diary

My friends rallied round yesterday. My support worker helped me put the bin out yesterday. It sounds silly, but she accompanied me to the bottom of the road, and persuaded me that it was safe to put my bin out. I thought somebody might rummage through it, and find something to discredit me. To be fair, I knew it was a silly thought, I just couldn't stop thinking it.

So, today the bin's empty, and I don't have to worry about clutter piling up again. The council only collect the regular waste once a fortnight, so if I can't put the bin out twice in a row you can imagine how difficult it gets.

Then a friend from church came and drove me to the doctor's (I'd normally be able to walk it) then drove me to the chemist to pick up my prescription. And later on a very good friend from church came and brought me to her house over night. I managed to eat a yoghurt yesterday, and a slice of toast with honey today. I'm still not hungry, but I'm drinking juice to keep my energy up. My hunger might come back when my son is home, since I'll have to cook for him, and maybe the smell will whet my appetite again.

But I am feeling better. The friend I stayed with overnight is a clinical psychologist, so she's very in tune with what I'm going through. She picked up yesterday when I was seeing things (I was trying to ignore them, most people wouldn't have noticed) and today when she got me back home she noticed when I went "sideways" and couldn't hear what she was saying. She helped me focus again, and when she left I was feeling much better.

Thank God for friends! I don't know what I'd do without them. Just this weekend I was convinced I was going to end up in hospital, but I don't see that happening now. Partly it's because the more the week progresses the nearer it is to my son coming back... and that will make me feel SO much better. Being alone is a killer.

Oh, I should add that the doctor tweaked my meds again. That seems to be helping a lot too.

I got out of the house! By myself! I walked up to the shops (less than five minutes walk) over the bridge that sometimes creeps me out, got what I needed and came back. I saw that it was raining, and it felt safer to step out in the rain for some reason. I put on my rain hat and a big coat and went as quickly as I could, but I went. Today the big scares have been a knock on the front door (I checked out the window, then answered it... someone looking to sell me something. Told him not interested.) When the phone rang (my housing officer letting me know she'd sent a letter on my behalf) and the old lady from a few doors down looking in my bin. Now, I'm certain that didn't happen. It can't have done... it's exactly the irrational fear I had Tuesday night when I was frightened to put my bin out, and besides, she was only there for a split second.

Other than that I've tidied the kitchen, I'm feeling like I've achieved something. Two rooms spick and span, my son's room freshly aired, he's coming back to clean ironed sheets, and a house that smells clean and sparkly. On Sunday I thought we'd be evicted or something, because I thought the house was falling apart, like one of those horrid homes you see on telly where nobody's cleaned for years. Mine isn't like that, and it was much easier to sort out than I'd imagined. So, I'm feeling better.

I did see a ghost last night, but I knew it wasn't real. It was an old friend of my husband's. The friend was very sad, for some reason he was turning into a shiny mineral stone, and he told me he'd gone to hell.

Now, that I know was a hallucination. And I've managed to ignore it. Hopefully the increase in antipsychotics will get rid of that kind of thing. I feel more vulnerable at night, I think that's what caused it.

And yes, I managed to eat a sandwich! So, what I've eaten this week is a big bar of chocolate, twelve jaffa cakes, a yoghurt, a slice of toast, and a sandwich. I had to force myself to eat the sandwich, but I'm glad I did. If I make myself eat perhaps my appetite will go back to normal.

My son came back today. And while I was cooking mushroom risotto for him I suddenly felt hungry, so I've eaten my first proper meal since Friday.

I'm still not a hundred percent, but now that he's home it will be easier to "fake it till I make it."

I managed, with the help of my son, to get out of the house yesterday. We went on the bus into town, had a wander round, got him a treat (video game) and had a light lunch. Then we did the shopping, made our way back home. I'm still not eating much, but I did at least have one meal yesterday.

I think I'm still loosing weight. It's something I want to do, but not quite this fast, since if I lose a stone in a week then I'll just put it back on as soon as my appetite returns to normal.

Went to church today. Was able to sit out when it got a bit frightening. Ate two baps with cheese in, and a yoghurt, had an energy drink.

Worried about taking my meds, because tomorrow someone is coming to the house to paint the bathroom. I'm scared about how I'll be in the morning... this morning I could barely move. But if I don't take my meds because I need to wake up in the morning, then I'll not get any sleep, fall asleep at five, and be in an even worse state.

So I'll bit the bullet and take my meds, and pray God I can get up when the guy comes round.

Just feeling flat today... I wouldn't say I've been depressed the last few days so much as deadened or flattened. Nothing's getting to me, to make me feel either better or worse. It's exhausting. All I want to do is sleep.

My blood test came back, "satisfactory, no action needed."

I've got another appointment on 2nd Sep, ten to eleven. Thought I'd type it in here so I wouldn't lose a scrap of paper, and end up missing the appointment.

Oh for pity's sake, I'm such a moron. This morning I had two hundred pounds to last till Tuesday. Instead of being pleased that I'd been frugal, paid all the bills, and had some money left over, I went on a spending spree. Now I've got thirty two pounds to last till Tuesday. Belt tightening time, I think.

On the other hand, my son had a good day... we ate out, went to the pictures, and I bought clothes for us both, and a book for a friend.

But how on earth did I spend so much and not even notice?

I had voices last night, before I went to bed, but don't remember what they were saying now, except they were children. I also had nightmares about my mother.

I've been feeling rather blah the last few days, not much of anything. Getting obsessed about religious matters again... I never know how much is too much. I don't think I've gone off at the deep end though. But it's consuming a lot of my time.

Yesterday I mowed a friend's lawn, and it did seem to energise me for the rest of the day. So this morning I've done some light weights and stretches. Feeling good.

Today I'm in an awful lot of pain with my period, but the moods relatively okay. Can't leave the house though, for physical reasons. I'm too sore to stand up in the kitchen and cook, wash dishes, so I'll be ordering Indian takeaway. We have a great takeaway in the village, and I think I deserve a treat...

Really bad tonight... mind you, it's my wedding anniversary tomorrow. Actually, techincally, today. I've been widowed four and a half years. I remember on our wedding day, neither of us slept well, we were so excited. It was a chilly morning. When I first put my stockings on my son looked at my legs, blueish beneath the white, and said, "your legs are purple." (They did warm up.) We both got the giggles as we exchanged our vows, and he squeezed my hand. He was in a wheelchair, so we sat to exchange vows. It was a very small wedding, a stranger came up and gave us flowers. I still have them at my father's house. It rained while our photos were being taken. Somebody had made us sandwiches, and used a heart shaped cooky cutter on them... my son (young at the time) didn't want to eat heart shaped sandwiches, taking his vegetarianism into wildly symbolic literalism. Gave me an excuse not to eat them for the same bizarre reason. We saved the flowers off the wedding cake, then turned to discover that my son made up for his rejection of the hearts by stuffing himself with roses. My brother was late for the wedding, he was held up in traffic. Arrived in time to present us with presents, kiss everyone, and provide my son with an alternative to heart shaped sandwiches. My dog and my father's dog were both invited to the wedding. They got on very well, sniffing each other's bottoms, in an attempt at canine courtesy. The humans just shook hands and hugged.

(((((Mgran)))))

Really beautiful - and funny - reminiscences. Thank you.

((((Megran))))

Mgran , that is beautiful, thanks for sharing that with us. Thinking of you ((((Mgran))))

Thanks guys. It's twenty to four in the morning here in the UK, and I'm still (obviously) suffering from insomnia. I don't know yet if I'll be able to make it through tomorrow's voluntary work. I may have to cancel.

Well, right at the moment, I'm feeling rather happy. My son has done well in his interim exams, my landlady came round and fixed the front door, was very friendly, and set things right between us, by explaining the incident with the dog, and that I wasn't to worry about the things the neighbours are saying about me ... it's only one set of neighbours, and people know that they like to complain. They've done it to everyone who's lived at this address. That made me feel safer, I'm not surrounded by people who hate me, it's just one small family, and it's their problem, not mine.

I still can't lose weight, I've spoken to the doctor, and we've agreed to wait at least six weeks before revisiting my meds... if I can stay stable for that long, well and good.

However, I'm a bit worried that I'm slightly too chipper. I'm not a mathematician, and yet I've been reading math's text books, and thinking I understand them... wondering if this is the start of one of my manic information deluge binges. Not been sleeping nights, but sitting up reading calculus. It's weird.

Just marking this down here, because I need to keep a record of things that are out of my norm, in case they're a sign of things going wrong. I'm not seriously worried, but I am aware that last time I went on a science binge things went strange quite quickly.

Don't think I've gone completely bananas, though I still do have a lot more mental energy than I've had for a while. Still reading and enjoying the math's text books, rereading Le Comte du Monte Cristo, considering doing a translation for fun, and learning Arabic. Still no weight loss. Sleep is still a bother, I missed an appointment this morning because I was too tired to move, been up till the early am.

Gosh, I've not posted on this for absolutely ages. Just posting today to say that for the most part I've been fine, but this morning I was completely confused about all sorts of things, and couldn't figure out what was real and what I'd dreamed or daydreamed about. For example, I felt pretty sure I'd had a conversation with a hero of mine... someone I never met in real life, and who's been dead some years. He invited me to go to Germany with him and his wife, but I couldn't find my passport so had to decline. Where did that come from!

I realised I wasn't quite connected to the world, and instead of going into my voluntary job I went and lay down for a bit. I've been better this afternoon, and was able to accompany my son to his piano lesson, and arranged maths tuition, so at least I got my head back into "Mom" stuff... I have to remember not to let dinner burn. Has anyone else ever had a completely random blip like this, seemingly out of nowhere? It's actually quite alarming, I'd been doing so well. It frightens me a little bit to think how I must appear to others at times like this. If I can't focus on a conversation, or refer to conversations that haven't happened. I must seem like a crazy woman.

I'm going to be careful for the next few days and just keep an eye on myself, so I'll be posting here for a little while till I feel safe again.

((( mgran )))