if you could be honest

What would you want others to know about Sza?

I don't have multiple personality disorder!!!

That it doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy and start shooting people. That more people with this type of Dx are victimized than are the victimizers. You don't have to fear me.

I'd also like you to know that I don't mean to be insensitive or inappropriate. That when I say I can't go somewhere or do something or see someone, it's not about you or me. It's about the illness.

That if I rebuff your offers of friendship, it's most likely because I'm tired of letting people down and don't try anymore. Being a hermit preserves me and my sometimes tenuous grip on sanity.

That just b/c you don't see me acting schizzy, it doesn't mean I don't have it. Don't presume you know better than all the doctors and my counselor; you don't.

I don't want to tell you my dx

to second what jaynedough said, you don't need to fear me.

honestly i'm pretty kind and i have a giant heart. i love all people. i love all creatures.
you can trust me with your children/around children. you can trust me.
i have become extremely isolative and have noticed that it is keeping me pretty sane.

i'm not a monster. i'm not what the media projects through propaganda and a just an over all bad example of a human being. mental illness or not. i feel like i'm not making sense. bye now. hahaha.

That I like you and I like people. This disease just causes me to isolate myself a lot especially when I'm depressed. But, more than anything...I want you to know that I do try. But a lot of times my actions are colored by this illness. So, no I don't need to to just buck up and deal. I don't need to just "get over it." This is an illness and it can be just as hard to deal with as any illness.

That I'd rather be living a "normal" life with the husband and the white picket fence and the 2.2 children and the Mom-Mobile and the job that I loved. I would rather have friends who can count on me. That I'd like to know that what I'm saying at any given time makes sense. That I'd like to be able to get this abscessed tooth taken care of and to afford dentures b/c I don't have back teeth. I'd like to be able to trust people and not question everything they say, especially when they compliment me. That I'm not fat by choice or laziness. That they should try taking my meds and see what happens. That just b/c they've had a situational depression and got over it, doesn't mean that they have a clue as to what true depression is. That it feels like being in hell when the voices berate me. That it's like being in an abusive relationship with my brain.

Being on disability is not easy. I'm grateful for it. But it's not some get-rich-quick scheme. That I tried working even after Hopkins told me I could never work again. I didn't ask to be this way.

That I don't say these things b/c I want you to feel sorry for me; I say them b/c I want you to understand how much this illness has taken from me.

I'd like them to know that it's not as simple as just "getting up and doing it." It's not so easy to just get up and do what needs to be done when I'm constantly pushing against a sick brain.

Telling me to do x,y,z doesn't help me get out of depression.

That I'm not on drugs I'm on prescription drugs. Everyone always jokes about it and it's fine but the way I act is who I actually am that was hidden under the depression, anxiety, fear etc. And maybe what I am (my diagnosis) makes me loud, act feisty and neurotic a bit but it's who I am and I love that my medication allows me to be able to be free, to be me.

That there is a difference between an overactive imagination and having schizoaffective d/o.

Not everyone who has this type of illness is living on the street, talking to their voices.

If you hear me talking to my voices, that's privileged information and you shouldn't be listening.

Many of us manage to recover from crisis and go on with our lives. Our illness doesn't define everything we are or do.

Just because I get angry at a situation that would make any "normal" human being angry DOES NOT mean I need to go to the kitchen and take a pill for agitation or that I'm getting manic AGAIN!!!

Just because I cry when I see something sad in the news DOES NOT mean it's time to go see my p-doc. for depression and a medication adjustment. FAMILY...Please stop micro-managing my illness. MY gosh it makes me so angry!!!! I'm allowed to have feelings just like anyone else on this planet.

Perfect.


Also, exploiting a schizophrenic person who is prone to paranoia is a really ugly thing to do. Don't do it to me and then expect me to act like you did nothing.

Just because I have sz/sza does not mean you need to ask me if I've taken my meds all the time. Yes, I do take them. But regardless, it is none of your business unless you are a part of my treatment team.

I am entitled to feel angry when someone has wronged me just like anyone else on the planet, it doesn't mean I'm "agitated" and need to take another ****ing pill. I'm already a walking pharmacy.

I am entitled to feel what I feel without it automatically being written off as some kind of mood episode. Depression and hypo/mania both are far more than just certain emotions as anyone with sza, depression, or bipolar knows from experience. (Jury is out on whether or not I've experienced true mania, I am going to talk to my psychiatrist at length about it on Tuesday when I see her.)

I am entitled to be an extrovert, I don't isolate as much as many others do unless I'm really bad off, and I like people. No two people on the schizophrenia spectrum are alike.

I am entitled to not being exploited because I have an illness. It's happened to me far too often and it's getting really old.

Don't make fun of my symptoms

Know that when I fail it's because the disease is winning.

i am afraid of what others think about all aspects of my life. theve seen me suffer. they wish it never happens to them. i scare them. i am not a monster but am afraid of my own thoughts sometimes. that doesn't mean i am going to hurt anyone. i love everyone, wish everyone loved each other too.

That I am not currently functioning at full capacity. I am capable of so much more, but the cognitive issues/ avolition/ depression brought by this illness is a really steep hill to climb.

To doctors:

Quite changing around my diagnosis, make up your mind and stick to it. Oh my God. I cannot take it anymore. I am furious.

"Trust me, it can be scary."

I may be "crazy" but I am not stupid. So by all means, shut the **** up when I'm talking to you or **** off. My thoughts are just as valid as yours.

You don't understand me.

I don't understand myself perfectly, I'm still learning just like everybody else on this planet. So ****ing stop it with the "oh but you're so self-aware!" BS.

Everyone has blind spots, nobody can be 100% objective about themselves and I'm sick of being treated like I'm some kind of prodigy just because I know I'm ****ed in the head.

This is not an illness that can just be swept under the rug like it isn't real. I do have episodes and don't want to feel like I am being discarded because I am flawed in some way due to the disorder. I am not flawed and want people to know that I am still the same person that I always have been. Also, just because I have an episode, doesn't mean that I am crazy. I entrusted my mother with my dx, but she doesn't want to know anything about the illness.

whoa, great answers! I can't think of anything that wasn't already covered!

Except maybe that i would like my mom to know that what i go through is very difficult for me, not my fault. And that i live in a major city, and so to me it is ok to let people know about my disorder. I will get judged but that is OK.