[Reality_Perfection]

Last year in November, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. I seemed to make sense at the time, but now I'm starting to wonder.. I have been on several meds, but I just recently got off of them. I'm now only on Zoloft, Trazadone, Wellbutrin, Adderall, and Vyvanse. I felt better at first when I got off my mood stabilizer and antipsychotic, but I dealt with lots of insomnia for about 7 weeks. Now I have a hard time going to sleep even though I've taken my Trazadone. I usually can't fall asleep till about 4am or so. I then sleep for about 7-8 sometimes more hours.

I have been very irritable lately, although I've always been an irritable person from age 3 or so. I have done things that I am not proud of and I will not post them. My old self would have never done these things before and it is so uncharacteristic of me. I did these things when I was still on all of my meds too.

Since then, I have started feeling very weird. I am confused all day and every day and my head feels foggy and disconnected from my body. I don't get normal conversations between me and my fiance most of the time even though I used to. Sometimes it sounds like people are far away even though I'm standing right next to them. I have lost most if not all emotion and no longer care about other people. I can't relate to them and I find myself wanting to be away from people and in my room. I'm not depressed either. For the past year, I have had little socialization with friends (I only have about 3 friends and 1 I talk to regularly). I don't want to hang out or talk to them. Sometimes my fiance's parents want to hug me, and most of the time they hug me without saying anything and I hate that. It makes me angry and irritable and I just want to yell at them to get away.

I've lost all motivation and interest in things that I used to love. I don't care for much anymore either. I do not take care of myself as much as I used to and rarely take showers and wash my hair. I just don't care anymore. I barely go outside. I usually just go outside to smoke or occasionally go a few places with my fiance. I have become very self-concious and feel like people are staring at me and talking about me. I'm in college, yet I've only gone to a few classes since classes started about a month and a half ago. I haven't gone in 4 weeks. I don't want to go. I don't want to drive. I've lost my license because I didn't pay a fine for a ticket and I don't even feel like getting it back. I do study and read and go to class to take a test, but that's it.

I feel like I've lost myself. I look at old pictures of me and I look better and happier. Although, for me happiness was only excitement ever since I was a child. I don't feel anything anymore. Occasionally, at night I start feeling really weird and then I can't feel my body and I don't move a whole lot. I don't want to move and it's almost like my body can't move. Then I start talking about weird stuff and just feel like I'm dead. Last night, my fiance was asking his mom if she wanted to go outside to smoke with him and I have no idea why, but I yelled 'mom'. What is happening to me? I feel so different! I remember being clear headed and felt bright, but now I'm always in a haze and confused and my memory sucks so bad. That is completely new to me! I hate this! Does any of this make sense? What do I need to do? I don't want to be stuck like this. I'm also going to see my therapist this Friday, so maybe that will help.

I'm sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get it all out because I don't know what to do anymore!

[gayleggg]

I would suggest a long talk with your doctor. You sound really depressed. You may need a med change. Take care and wishing you well.

[avlady]

Yes, talk to your doc it sounds like you need a med change or addition. You are not alone, after an accident where i was hit by a van i got so depressed i stayed in bed for over 2 years, couldn't shower or take care of myself, and finally ended up in the hospital. Thank God my parents drove me there as i was spazzing the whole way there. I got on meds and had several different trials of meds and finally after years of trial and error found the ones best for my condition. Lots of Luck

[brackenbeard]

thanks for sharing

i hope you can find help. you seem intelligent, and I can sense you're going through a period of "what the **** is up? i used to be that... what's going on now...." maybe with a little help you can clear up some of your confusion.

if you're asking the question whether this forum sub-thread is a place for which you belong, as a person with schizoaffective that's not something we can answer or really speculate on.

you need to pump some air back in those tires. it's a tricky deal this life, but you got to get chuggin a long between those two white lines.