[HighDemands]

Hi everyone
I am hoping you can help me with understanding what's going on with me.I'd really appreciate your taking the time to read all of this.

Is this common with DID or does this seem more like Bipolar:
-Impulsive laughing without a specific cause.
-Impulsive and unconscious talking to yourself.
-Episodes of being selectively mute, silent sadness, chronic feelings of emptiness and worthlessness, suicidal tendencies, chronic apathy, and major depressive symptoms that last for months.
-Followed by episodes of hyper-activity, and taking a sudden interest in life, obsessiveness about taking care of yourself and extreme elevated moods.
-Crashing down with excessive anger, arguing for no reason and not ceasing the arguments even when the other side has retreated, horrible temper, extreme mood swings, destructive thoughts, hating everyone even children, huge distrust of others, and very high irritability.
-Being deeply indulged in one activity then completely abandoning it, and then returning to it again and so on.
-Social withdrawal. I only have one friend and I don't even own a cell phone.
-Selective mutism.
-Avoiding eye contact.
-Episodes of extreme self-loathing, then self-indulgence.
-Spacing out and feeling blank most of the time.
-Spending excessive time twisting hair strands while thinking about nothing.
-Having trouble speaking clearly.
-Voice changes a lot. In tone and pitch.
-Mega-delayed reactions. Episodes of being immune to anger or provocation and then being highly provoked.
-Having a very hard time in remembering childhood, and even then it feels like it was someone else.
-Taking care of yourself too much then not taking care of yourself at all. Even in public.
-Thinking that most people hate you or dislike you and imaging that they are laughing at you.
-Feeling like you don't belong or that your body is not yours.
-Feeling like something else, a spirit or entity is inhabiting and controlling your body and not you.
-Wandering in the streets for no reason. Finding yourself in place you didn't intend to go to.
-Under major stress suffers a mental break down, and starts hallucinating and saying things that don't make any sense. Also horrible panic attacks and screaming whilst choking and strangling yourself with a thin cable wire.
-Feeling like you're trapped and losing track of time.
-Taste in music drastically changes, I'll be listening to rock music for e.g. for a whole day then can't stop myself from trying to break the speakers if the same songs were on.
-Things are either VERY BAD or VERY GOOD, there's no in between.
-Weird gestures that are impulsive, and uncontrollable.
-Intimacy, abandonment and trust issues. It's impossible for me to get close to someone. I avoid romantic relationships at all costs, they are not my thing. I can't find a reason for this. But I haven't been in a relationship for all my life and still don't feel the need for one.
-Hate loud sounds and noise, bright lights and crowds.
-Still waters run deep, is always true in my case, I am most definitely *not* what I appear to be.
-And to be completely blunt, I have very hypocritical tendencies, some even misanthropic.

I don't know if I should add this but I have several different accounts on a certain website- it's a religious one- each of these accounts portray very different personalities, in fact they are polar opposites, one is a 'sweet, angel, that calls for love and forgiveness' the other is a very dark, and twisted one that likes to argue just for the sake of arguing and always has to be right. Now, I didn't think this was weird I thought that these were both a part of me and I wasn't even aware that they are different people until someone pointed out how different they are. I do not do this for fun, it's compulsive and involuntary. This was back in 2010, they see completely alien to me right now and I can't even fathom how I wrote all the stuff that I posted there. It's not bad or anything, it's just not me, I wouldn't express myself that way.

Again, on the outside I'm an extremely quiet,passive, reserved person and have a very polite and cordial exterior, though, ultimately my relationships are very superficial and do my best to not get emotionally involved with people whether romantically or in a platonic sense. I realize as I am re-reading this that I'm very, very messed up. Yikes!

These episodes occur periodically and may last for months to years.


My sister has bipolar type one. So maybe it's hereditary. But I thought I might ask this to get an opinion since I'm still kind of new to this and I always thought I was pretty normal until what recently happened made me rethink my current state. Thanks for taking the time and care to read all this, I really appreciate it.

Last note; I do *not* see or hear things that are not there. I do hear voices but they are inside my head, like racing thoughts.

Finally,thank you for reading this. I have to admit that it's really embarrassing disclosing all this about yourself, I have never been so open about myself, before it's hard to accept that you might have something going on but I guess it's for the best. Thanks again.

*******My parents do not believe that there's anything wrong with me, so please before you tell me to go to a therapist; I can't go without their consent so please put this into consideration.*****

update:Yesterday evening I experienced the most bizarre hyper-mania ever,and it was freaky. So, I had this horrible headache,weakness and fatigue but for I couldn't stay still so I had to circle listlessly around our tea table for nearly half an hour,before I sat down on the floor laughing and crying at the same time. I couldn't stop myself and I started talking to myself in a very satirical manner. It's really sad. Applying this to your question about distinguishing reality, well to me,that is reality. I really can't distinguish anymore and I feel like I have lost a key cognitive function in my brain, I lack insight or perception, that thing that makes you actually think about your actions is nearly gone now. And I have this chronic apathy, maybe apathy is not the right word but more like an inherent inability or disability in genuinely feeling emotions, I can express them fine but I don't feel them. I also display inappropriate emotions many times, like when something is really serious I chuckle or even burst out laughing which makes people angry. And when I am yelled at I grin and I smile for no reason. They aren't genuine because I don't feel anything related to joy or happiness, it just happens. It's really embarrassing, because sometimes I find myself laughing in public...

Continuing what happened later that night, well...I couldn't sleep and literally went 'crazy', I acted like a sugar-induced hyperactive five-year-old. I couldn't stop talking and joking and jumping, and doing all sorts of unreasonable things and then I had a very bad mood and went to bed upset. Maybe this should be added to give a better picture, there are days when my brain feels like it's on fire, it's not a headache per say but more like this burning feeling like it's being fried. And I have horrible screaming fits, but not because of the pain, I don't feel pain,I just feel like screaming and I scream until my veins get enlarged and hit myself hard, actually choking and strangling are the only ways that seem to calm me down. But because this is extremely dangerous,what I do is tie a thin rope on my arms or legs until the pulses are gone. Sometimes using tape makes it better.
There was a slight chance that all this might be DID so I posted on another web,if you have the time please check it out and see if it's relevant:
Can dissociative identity disorder be caused without trauma-psychforums.

Sorry for troubling you with all of this, this is honestly my only resort, I am very grateful for your opinions and insight. Thanks a million .

[Travelinglady]

Hi! It does sound like there might be some bipolar in there, but I think some other things are going on, too.

Have you taken this "sanity test"? It might give you some insights. http://www.sanityscore.com/.

[worthit]

I suggest taking a printout of everything you've written here, to a pdoc. Good luck.