[Joel821]

My life used to revolve around drugs and alcohol.
I was chemically induced into a psychosis which started all of this. I was a garbage head and used psychedelics at festivals and sometimes at home.

I'm still trying to piece together my childhood to see where I started to experience symtoms at a young age.

I'm schizoaffective, bi polar type.

The symtoms I experience now are:

Voices/commands.
Violent thoughts of hurting people if I'm in a bad mood.
Delusions.
Depression.
And a zoned out feeling.
Mania.

I'm hoping others can relate and can chime in.

I feel horrible for the damage I did with drugs/alcohol. It really changed my outlook on life. I need to forgive myself.


Thanks for reading and helping.

[A18793715]

Originally Posted by Joel821

My life used to revolve around drugs and alcohol.
I was chemically induced into a psychosis which started all of this. I was a garbage head and used psychedelics at festivals and sometimes at home.

I'm still trying to piece together my childhood to see where I started to experience symtoms at a young age.

I'm schizoaffective, bi polar type.

The symtoms I experience now are:

Voices/commands.
Violent thoughts of hurting people if I'm in a bad mood.
Delusions.
Depression.
And a zoned out feeling.
Mania.

I'm hoping others can relate and can chime in.

I feel horrible for the damage I did with drugs/alcohol. It really changed my outlook on life. I need to forgive myself.


Thanks for reading and helping.

I experience all but manic. I have major depression instead. There's lots of people here that are completely understanding. You're far from alone. It's okay to forgive yourself. The past is the past. You can't change it, so why let it affect your present or future?

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[tom2123]

What delusions do you experience?

[Joel821]

Originally Posted by tom2123

What delusions do you experience?

My family is coming to pick me up.
People are getting on my nerves on purpose.

Delusions like that I've experienced.

[Joel821]

I also change the topic of conversation without it coming to a close.

[BipolarMama31]

I have the same diagnosis. Know that you are not alone. It is a horrible way to live and takes strength to know who you are as a person and not defined by your disease.
I also commend you on your strength to know how drugs/alcohol impacts your mental illness.
Are you seeing any professionals? Any medications?

I am currently doing DBT a few days each week and seeing a pdoc.
Im on seroquel 200, seroquel xr 150, 10-20 adderall, 1 klonopin, 50 narcan and 200 pristiq.

Ive never had a suvstance abuse issue, but i started on narcan last week for mania impulses and its actually been great after a few days.

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[Joel821]

I'm on a 150 mg Haldol dec shot once a month and 10 mg's of a Haldol pill.

I see a doctor and a therapist. I'm beginning to do a group once a week too.

June 1st I completed a 5 day a week intensive group and one on one therapy outpatient. It wad a 6 month program that helped a lot.

I became much more stable and became less cluttered.

[BipolarMama31]

Thats so great you are in treatment.
I think like you said, forgive yourself.
I struggle with this too. Ive done so many hurtful things to myself and my husband.
But if you are now committed to the help you are getting then be proud of all the work you are putting into yourself.

I give myself kudos when i take a shower. Because i got out of bed and took care of me. Its the small things that lead to the bigger picture.

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[Joel821]

Thanks for the response Bipolar mama.

Lately I have been noticing my symtoms and its like a rude awakening.

I have a wonderful support system so I think I will be ok.

Thanks for the replies.

[lazlo]

for me
delusions of grandeur
depression
mania
disorganized speech thinking-- rambling talking nonsense

[neodoering]

Originally Posted by lazlo

for me
delusions of grandeur
depression
mania
disorganized speech thinking-- rambling talking nonsense

My symptoms include delusions of grandeur: I'm a secret billionaire, I'm going to win the Nobel prize, I'm going to marry a supermodel, etc.
Delusions of paranoia: the cops are out to get me, the apartment manager is out to get me, my friends are plotting against me behind my back, etc.
Lots and lots of paranoia. This hasn't responded to drugs hardly at all.
Voices.
Punishment for doing useful things, where writing a few emails/social media posts or reading more than about 20 pages from a book will cause hours of pain and voices to scream in my head.
Frequent manic surges that go on for months and cause lots of sleep disruption.

I'm always interested in hearing about other people's symptoms, because it seems everyone is a bit different in how these things manifest. My psychiatrist listened to me talk about my mania, and she said, "You don't sound manic." She was looking for disorganized speech, and at the same time my head was roaring with energy and disruption. Even shrinks, who should know better, want to see your symptoms to believe in them. Run into walls, babble, call on God to strike down the cops, flap your arms like a chicken while making clucking noises, etc. Otherwise you too will be called a fraud.

[StewieGG]

My symptoms at the moment have been much more mood disorder related than they've ever been before. I am constantly either manic, where I have a lot of energy and feel full of ideas and very inspired to start out of character projects/businesses or am so depressed I can hardly move from bed. I have been extremely paranoid too, I feel like I know my boyfriend is cheating on me even though there's no evidence to suggest he is at all, and he's been nothing but loving and kind to me. I go off on huge rages at him calling him a cheat and asking him how he could do it to me. Yeah, paranoia and delusions can make me act like such a b**** to him, I am lucky that he's stuck around and is so understanding.

Meds have really helped with hallucinations, I don't know why they haven't touched my delusions and paranoia. I also barely leave my house because I am so scared of strangers.

[dmhobbit]

I have my time with severe anxiety and agoraphobia. I'm con-meds but they help me get through the day is probably why I stay on them. I can't shop unless the store has just opened or i'm with my best friend (who has a milder form of sza) and sticks with me if I have to shop in the evening.

I've also been extremely manic lately and i'm on 1000mg Depakote XR. I think I wouldn't be able to sit still without it. I've also sought a 2nd dr's opinion and he took me off Xanax except PRN but i'm on 1mg 3x daily of klonopin. I am feeling better but I get paranoid just stepping out of my apartment to get the mail. I feel that people are reading my thoughts. Yesterday I could swear I saw bugs moving against the wall but it was nothing.

I hope you feel better soon. Lets all make though the holidays safely and be with friends and family if that's your thing. I have no living relatives and my best friend is having a personal dinner with his girlfriend. I plan on having Ben and Jerry's and meat pasta for dinner. Namaste.

[miss_rainy]

I too have same things:
Voices all sense hallucinations
Obsessive thoughts and urges to hurt myself and others... and to do weird things.
Fits and tantrums
Depression/anxiety
Altered states and personalities
Mania and OCD
Delusions of grandeur
Disorganized speech and thinking.
See? A lot of people have a lot in common with you 😁

[disaster_piece_666]

i give myself kudos every time I take care of myself like showing and eating. so i'm glad that i'm not the only one that does that

[ensko]

Hallucinations, delusions, racing thoughts, suicidal ideation, homicidal desires, sudden despair, depression...

I can cope with the hallucinations if I'm not overwhelmed by anxiety, but delusions are the real danger, I think. Suddenly they don't just seem logical, but natural.