[dillpickle1983]

So as the title says the fight is getting hard. I haven't been hospitalized in 13 months. However I feel myself slipping again. I am so depressed and lonely. I work for a supported work company that is understanding of mental health needs, it's owned by a mental health organization anyways. Other people call off for various reasons either because they are sick or whatever. However I can't bring myself to call off. I am getting sick. I think I took more on than was healthy. I quickly was promoted to crew leader. A responsibility that is tough. I clean office buildings.

Anyways I am on so many meds now. Some for medical and some for mental health. 800mg of seroquel, 300 of wellbutrin 100 of lamictal. I've been sick physically for the last 3 weeks, so now I'm on an antibiotic and steroid to try to ward off this horride respiratory illness.

I used to be DXed as Bipolar, but with my hallucinations I was re diagnosed as schizoaffective. As I get more and more depressed and lonely my hallucinations are getting more and more frequent. I just started getting auditory hallucinations, I've been seeing visual stuff for a while. I am getting sick of them. It's totally interfereing with my life. One of the locations I clean my Doctor works at. She saw me and pulled me in the office. I had seen her PA the previous day and Kelly the PA was so concerned about me she phoned the doctor as soon as I walked out of the medcheck.

So anyways the doctor pulled me in and said she was very concerned with me. She hinted at getting a higher level of care regarding the Crisis Residential Unit or heading to the hospital for a few days. But anytime I end up taking that step, it's not a few days, it's a few weeks.

I'm scared.

I've been fighting this whole mental health thing for years. Look at my other posts around PC. I've tried so hard to stay stable. Taking my meds everyday. Haven't missed a day so far. But now it seems my meds aren't helping. I'm really over taking these poisons that aren't helping. They are POISON. I can only imagine what the seroquel is doing to my liver. I'm sure it will be sirroded in a very short period of time. Why am I on a anti-convulsant. I don't have seizures. And wellbutrin just puts a pep in my step, that is about it. So now these voices are telling me not to take my meds, they are telling me they are poison, and I tend to think they are right.

I mean do research, none of the doctors or anybody know why meds work and why they don't. There is no clear cut cocktail for everybody.

Anyways I'm wondering when fighting is worthless. I might as well give up. That's how I feel. I just want to throw in the towel, and wave my white flag and let whatever it is consume me.

Sorry for my rant.

[avlady]

Dillpickle1983 Welcome!!! Please stay on your meds even if you have to change them. you probably should take a less stressfull job, less hours as it sounds like you need time off to get your head together, maybe it's not your niche. I fought for 30 years about taking meds, but the alternative to that in my mind was drinking alcholol, of which i found years after drinking that i was no better off than if i took the meds. We are all gunea pigs thats true, but for me i am doing alot better after being as stable as i can get i think, and am happy i'm on the meds. I'm sorry your ill pshyscially, maybe that is another reason you feel you can't handle the job. I say take a few days off and see how you feel after you get better. but keep taking your meds too. Hopefully you'll be fine in a few days!!!

[brackenbeard]

dill, i applaud you for your steadfastness with wanting to work. it truly is admirable to hear another person with schizoaffective trying to maintain work, while being ill. But I have to say with these illnesses you have to take care of yourself when it comes to it, and its whatever you require to get back at a level of good stability that needs to be done. don't put off your mental health because of the job, and dont put off asking for help either. get what you need, and do it with courage, because you can get the help you need to be back at work better than ever, but sometimes we require a break. Get help if you need it, and dont be afraid of the hospital. I dislike it too, but in the grand scheme of things what is 1 week, or 3 weeks of your life, in return for being back and stable again ready to meet life. we have our ups and downs, it's inevitable i think, but we've got to get help, because what we're after is a long life of prosperity. got to do what we got to do

[sweetmadness]

Hospitals won't take me because I'm not "sick enough" even though I'm also labelled schizoaffective. I've tried about 5 times in the past two years to hospitalize myself, and they won't take me inpatient. I also live in the worst county for mental health. The hospitals are crap. I went across the border and they still wouldn't take me in. I told them about my problems with substance abuse, and they said that I wasn't sick enough, and I burst out crying. Then I drove home embarrassed for even trying to get help. Hospitals aren't the same, I guess, as they used to be. I'd be embarrassed at this point to go into one. But that's just me. I haven't been in a hospital since I was seventeen years old. The intake assessment person told me that was a good thing and I should be proud of this. I guess to them I should be ashamed of needing care, or I should just snap out of it.

All I would have to say is that I'm suicidal and everything would change. It's all based around immediate dangers and threats, not keeping someone stable or maintaining wellbeing. That's why to me, it's a waste of time to even consider going to a hospital unless you absolutely need it or are in a more improved county with better benefits. Yeah.