[Zazo]

Hi. One year ago I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of psychosis (6 months later found to be scizo affective disorder). Now I'm perfectly healthy with no more symptoms, but there is one thing still bothering me. About one month before admission I had an experience that no one has explained to me yet, and that I can't explain myself. Here it is:

I was lying in bed late one night after a weekend playing piano at a Christian youth-meeting. I have to point out though, I am not a Christian myself. Throughout the last evening of this weekend I got a sense that something wanted to enter into me, and I remember thinking "not yet". Then, later that night as I was lying in bed, I thought "okay, now is the time". So without really knowing what I was doing, I counted backwards from 10, before I whispered into the air: "come in, welcome in". At his point I felt sort of an energy flowing through my whole body, starting from my heart, and flowing especially strong from my elbows and into my fingertips. I also felt like a hand was holding me in my bed, and I mean carrying my whole body. Also, I saw a small bright, white light in the right corner of my sight. Everything whilst having my eyes closed. No voices or anything, just these feelings. Then, after having felt this for a while, I fell asleep.

Note that it was a good experience, and that my heart kind of felt lighter somehow afterwords. But now it's become an annoying obsession of what it actually was. None of the doctors I've met with has said anything about it being a symptom for my illness.

So, I was hoping to get some help here to understand or get some suggestions. Here's my thoughts:

1) A symptom, some sort of hallucination.
2) A spirit entering my body, either good or evil.

That's all I can think of. And it's really starting to piss me off that I haven't figured it out yet. Of course, it could be some sort of god giving me a supernatural experience to easier believe in a god, but I just don't. I'm an atheist, and it took me a long time to "become" an atheist, so I almost deny the possibility of the experience being anything god-related.

Well, that's it. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

[jelly-bean]

I could tell you what I think it was but, since you are an atheist, I doubt that you would believe or accept what I would say. I believe that if you keep searching for the answer it will come to you though.

I've had all kinds of experiences that to this day I don't know if they were hallucinations and delusions or spiritual/supernatural experiences. It will be great to see what kind of feedback you get as I am still searching for answers myself.

[Zazo]

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

I could tell you what I think it was but, since you are an atheist, I doubt that you would believe or accept what I would say. I believe that if you keep searching for the answer it will come to you though.

By all means, post your thoughts. It's not certain Ill be an atheist forever. I really do hope Ill find some answers, as you say I will, becsuse it is starting to annoy me a bit.

I can say that if I were to think in the supernatural direction, this is what I have in mind:

I play the piano, and as the energy was flowing especially strong through my arms, I figured it might be gods way of telling me to pursue pianoplaying somehow. And I've also thought that it was the hand of god carrying me, but I'm more of a sceptic in that area. Bottom line, I'm kind of scared it will torment me somehow, and I'm not eager to pursue pianoplaying much further to be honest.

Thehours: can you explain some of the experiences? Doesn't they bother you? Hope you find answers!

[worthit]

I was raised as an atheist. But in the 90's had this nagging in my left ear that I felt was God. So I said, " I know, not now." Then a couple of years later, became a Christian. I believe it was God.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/schiz...-stand-up.html

The link is an explanation of just one of my experiences.

One time was giving a friend an oracle card reading, and I could see and feel my friends dead mother. It was an experience like many mediums describe when they channel deceased loved ones. I was busy giving her the reading when in my mind's eye her mother came through. I could feel the energy of her mother's love for her and I could "feel" the message she had for my friend. I believe this came through me by way of clairsentience and clairvoyance. Or at least I believed that at the time. It was unlike any experience I've ever had. The energy of love that I felt. It started at my heart and seemed to radiate throughout my body. I guess in a way her mother had "taken over" because she was all that I had focused on. When I "came to" my friend was crying from the message I had relayed.

I used to believe in the Native American concept of animal totems and would work with the energy of different animals. I used to be really connected to lion spirit energy. One day during contemplation I felt myself merge with what I believed was my lion spirit animal. It was like she came into my heart and imbued me with her essence and energy of courage. It was like I could feel her personality. The feeling was unreal and I've never felt anything like it to this day. The feeling of being so self assured. I guess that's why they are the queens of the jungle.

One time, years ago, when I was sitting alone in my living room I felt a random cool breeze on the beck of neck (no windows were open and no fans were on). I smelled cigarettes (at the time no one smoked in the house) and I distinctly heard someone call my name. I believed it was my deceased mother trying to get through to me.

I've had experiences where I could see a mist or lights that no one could see but animals. I would look over and see the animal chasing after the lights that I could see, or I would see the animal staring at the same corner I was staring at. The animal was usually a pet cat or dog.

I used to engage in spellwork when I practiced paganism/Wicca. Most of the time I got the results that I was seeking. Was I just acting in line with a delusion/hallucination? To this day I am not sure, but the spells seemed to work. Law of attraction type deal maybe.

One time I was lying in bed and I had all of the lights turned out. I only had one chakra candle lit. I was gazing at the flame when I heard my name called. Then I saw what looked like flickers of a bluish white energy dancing around the flame. I felt serenity and like the energy that called my name was alive and in the room with me. I felt like it wanted to enter my heart chakra to show me peace. I allowed the energy to enter by mentally giving it permission. I did feel a feeling of joy and started to cry.

One time I gave my "guides" permission to read my thoughts. And sure enough whenever I had a question and would mentally ask for help I seemed to get that help. For instance one time I couldn't decide between two men who to date. I mentally asked for help from my "guides." Sure enough everywhere I went the letter R appeared everywhere. I was walking home from work an there was a random R on the ground. I'd hear it in conversation and get other "signs." Sure enough when I started to date the man with the R name the instances stopped. Or maybe I was just delusional and hallucinating. I'm not entirely sure.

Then there were the little things. Thinking of someone and they would call. Thinking of something and someone would say it. Those types of instances I can't explain. That gets into the theory that we all have a sixth sense which I'm not sure I believe anymore since being diagnosed.

Those are just a few experiences off the top of my head. The experience is the link was the only one that truly bothered me at the time. It was rather scary. The other experiences were welcome and rather expected so they didn't bother me at the time. What bothers me the most is that I don't really know what to make of all the experiences I've had anymore. I used to believe in them and live my life by them. Now, it may not have been at all real.

[Zazo]

That's quite the range of different experiences you've had. Does it bother you somehow that you don't know or truly believe what they can be? That's at least my worst fear, being trapped in he unknown.

Interesting to read about your mothers friend, kind of a similar experience of mine, with the energy flowing through your body and starting from your heart. Also kind of scary though, being in contact with the dead.

One thin that almost certainly must be true for my own experience is that I invited someone or something into m body because they or that sort of knocked on my door during the evening. It just seems too weird if it was to be a hallucination, wouldn't the doctors had explained it to me yet then? I also asked an uncle of mine, who is a psychologist. He mentioned something about it being trancendental somehow, and that thoughts can trigger feelings. But not any definite answer to how it could be related of my disorder.

Interesting about the nagging worthit, did you hear anything as it was in your ear or was it simply this nagging? Has you becoming a Christian affected your life for better or worse? Did you get a calling with this nagging?

[worthit]

I said I was raised atheist, but we're native American. So my first religion was animism. The belief all nature has something to teach me. When I met my husband to be, at the age of 14 1/2 , (no hanky panky) he said, "she was talking to trees".

Yeah, those were experiences that have occurred over the last 10 years or so. I used to depend on them and expected to have such experiences. It does bother me that I don't know or truly believe what they can be. I wish I could put into words how shattered I was when I realized it may have all been due to some sort of psychotic break with reality. Was it all just one long psychotic episode or could it have been supernatural? I really don't know. It still really bothers me that I don't know. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm in a strange limbo state where, like a balloon, reality could pop at any moment. It took me a long time to even get to the place of feeling stuck. The process of knowing what was real and what wasn't took a long time, and I'm still not always so sure. In a nutshell though, yes it bothers me that I really just don't know if was real or not. Even though it seemed so concrete at the time and no one can really tell me if it was real.

You know it was kind of comforting being in contact with the dead. If that was indeed what it was. Kind of scary too now that I look back on it. But, it was also kind of comforting. I saw it as a bit of some kind of validation that we exist after death. I studied up a bit on ancestral work in the past, and it was comforting to think that I still had a connection with loved ones that transcended death.

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, I'm not sure that science as we know it can give me any definite answers. So, how do you cope knowing that the experience with the knocking was real? For me, my experiences have been so life altering...maybe I'm just too attached to them. I mean does it necessarily warrant any kind of change in how we do things just because we've had a supernatural experience?

[Zazo]

Originally Posted by Thehours

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, I'm not sure that science as we know it can give me any definite answers. So, how do you cope knowing that the experience with the knocking was real? For me, my experiences have been so life altering...maybe I'm just too attached to them. I mean does it necessarily warrant any kind of change in how we do things just because we've had a supernatural experience?

Well, I've only thought about it for about half a year now, but it's definetly not getting less attention in my mind. At one point I thought of my experience as some kind of a rescue, as if I would have done something terribly stupid if the experience didn't occur to me. For now I'm put in neutral, neither believing in it nor having a definite answer psychologically. As long as I'm occupied with something it doesn't bother me much, but then might time comes etc., and it's back in my mind.

If I were to believe it was the intervention of God, and not follow what I think it meant I think I would be quite miserable actually. It's like if its a calling to make it somehow as a musician, and I don't do that but still believe in god, everything else Inwoukd be doing seems meaningless. Or maybe I'm just putting too much into it, not sure.

[Olanza-what?]

it can be whatever you want it to be, it could be a hallucination, but remember you asked for it. When my head exploded on January 18th 2011. The pain was so horrible I started asking for Jesus. I suddenly saw a beautiful warm light (very inviting) but I could also still see everyone and other things around me, ie, buildings, cars etc. I felt my body moving close to this light, but those around me where holding me, trying to keep me from falling to the ground. I spoke to them telling them what I saw and they kept telling me to fight, to hold on, to think of my grandchildren, to stop talking to Jesus, that he was not ready for me yet. I haven't been the same since. I have always seen ghost, but now, I feel them, I hear them, both the good ones and bad ones. They call out my name. They sit on me in my sleep. I tell them to go away and they do for a while, sometimes for months, but they are always there. SO....I don't think it was a hallucination that you experienced, I think it was supernatural....but ask yourself this question? IF it was supernatural, where would you want to be? Who's side are you on. Remember, you get to choose. (please forgive misspelling).

[Zazo]

Well, somehow I want it to be supernatural, and I want it to be Jsus or god that "knocked on my door". I want to believe that it was some sort of a calling, and kind of a proof of the existence of a god. I don't want to pursue any more experiences though, I don't want to be in contact with the dead or anything, seems scary. But as much as I want to believe it to be "true", I'm also seriously sceptic about the "assignment" I seem to have gotten, which is to focus all my energy towards music and playing the piano. Or maybe I'm interpretating it wrong, who knows.

I'm leaning more and more towards this actually, as no one has told me the it was a hallucination or delusion of some kind, and I've asked doctors and psychologists about this. It's just that I think my self confidence in making it as a musician/pianist is quite low, I seriously don't believe it's gonna happen at all, maybe on a hobby-level, but never presidio ally. When ready, I can share some compositions with you here, although it will reveal my identity, but what harm can that be? Maybe I'll ask a moderator before doing anything like that.

Thanks for the replies so far though!

[Olanza-what?]

You should persue your gift. To have a talent that can persuade one's emotions, to sooth the soul and even lighten one's burdens is an awesome talent. The Bible is full of songs and music, one of God's favorite people (David) danced out of his clothes....music did that. I would love to be able to play, write and perform. My daughter is persuing her love in music as well, she's getting a late start, but better late than never. I encourage you to persue your heart's desire and I can't wait to hear your music. You can do anything but fail. by the way, she's looking for music to put words to.

I wish I could dance again, I like to write poetry, I try to paint and draw and of course, I love to sing, now if I could just be good at one of these.....

Again, you have an awesome gift/talent.

[Zazo]

Well, you haven't heard me yet, but thank you so much!

Of course, a part of me wants to do that, but I have no clue where to start or what type of career to pursue. I know it's gonna be hard though, so I hope in that case I can be tough enough to push through. I've thought about taking an education in music therapy actually, that way I can get in personal contact with those actually in need of music somehow.

But I might just start small, as it is fully possible to be a musician and work full time with something else to earn for living. As of now I've recently been recording some piano tracks in he studio, and they are to be published soon .

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Zazo

Well, you haven't heard me yet, but thank you so much!

Of course, a part of me wants to do that, but I have no clue where to start or what type of career to pursue. I know it's gonna be hard though, so I hope in that case I can be tough enough to push through. I've thought about taking an education in music therapy actually, that way I can get in personal contact with those actually in need of music somehow.

But I might just start small, as it is fully possible to be a musician and work full time with something else to earn for living. As of now I've recently been recording some piano tracks in he studio, and they are to be published soon .

Your going to be great! Embrace your gift. Again, I cant wait to hear your music. I can only imagine! I would be one of those that would benefit from music therapy. Music in my case, calms the savage beast.

Originally Posted by Zazo

Well, somehow I want it to be supernatural, and I want it to be Jsus or god that "knocked on my door". I want to believe that it was some sort of a calling, and kind of a proof of the existence of a god. I don't want to pursue any more experiences though, I don't want to be in contact with the dead or anything, seems scary. But as much as I want to believe it to be "true", I'm also seriously sceptic about the "assignment" I seem to have gotten, which is to focus all my energy towards music and playing the piano. Or maybe I'm interpretating it wrong, who knows.

I'm leaning more and more towards this actually, as no one has told me the it was a hallucination or delusion of some kind, and I've asked doctors and psychologists about this. It's just that I think my self confidence in making it as a musician/pianist is quite low, I seriously don't believe it's gonna happen at all, maybe on a hobby-level, but never presidio ally. When ready, I can share some compositions with you here, although it will reveal my identity, but what harm can that be? Maybe I'll ask a moderator before doing anything like that.

Thanks for the replies so far though!

The knocking at your door just reminded me of a song I used to sing in church when I attended Catholic school in my elementary years.

Somebody's Knocking at Your Door - Hymnary.org

[hexacoda]

You may find some interesting information by Googling "Shamanism psychosis". Apparently it's thought by many that modern schizophrenics may be experiencing what would've been considered a Shamanic crisis in tribes.

Joseph Campbell, a well respected scholar who studied comparative mythology and wrote books such as The Hero with a Thousand Faces, The Power of Myth, and Pathways to Bliss, wrote

'The shaman is the person, male or female, who ... has an overwhelming psychological experience that turns him totally inward. It's a kind of schizophrenic crack-up. The whole unconscious opens up, and the shaman falls into it. This shaman experience has been described many, many times. It occurs all the way from Siberia right through the Americas down to Tierra del Fuego.'

Personally I decided to avoid working with non-natural entities after having psychotic episodes, but I am still fascinated by the subject and mythology in general.

[hexacoda]

Here's another relevant quote from Joseph Campbell

The symbolic figures encountered are in many instances identical. But there is an important difference. The difference-to put it sharply-is equivalent simply to that between a diver who can swim and one who cannot. The mystic, endowed with native talents for this sort of thing and following, stage by stage, the instruction of a master, enters the waters and finds he can swim; whereas the schizophrenic, unprepared, unguided, and ungifted, has fallen or has intentionally plunged, and is drowning.

And here are links for those who are interested in Shamanism and psychosis
Spiritual Emergency
Medicine People, Shamanism and Psychosis: A Comparative Look | The Kaivalya Yoga Method | Alanna Kaivalya
LESSON 3.8 Shamanic Crisis

I know what you mean. I've been considering the implications of my experiences for the last couple of years and it still occupies a lot of my mind. I did think of my latest experience that I wrote about in my other thread as being "saved." However, I'm not so sure anymore. I go back and forth on that idea. I like to think that it was, but then again it could be all in my head. I wish I could be in a more neutral place though. It does occupy a lot of my mind. But I think that's because I'm searching for faith to guide my moral stance. However, I'm learning that I don't necessarily need that to color my moral stance. And yeah, it's on my mind especially at night when I have the most time to think before bed.

I don't know. I wish I had the answer for you. I often wonder if I'm putting too much into what I've experienced. It's been tough realizing that I don't necessarily need to believe in a higher power to be a good person. But I keep going back to it. I could tell you to follow your heart on what you believe it meant, but I know how difficult that an be when the head gets in the way.

[Zazo]

Thanks alot hexacoda! This brings brand new information to the table for me, I'll return and dive more into it later, just popping in now. But thanks! Anything leading me somewhere is truly appreciated!

Also thanks for sharing, Thehours . I gotta say though, the knocking on my door was purely metaphorical.

[hexacoda]

Originally Posted by Thehours

What bothers me the most is that I don't really know what to make of all the experiences I've had anymore. I used to believe in them and live my life by them. Now, it may not have been at all real.

Are you still spiritual and/or Pagan?

the answer is supernatural. I believe that all of us with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder what the fu ck ever psychosis.... our eyes are open to the spitural realm... the problem is people have fear. just because everyone who is "normal" cannot see or hear what we do does not make it insane. I dont know, everyone disregaurds me because I dont take medications.

[hexacoda]

Katieissweet posted some links about Shamanism/Mysticism and schizophrenia in the thread at http://forums.psychcentral.com/schiz...rs-here-4.html near the bottom of that page as well.

thank you hexacoda. inspirational reading.

Originally Posted by hexacoda

Are you still spiritual and/or Pagan?

I think I'm still trying to figure that out. My heart is in a more pagan view of life, but, I haven't actively practiced it in a long time. I think I'm leaning towards a kind of mystical view of Christianity. I've been reading these books by Joseph Brenner and they've been blowing my mind.