Just some thoughts

So i grew up with a brother who has schizo-affective disorder. I recently got diagnosed it too. Well my brother when he hit a certain age, he started doing wierd things such as trying to fix a computer by typing "a;ksdjf;alksdjf;alksdjf;alskdjf;asl" everywhere including in the properties of programs.

I had a psychotic episode before when i was working my first job at around the age of 19 ish. I was dealing with lots of stress, had no friends, no real family support and no counseling. I had this very intense fear of having a mental illness. I didn't want to expierence what my brother did and end up not caring about life like he (use to at the time). Well while working I didn't exactly have any real symptoms of psychosis. I was highly emotional from time to time and was dealing with some past expierences i didn't know how to properly deal with. I also was dealing with lots of social problems, some legal issues and work related issues. All these issues eventually got to my household and my family was basically treating me the same way as the outside world. So i resorted to venting on the internet which resulted in the same effect as anywhere else. So basically everywhere i went i had to deal with the same stress no matter what i said how i said it or where i said it.

Eventually i just cracked, it felt like someone was literally trying to pull my brain out of my skull. I felt like glass, everyone could see through me and know everything about me everywhere i went. I started to get delusional and psychotic. Everywhere i went even total strangers if someone looked at me in a certain way i instantly thought they wer out to get me and plotting against me and looked at me as a crazy person. I started to think the radio was talking about me and thesame with television and all forms of media. Music, internet articles and even every single facebook post. If i read something i believed it was about me in some way shape or form even if it was completely unrelated my brain found a way to relate it. Eventually I cut myself off from everything and just started drawing. When helicopters went over my house (i live near an air base) i thought it was because they were looking for me. When the radio played certain songs on the radio, i thought they were trying to control me and make me do things. I never once hallucinated, everything i heard/saw/smelled/tasted was real i just distorted the nature of things. I stopped eating and drinking and lost alot of weight due to the stress (i had to literally FORCE myself to eat because i knew how unhealthy and dangerous it was). I started to uncontrollably laugh and cry, sometimes both at the same time. It didn't matter the setting even the slightest thing caused it to happen. I really really liked a girl and i remember at this current time I turned real stalkerish (i thought it was the only way to relieve all the pain). I would constantly look at her facebook photos and the changes of her profile picture and depending on how she changed her photos was how i analyzed life and such. It was really wierd and i highly regret doing it and so on and so forth. Eventually i would get convicted of harrassment because i would send her tons of messages in response to her photo changes (thinking i was causing harm and tormenting her in real life). I remember thinking that it was 100% my fault everytime she put up a photo where it showed stress and one time i thought i ruined her life and i felt the pain and suffering emotions of doing such a crime. I remember walking out of my home completely straught, crying constantly with my eyes wide open walking in a wierd way and barely able to function properly. Also i had the delusion i was a creative genius too.

Well prior to this incident I have never in my life expierenced anything like this. Not even a single symptom (that i know of). After this incident, i get relapses from time to time but they are all the same stuff and related to this incident.

When i research my diagnosed illness, i indeed expierenced everything my illness says. But the kicker is, when i read stories and life expierences of other people who are schizo-affective I never feel that feeling that i can truley relate or understand what that person went through, same goes with bipolar.

This incident happened in 2009, and just recently i got over the delusion of being a creative genius. I have to constantly talk about everything that happened everytime i think about it or else the stress will just eat at me. I have never had any other psychotic traits since.

I tell my doctors and psychiatrists but they are either too fixated on my symptoms from the past or they just don't know me enough yet and are new.

What are your opinions?

I think maybe people can be very different in how their symptoms present. What is important are your symptoms. I certainly can't diagnose you. Have you ever kept a mood log or journal to record day to day what is going on with you. I have a good psychiatrist and he actually takes the time to read mine. It gives him a much truer picture than what I can remember and tell him. Plus I minimize things when in his office.

I would think it would make a big difference on how you have been since that first incident. Like if things were worse they may want you on meds. If things have been better you may not need meds.

Hopefully others will respond who have more direct experience.

Im on 4 different meds right now and melatonin. All at high dosages. I am not asking to be diagnosed simply wondering if anyone else with the illness have expierenced the same kind of stuff.

I always wondered if it was just a psychotic episode i came across due to stress levels. I remember reading somewhere you can get PTSD from psychotic episodes. I try to bring this up to psychiatrists but I have never really told a single psychiatrist the entire story. So I'm basically debating if I should bring it up. Simply because when i talk/mention/type this kind of detail to someone i kinda start to relive my emotions towards it.

I have experienced pretty much all the things you described - thinking that the television and radio were talking directly towards me, thinking that everything was in some way related to me, believing that I was the sole cause of someone's distress. Right now I'm dealing with that last problem, even though I'm on medication, because it very well may be true. I'm scared that I've made somebody hate his own name, thus ruining his life.

It sounds like you have a thought disorder and schizoaffective disorder is a thought disorder. I think there are probably varying degrees of the severity of the disorder, and you may be at the low spectrum (I've experienced delusions of poisoning and persecution before). Tell me what symptoms you can't relate to, and I can probably help you more.

I have never had a period of time where i didn't get proper sleep. But i do have trouble falling asleep. I was always able to coherently express myself even when i was psychotic. (although i couldn't talk coherently, but i could type and write just fine). I never really had the problem of missreading peoples body language and vibes as being insulting and i never really intentionally insult someone without realizing im at wrong. (my parents tell me that my brother does these things due to his disorder). I also havn't expiernced brain deteriation, I only just cripple myself with stress to the point my mind races and my ability to functiogets worse. Later on after i deal with my emotions my brain activity returns to normal.

I would talk to your doctor about there maybe being different levels of severity of this illness. What kinds of things are you not able to relate to? I know how important it is to be able to relate to others going through similar things, rather than just a cold diagnosis.

Whenever i hear/read people describe schizo-affective and their life. They usually have had the symptoms for a good portion of their life and think its normal. Then (at around the same age as my breakout) the symptoms get worse and controlling. My childhood i never really had these issues.

I also at the time of this incident was dealing with some pretty serious stressors. The main reason i question it is because i was thrown into the mental health system unwillingly due to court order. I felt my diagnosis was alittle unfair and bias.

But now i have a brand new psychiatrist that has no bias towards me and this is the perfect time to bring it up. I had a psychiatrist tell me before that questioning your illness is a good thing, he also said no matter what i tell him or how i say it i won't be able to change his opinion of me simply because of my past history with him. He reccomended to wait until im stable and doing well and then find a new psychiatrist who knows nothing about me and question the illness with that person.

I was also told that illnesses like this never go away. THey also said that even medication won't remove my symptoms it will just make them manageable. So the fact the symptoms are fading me is making me curious if something else might be going on.

I read that you weren't looking for a diagnosis, after I'd posted, so I'm sorry if my posts have been headed in that direction.

I've been told the same thing by my doctor; although, I know that he can't see into the future.

I didn't have that sort of psychotic episode until I was 37 yrs. old and I do believe that stress contributed to it. During my episode, though, I thought I was being poisoned.I'm 45 now and I haven't had another episode like that since, thanks to meds. Lately I have been paranoid though, and my doctor had to double my anti-psychotic. I'm doing fine now (as fine as I can be).

I wish you luck with your own personal journey of self-discovery and finding people that you can relate to and connect with, no matter what the diagnosis.

ahh man i got it at 19 XD

What's XD? I was first diagnosed with a mental illness when I was 19 - borderline personality disorder and major depression, which at 25 changed to bipolar, then later schizoaffective. What's next, I wonder? Well, the best I can do is live one day at a time and strive to be the best person I can be in spite of my illness. I

Oh sorry XD is just a face with crossing eyes and nothing more. I also follow the same attitude.