[newtus]

So without putting too much info, I have a sibling a few years or so older than me. I am 21. They are away living their life. When I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder they had just gone away to a university. They haven't been at home since and actually life on the other side of the country. I keep in close touch with them because we are kinda close.

Thing is, because they haven't been here, they don't know the full understanding of what's gone on with me. I have tried to talk to them about my diagnosis but they seem to not want to talk about it. Actually even saying that I don't need to buy into what doctors say. I took that seriously and tried to believe them but that was a few years ago and since then, things definitely have gotten worse with the illness. I've tried indirectly talking to them about it, but they either change the subject or act like they didn't hear anything. I'm scared to make it obvious because for 1, its embarrassing as it is, and 2, I really don't want to have to fight to talk about this since its embarrassing, and I have a hard time talking about it period. I've quit trying to talk about it all together. I've had other issues besides that with anxiety and they don't talk to me about that much either and give me advice that seems like anyone else would. I believe its because they don't understand but then they don't wanna talk about it.

I think they don't even want to believe I have this disorder, which is slightly understandable (they weren't here when I was diagnosed and not but once visited me for an hour during a one of my hospitalizations, but haven't been here for when things have been bad at home, period) but they don't want to talk about it.

I'm not sure what to do because by now, as im getting older, i'm more reserved than in my late teens and ever before, actually. They have asked me why I do certain things and act a certain way when they visit, and I don't know what to say. I can't bring up the diagnosis and when I have tried to say that it's just me, they look at me weird, like either i'm lying or they seem surprised that thats how I am. I'm also afraid that if they ever have to see me not ok...well...idk, they saw the tip end of an episode one time.

Anyway, advice? I'ts not really a question but how to deal with this? I'm not even sure what they are thinking.

[mgran]

Hey Newtus, I'm sorry that you're going through this. It sounds very familiar... I've actually been able to tell my family about my diagnoses (it proved tricky) but they've all dealt with it in different ways.

When my diagnoses was "bipolar" I told my step mother, and my ex (I felt he needed to know as we have a kid together, and I wanted him to step up if ever I got acutely ill.) My stepmother explained it to my Dad, who, when I spoke to him about it, was surprisingly mellow. Later the diagnoses was modified to schizoaffective, and the meds followed suit, and eventually I started to stabilise. I was too embarassed to tell my stepmother, because I'd already told her I was bipolar, I didn't want her to think I was being overly dramatic. I did however tell my brother, who's response was very logical and supportive. When I said I was schizoaffective he asked, "so what does that mean?" I explained it as far as I knew, and he listened, then said not to worry, he'd always known I was different, and I was the same post diagnoses as I had been before. Funnily enough we've got on a lot better since.

My Dad and stepmother still think it's bipolar, but my Dad has turned out to have a weird view of bipolar. He knows I've been on meds, but he seems to think they work like anti biotics and I should come off them. He asks every now and then whether I've come off them. I know he's concerned about my weight gain, which I suppose is more obvious to him than my illness was. He doesn't like to talk about it, which disappointed me, after the seemingly easy reaction he had when I first broached the subject.

So, here I am... I've got two people who know the full score (beside my son of course). My ex, and my brother. Both have been fine about it.

My step mother doesn't talk about it, but she doesn't shy away either. It just doesn't come up. My Dad does talk about it, but in an unrealistic manner. For example, my last bad do his response was "there's a certain selfish pleasure in melancholy", followed by a philosophical conversation taking in Greek Classical history, the Elizabethan theory of humours, and Jesuit musings on the nature of the soul.

All I can say is, if your family don't feel able to accept it, or talk about it, then it's their problem, not yours. Stay honest, but accept that they might not be able to remain honest themselves. I'm sure they still love you, no matter how embarassed or in denial they may be about your illness. They wouldn't deny the illness if they didn't want to see you in the best possible light. Relax as much as you can. You can't carry the burden of their repression as well as everything else in your life. What will be will be. What they are prepared to understand is up to them, not you.

Apologies for the ramble! I've inherited my Dad's fine art of expansive conversation. Thanks for putting up with me.

[newtus]

Oh haha, no problem.

Yea, I KNOW they love me, so....I guess I don't know why they would'nt want or didn't want to talk about it. They dont have to accept it, they just dont want to talk. I mean my sibling. My father knows, and we talk about it sometimes and he's the best, because he's shows so much sympathy, and care that it actually puts fear into me to think if I were to lose him, because he's the only person who's been there like that. 100% no drawbacks or change of heart/mind. I've had one other person like that, but they are non-family and while I have a somewhat rocky relationship with them they still listen and can be supportive, just so many ending the friendship and coming back type of thing. My mother...well...hm...my mother. Well, I don't think i've had a worse relationship with anyone in my life than with her. I blame others for my past but not my present or future. So in this case I blame her for my childhood. Emotional and verbal abuse, that actually is the cause of a lot. Making me believe at a young age that I was adopted and told me I was the ugliest person in the world at 13. That no one will ever love me and i'll never deserve love at 9 years old. WOW, bad age to have that said to. I stuck with my dad only when I was young, and she despised that, even telling me that her and my dad were gonna leave me. My dad had to tell me that wasn't true. They eventually divorced. But I try not to talk to her. I try to avoid her which makes things better, slightly.

Thank you for the response though.

[mgran]

Hi Newtus, I've been off line for a few days, so hadn't seen your response, but wow... what an awful way for your mother to treat you! It makes one wonder whether she has mental health issues of her own... or if she's just cruel. That kind of childhood experience would certainly play into any mental health issues you already had. I'm so sorry. Glad that you have such a lovely relationship with your Dad though.

Do you think your sibling might have difficulty thinking about your diagnoses because they associate "that kind of thing" with your mother? Was she equally cruel to all her children?

[newtus]

It's a she..my sibling. I probably tripped up somewhere but if I didn't then, there.

Um, my mother probably has some issue. Though shes never been diagnosed, at least to my knowledge. And no...she doesnt think of anything regarding that to her. My sibling is way older, almost 10 years older. When she went off to university I was 9, so she never was here to see how I was treated and thus thats why I think she doesnt understand. The more recent few years she has seen some of that and can see...but only sees the tip of years struggle with that. My sibling and I are actually very close, even though in reality, I am my only mothers child with my bio dad. So..my sibling is like my half..sister. Though she was there from the moment I was born and we are close, so I never present her that way to others.

I um, seem to have a feeling she does not like me because she hates my dad. She left my dad. I think the thing is she may love me and she does say it, (not until I got older) but not often and any other time she can be extremely hateful. I couldn't say she prob has a diagnosis of any sort because she resembles so many. NPD, Bipolar, BPD. I suppose she would fit BPD. I'm saying those so you can get a better understanding of what kind of person she is, but shes never been diagnosed to my knowledge.

It scares me...literally, puts fear, and hurts me physically to EVEN THINK about her. I have avoided conversing about her with any and all therapist/doctors ive ever seen in my life. Um so much more on that.

Anyway, so, my sibling understands this stuff, shes in the mental health field. I just don't know...

EDIT: I feel like i should mention, my cousin has bipolar disorder (at least that)(diagnosed). Um its a real mystery...my cousins dad was a troublemaker when he was younger. My mother and her dad are siblings, and I have a mental health diagnoses. I can't comment on the other aunts/uncles/cousins but between my cousin and I and everyone else, my cousin and I seem to be the only ones with severe diagnoses. The reason its so odd is that Our parents that are siblings (whether they are diagnosed or not) have strong traits of some mental health issues, which no other aunt/uncle have openly, like my mom and her dad does, nor any cousins have openly like my cousin and I do.

[newtus]

I just feel so disturbed by this. By everything right now. My family relationships are almost a total mystery to me for what I have explained. I know they are to my mother and sister regarding me. If they aren't then they barely know me, and they just think they do. Then my illness and my future. I keep feeling that I can renounce my illness but then something comes up new and I realize I can't, because then it just seems true all over again. :'(

I'm deathly afraid of meds. I'm afraid of side effects, of being controlled, of being numb. I might not have anymore symptoms but then i'm not exactly happy. I've been on meds before. They messed around with me so much that it's just not worth it in my eyes.

My sibling is NOT around on a daily, not even on a monthly basis to see what I deal with everyday. She comes only on major holidays, so 3 maybe 4 times a year. I don't expect her to understand AT ALL, but she doesn't want to talk seems like and by now i'm too embarrassed, too afraid to talk and I just want to be left alone everyday seems like. Days go by so fast, they don't seem long enough and the years...a year without meds. This year seems like it went by in a week and half. My perception of time seems completely out of whack. I get up everyday and i'm 4 days ahead?...I don't understand how thats possible. Even when consistantly told everyday the ACTUAL day it seems like they never said anything, I keep thinking it's another day then what it actually is.

[mgran]

Newtus, I actually think that you're coping extremely well without the meds. It's bizarre to me that your sister works in the mental health field, and still struggles with your diagnoses. But that's her problem, not yours. It makes life sader and more complicated I'm sure, but remember you've done nothing wrong.

In my family I can trace where the illness has come down from... my mother, her mother and her father all have problems. I'm certain at least one of her sisters has a mental health problem, and I know that some of her maternal cousins do. Things ranging from depression, bipolar to schizophrenia. It's often a familial thing.

[newtus]

Yea, well, all that can come to mind is when some people who work in that field think that its impossible that they have immediate family that has an issue with mental health or perhaps deny it so much they dont want to listen to the actual issue.

I highly suspect its from my mothers side. Though she wont say a thing. I have a GRAND feeling she is lying through her teeth.

[newtus]

just talked to my sibling today. text.

they seem to think i only have anxiety and depression issues.

that if i dont want to go back to the hospital then i should just not go... because i told them a short reality into whats going on with me and that i fear hospital again...
..they said i am a smart enough to just not go?

i feel so beyond hurt....i realize there are some things i can not say on these forums.

a promised call from them. never attempted.

was for today?...didn't get it. not once. like many times.

just, hurt.

i keep isolating. its a pulling thing, you know? the idea pulls at me. almost so forceful.

into action it goes.

[newtus]

i think i have my answer...

i talked to my dad about it this morning and he says it's most likely denial from their side.

the whole point of trying so desperately to talk to my sibling is so i have a network of people that already understand and can give empathy. true empathy, unlike a professional.

i've realized all i really have IS my dad. this is fatally disheartening to me, because even though I have an average sized family, i only live with my dad. the product of divorce since i was 15. i have an extended family, thats extremely big, on both sides, but i have realized judgement is so hard there, just this year...

i can't stand to imagine my future. its not just that i am right now, but i also FEEL, safe. here, with my dad. i only ever feel safe with him. i only ever feel safe and am genuinely ok with my dad at home. both words have to be in there. dad AND home. not at a store nor someone's house. not even with my mom, nor my sibling and i get criticized for acting so anxious around them, saying i need to "stop that". my social anxiety causes me to feel anxious around people (EVEN family) that I already know. anyway, it enrages me beyond belief and only makes me wanna not be around them more.

this is why i think, if they dont want to understand, don't criticize me. period.

...this has changed my view on my sibling, and i believe the relationship a lot...

thanks for your help, once again, as you did help. thank you, mgran. i appreciate that.

[mgran]

Newtus, I'm sorry. This must have been a painful realisation for you. I don't want to be one of those awful people who says, "make an effort and things will get better" (partly because, in my experience, the opposite often happens.) But there is still the chance that things can improve with your family. Five years ago I was barely talking to my father, I had no relationship at all with my brother. It's been painful and difficult, but things have slowly improved. I suppose what I'm saying is just be open to the possibility of change... and know that change isn't always for the worst.

And the thing is, I wasn't able to make an effort, to keep on trying. It just happened as the situation changed. Don't put pressure on yourself, don't "try" to fix things. Just try to let it go, all the stress and pain. When you feel it, breath, try to distract yourself. If it doesn't work, it's not your fault. Sometimes it will work.

I do think your father sounds like a remarkable man. He must have passed on that empathy and love to others of his offspring. Give it time, and don't dwell on the future. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.