Living with a schizoid boyfriend??

I have been with the love of my life for over 2 years. We now live together and I thought we were on our way to a happily ever after. When discussing our future recently he confessed that he doesn’t feel as though he will ever love me or anyone else enough to marry them. He said he wants to get married “some day” but feels no need to do so anytime soon. (he is 28 and I am 26 so while we are not “old” we are certainly not too young to be considering marriage) Needless to say, this broke my heart and crushed my dreams. The fact that he feels this way concerns me. He says he cant ever feel any extreme emotions. I have been fighting a constant battle with anxiety and depression since 2011 so I am the complete opposite. I feel such deep emotions especially towards him.

I have gotten therapy for my problems including spending a week in an in-patient facility and I feel like so much of my hopelessness has been overcome. Do you think that some sort of therapy could help him feel differently? I have been researching like crazy and I keep reading that it is not a “problem” to be fixed or dealt with, its just his personality type. I’m not sure I can stay with someone who makes me feel like I am not loved as much as I love him but I’m torn because I want to stick it out.

I know that not everyone has the same symptoms but I feel like he doesn’t really have any of the other normal indicators of schizoid personality disorder. He loves to go out on the weekends and never has any problem being in a big group of people and he definitely doesn’t have a lack of sexual desires. He has plenty of hobbies that he participates in with many different friends and family members like fishing, playing golf and fantasy football. I just feel like he loves me but he could “take me or leave me”. Like he loves having me in his life, but he wouldn’t be too upset if he didn’t anymore. When I told him that I didn’t know if I could continue to be in a relationship like this, he became more upset than I have ever seen him. He was crying and begging me to reconsider. But then nothing changed and now he is just back to saying it is just how he is.

Is there anyone out there who maybe can identify with what he is feeling and tell me if you think this is in fact SPD or am I just with someone who doesn’t love me enough?

Hello vmc: I'm sorry I cannot comment knowledgeably with regard to what is going on with your bf. However I noticed this is your first post, here on PC, & you have not yet been greeted. So... welcome to PsychCentral! Hopefully some other members will yet be able to offer some informed opinions with regard to your concerns. Best wishes...

It sounds like your boyfriend has a fear of intimacy and commitment, not SPD. Does he have a traumatic past or come from an emotionally distant family? His lack of ability to feel deeply could be explained by either of these factors. Couples and/or individual counseling could help with his issues if he's willing.

What does the "love of my life" really mean to you? in time? expression, verbal and/or otherwise? Are you seeking a clone of yourself in how you love? Please know I am NOT being flippant here. Seriously ask yourself if you are able (and willing) to allow differences and if so to what degree. Heavy stuff for the young.

I say that because I have been married to a schizoid personality disorder man for 52 years. He's only been recently diagnosed as have I in various attachment related personality disorders, some of which are schizoid as well. We're had quite a wild ride including a divorce and remarriage again. Second time around work well in that we learned what we had missed all along. I needed to back off and he needed to come forward, which is a dance of balance and deeper understanding. He loves me the best he knows how, and more so than any other in my life. Same on my end. We know that now.

A long term commitment is hard because we 'get to' meet the places in ourselves that need maturing while the other watches and endures and hopefully applauds our victory. Visa versa. Ugly stuff at times. Beautiful too. Worth it? Welllll, only that particular couple can determine that. Best to you.

Wanting someone more than they want you is hell. The relationship 'dance' is resist/persist with one clinging to a fantasy of what can never be while the other runs from the reality of feeling devoured. Where is dignity? When one feels like they have to give up one's dignity for the other, watch out. A healthy relationship never requires one to sacrifice your self-dignity as a 'gift'.

Welcome to PC