiet my mind. You will get through this. We are here.

~Joanne

Time for an update.
Firstly, thanks for your help everyone. It does make a big difference knowing that people are caring for you all around the world.

Following the above experiences, my pdoc admitted me to the local psych hospital for 8 days where I was put on the antipsychotic Invega. It took a couple of days, then I became suicidal but catatonic, so I could do nothing about it. Then things improved and for the rest of my stay, I was largely stable, if a little tearful.
I stayed on Invega for another month before seeing my pdoc again, at which point she agreed to let me taper off the drug (I hated being on it).

3 days after my last dose, I became manic, which lasted 4 days. I am now sensing a heaviness descending on me. I'm not sure what to think of it. I guess time will tell whether it is simple depression, or an ominous case of impulsiveness disguising itself as depression. My senses have been playing around at the fringes of reality, and I'm feeling rather cautious about believing them too.

Hope that this heaviness lifts... perhaps it is just a side effect of withdrawal from the Invega, and will pass? I'm glad you're home though.

Hey Tsunami, how are you today?

The storm is getting rougher at the moment, thanks. I'm confused most of the time. The voices have been dumping their cr@p in my ears all day. Some shouting at me, others gossiping about what I'm doing - often repeating themselves (as if I don't know that I've just put a knife down or switched on the kettle).
I think with images or feelings because its safer. If I think using words, my mind will be open to hacking, and that really scares me. They could put thoughts into my mind, then blame me for thinking them.

I got no work done today.

I hope they can find something to help keep the voices at bay and allow you to be coherent at the same time. It has to be out there somewhere.

Thanks Dragonfly.
It comes and goes. Most of the time I just have memories of hallucinations and crazy thoughts of the kind of trouble I could end up in if I spoke gibberish to people in public, or felt threatened and then said something they could interpret as threatening, then find the police coming in to arrest me. Often it is not even real hallucinations or delusions that get me paranoid - it is paranoid thinking about getting into trouble that breeds more paranoia.

So I decided to have some positive family time with my girls who are out of school for the holidays. I bought some doughnuts, made some tea, and we all sat at the dining room table to enjoy them together. I felt so warm and loved, it was fantastic.

That does sound fantastic. I'm sure your family loves you very much and just wants you to be well again. You'll get there, my friend...it may just take longer than any of us would like.

I'm glad you had that, tsunami... I know when my son gets back I'll start to feel better. Family grounds us, we need that.

We've all had days and nights filled with sensory illusions that disorient us. I have found cognitive therapy techniques to be helpful with the intrusive thoughts that loom up like giant snails. And spiders ARE attracted to carbon dioxide which we happen to exhale. Sooo... if one chases you actively you will know why.

Well, the fog seems to be lifting. I had a beautiful Sunday and spent some good time with my wife.

Then a friend asked me to shoot an album cover for a death metal band. Some of the ideas she had disturbed me a lot so I was exhausted after our 1.5 hour brainstorm.

Then last night I could feel things going pear shaped. I became agitated and felt a driving need to relieve the distress. I didn't sleep well, and had a string of nightmares linked by wide awake periods where I wanted to kill myself.

Why now?!! Why when it all seemed so positive that I was recovering? I'm not even depressed!!! (Well, ok, maybe just a little).

Hi Tsunami, I'm glad you had that respite yesterday... sounds like the problem overnight was caused by having been more actively engaged with others. I think you'll probably start having more positive experiences start to link up with each other, and the nightmares and horrible feelings should subside. It's what I'm praying for you anyway.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support lately.
Its been a scary pear shaped day today. I'm getting to know now that when I hear a dove talking to me in a strange code, then realise a minute later that all along it was a different species and the message wasn't meant for me anyway, that I am in for one of those days.

While I was making coffee I kept seeing a long white flag being flown past the windows in our dining room, yet there was no-one outside.
Then I was frustrated by a clock ticking penetratingly in the bathroom, eating into my head - but there is no clock in our bathroom.

I was feeling dazed and bewildered. Then as the day progressed I began to get a heavy and sad feeling come over me.

Soon after that I had a plumber arrive. It was a horrible experience. He asked me simple questions I couldn't answer. I just wished the problem would evaporate, plumber and all. But it didn't. He told me we had an imminent disaster sitting in our geyser which needed an electrician asap.
I got the contact details of a reputable electrician, and then my heart sank with fear. I then had to contact this guy and explain to him over the phone what the issue was (long silences seldom go down well on the phone).

Pulling things together and making them happen is definitely not a gift of mine at the moment.

Note to self: requirement specification for next little white pill is to solve the above.

I'm sorry you're suffering. I wish I could help.

Oh tsunamisurfer that is a truly horrible day! I am so sorry. I really hope things start looking up for you , you deserve some time off form this, that is forsure.

Well that was a good 4 month break from voices and paranormal experiences. The last 3 weeks have been a bit strange, with this week launching into feelings of overwhelming confusion, terrifying visions of being pumped with excruciatingly painful alien chemicals by fuzzy pale creatures, sounds of my deceased dog running up the driveway behind me, words on a page whispering to me and echoing for minutes.... Talking to people who expect a response out of me is overwhelming. I guess I will be quiet again for a while.

Hey Tsunami, when you feel able to talk again we'll be here. I'm so sorry about your dog.

Feel better. We'll be here for when you're feeling better. : )

Its been a couple of months without meds, and I have been feeling so much more alive, and able to interact with other people. Not perfect by a long shot, but certainly better than being in a dope stupor with diabetes and heart disease.
The last few days have been getting strange again. A sense of things around me being unreal. My ability to speak comes and goes by the hour. Sometimes my mind is razor sharp, and other times I am bewildered and can't make sense of anything.
I had a bad lot of sensory agitation yesterday. Sounds have been intrusive and I have had to hide to avoid being overpowered by them.
This evening I was lying on the trampoline, watching storm clouds changing shape above me. Some of the shapes looked ridiculous, and I lay there laughing hysterically for about 10 minutes. If anyone had seen me, they probably would have been concerned, but I really enjoyed it. Sigh. Not all weirdness is bad.

I suspect now that the confusion and declining abilities I sought help for 3 years ago wasn't really depression at all. I think it had more to do with SZA.