[sandersdillion948]

I am sick of being sick. I am to the point I don't want people to bother me anymore, I've fought with a few friends and kicked people out of my life. I don't want to be around my father or his side of the family at ALL. They are rude and mean to me. I guess I just don't care anymore, I got sick of caring. I feel free and want to pack up my car and drive away with my rabbit and my dog and not tell a (*&#%# soul where I am, Let them all wonder what happen to me, I am not the problem, my brain is the problem. I have tried everything, the only thing that worked was zyprexa and that kicked out on me, now I am trying Latuda and Wellbutrin, I have been on it for 5 days and I feel nothing but VOID and I am getting very unempathetic. I am doing all I can do to manage part time school two classes and am struggling to stay a-float. All I want to do is lay on the couch, my eyes burn I am so exhausted. My mind won't slow down and all i do is MICRO ANALYZE everything, I have class in an hour, and the professor is a real dink, I am just going to keep my mouth shut, because last time I was nutzo i couldn't stop laughing in the middle of a lecture. Do you know what that made me look like? But the voices in my head wouldn't stop cracking jokes about the professor, he was such a dweeb, so monotone, like a robot. I left the class and went to the ER and told them to put me in the hospital before I hurt myself or hurt someone else. I thought about ECT as a last resort. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Why does life have to be so long? Why does god play this cruel trick on me? He is the one with mental illness, he can burn in hell with the rest of them.

[Secretum]

I know what it is like to be sick of life and to overanalyze things. It sucks! I really hope you can find some peace soon. Are you depressed? You sound like you might be. Remember that depression can tint your thoughts darker, and make things seem bleak and hopeless when really there is hope.

I know that you're really angry at God right now; again, I've been there myself and I understand why you feel that way. My only advice is to try to see your illness as a challenge to be overcome instead of something that hopelessly dooms you. This is really hard, and I still struggle with it even though I haven't been depressed in awhile. I'd imagine that it would be just about impossible to do while depressed, so try to get your mood a little higher by continuing to take your new meds.

What dose of zyprexa were you on when you went off it? It is possible that you just needed a higher dose. I had a relapse while on zyprexa last December, and my pdoc increased the dose and my symptoms were manageable once again.

Please remember: there is hope! And you are a valuable, wonderful part of the world, in both sickness and health.

[sandersdillion948]

I think depression is an under statement, I just got home from class, relieved to find out my exam is not next week, but dry coughing like I want to throw up but have nothing in my stomach. I have to somehow cram 350 calories down my throat so I can take this Latuda, but I am not hungry, i have barley eaten anything in a week. I was on 15mg Zyprexa, which took the edge off, but made me gain 30lbs, I have always been skinny and desirable, I look in the mirror at my belly and want to cry, the sob in my head makes comments out of the blue once in a while and it has been a while since I was HARASSED by numerous people talking at once, calling me names, saying things like KILLYOURSELF YOU ARE WORTHLESS, etc then them talking to each-other about me as if i cannot hear them? I chase them around my head with my eyes, left right left right, but they tell me this is a delusion, i don't think so. I was school shooter crazy, grew up lower middle class, alcoholic father, was abused sexually by numerous men, yet I still do PRETEND that it is all ok. I smile, i am polite and nice, i act like I am not sick, sometimes when people meet me they are shocked to find out I am schizoaffective, they think I am ok, but they never asked what was in my mind. At this point I am afraid to tell people what goes on in my head. How long is this medication suppose to take to work? I dont like these thoughts and my mood is really angry and depressed.

[Marshellette]

I'm not suicidal but if I conveniently, painlessly died in my sleep that would be cool.

[worthit]

My very few friends who I have told I'm Schizoaffective don't believe me and are in shock. They just don't know what goes on in the mind.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[sandersdillion948]

Well, I feel much better today, Not wonderful, but not on the borderline of violent thinking, just a few intrusive thoughts here and there which are causing me some anxiety.. I ended up missing my class this morning, but it is the first time all semester, last night I slept for a full 12 hours and I did not wake up with violent nightmares or disoriented. I did not have any people or voices talking when I was trying to sleep and today I have a bit of energy and am cleaning my apartment. I am also feeling a little paranoid but nothing like the past few days. I am trying to stay away from the ativan, Between that, Ritalin and coffee, i think i am perpetuating the problem.

[Secretum]

I'm glad that you're doing better. A lot of horrible things have happened to you. I can't even imagine going through all of that. You're an incredibly strong person! I fully believe that everything that happened to you happened for a reason, to turn you into the person you are today. There is something that you, and only you, can give to the world.

Please continue to post if things get bad again, or if you just need to talk.

[sandersdillion948]

Thanks! Today I feel ok, though I feel really sick, like I want to throw up, my forehead feels heavy, like an oncoming headache. I was told by someone it is the wellburtin. It is suppose to go away within a few weeks, i hope. I know it is working because I have not been smoking cigarettes. Well, hardly anyway. I take two puffs and stub it out, it taste so gross and smells so bad. in the past 3 days I have gone thru 2 ciggs and hardly crave it, I am just so use to doing it. I am trying to catch up on my homework today, it feels like I have the flu. I hope all this $hit works, I have been living on crackers in the morning and afternoon and force feeding myself in the evening to take the Latuda. I'm guess when I am healthy again I will have my appetite back, but as of now, I want to lose 15 lbs.