[cjs2019oneida]

Was diagnosed sza a few years ago and my life has been a total disaster. I started acting out at a young age in a bipolar kinda way... Been in and out of the psych ward every year of my life since i was 5. When i was 18 i started smoking weed and became very reliant on it. Became more and more paranoid. Tried every med.. Risperdal worked pretty well but made me too socially anxious so i just would isolate with milder severity of symptoms but needed the anxiety to lessen to start socializing better and work. Got into drinking, klonopins... And have a long legal record with two warrants for theft in Ohio.. Went to county and got emergency released and left the state because jail was unbareable i was so paranoid i couldn't break out of constant panic attacks. Now im in another state living in an apartment with 2 friends. But am so out of it all the time. I dont hallucinate but have way too many delusional paranoid thoughts they are driving me crazy. I have a job i start on the 12th and ged test on the 19th but i dont know if i will be able to concentrate for the test and think i might be too paranoid to work anywhere the way things are going i have to fake like everything is all good but cant concentrate on a movie if my life depended on it. Phone is off... No money for food.. No transportation. No friends just 2 room mates i met off line... I dont know if i can count on myself to be able to perform my job and pass this test!! All i have going for me... Have no medical insurance. Im thinking should i just go get myself hospitalized until i get stable on a medication and apply for disability while im in there if things get worse? Idk what to do... I have googled ways to commit suicide for the past 7 years now lol i am nutssss! What are some things an experience mental health sufferer would u recommend or would u do in a crazy situation like this

[DePressMe]

cjs, you have described my life. Currently I'm living with my parents. I can barely leave the house and I'm in the middle of applying for disability. I've tried a zillion meds too--right now I'm on 2 antipsychotics and 2 mood stabilizers--they are helping but I wish they could help me more. I have an online part time job that is a life savior for me--gives me enough money for meds and food. The only reason I can keep it is because of flexible hours and I don't have to leave my house or talk to anyone. When I became suicidal I had to go to the hospital...no matter what--don't give up--keep doing whatever you can do to make it through the day.....you do matter.....D.