I hate being schizoid

Having this disorder is exhausting. There is some duality in this. I want to be alone, but I want to have friends. I am indifferent towards other people, but I suffer when I feel someone hates me.
And there are those times I need friends but I don't have them because I ran away. And this emptiness? Don't tell me about it! It feels like multiple layers between me and my true feelings.
I am there, but I am not feeling it. If I completly lose myself I am capable of doing almost anything but it will be like it never happened. And I won't understand if I did it because I wanted or simply because I tricked myself into thinking that was what I wanted.

I was once given the MMPI to complete while I was participating in a partial hospital program. They never sat down with me & reviewed the results, which made me angry beyond words. They just stuck the report in a file & that was the end of it. (I'm convinced they just had me do it because they knew my health insurer would pay for it. I just love the mental health care system...) I finally was able to get ahold of a copy of a summary sheet after jumping through about a half dozen hoops. But, anyway, one of the things I recall it saying in the summary was that I had "schizoid thinking". I never did really understand what that meant. However, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here. So maybe that's it...