[Caspy]

Hi there-! I'm new to this group and I'm really just seeking advice? I'm not saying I have Schizophrenia, but I have been worried lately that perhaps my paranoia and worry shouldn't be normal?? I'm 17, and I'm really just hoping that someone understands how I'm feeling and can hopefully lend advice. I'm supposed to attend therapy soon, I just need to get around to scheduling my appointments.
I'm so sorry if I'm not supposed to be here. I am- I'm not trying to mock anyone, and I'm just trying to figure myself out. Sorry again!!

I have a lot of paranoia. Paranoia that people may be plotting to hurt me or use me or that they talk about me. Sometimes I avoid eating because I think people are watching and mocking me.
I get scared that if I jinx anything or say a phrase, then it will actually become true (like, me saying "it's eating at me" will result in something actually eating me).

In elementary school, every time I would directly look at someone I would have to look back at myself because I thought I may stop existing. Or at least, I would look at myself to make sure I still existed. And at some point I had the worry that people could read my thoughts?? It wasn't that severe or often, but it did scare me sometimes and make me watch what I would think to avoid embarrassment or keep them from finding my weak spots. But that was middle school, so I'm sure it was normal. We were all a little eccentric at that time, right? ^^;

A few times I've heard someone say my name, clear enough where I'll ask who said my name and only get confused looks in response.

I get a ringing in my ears sometimes or a low hum when it's quiet (that isn't coming from anything) and no one knows what I'm talking about and it annoys me so muuchhh-

Things sometimes seem smaller or bigger than they actually are?? But like my body or hands or smth. Its not extreme, but I feel like something is different sometimes?

I have OCD?? Like, I have to do things a certain number of times in a repetition of 2 and if I don't write my letters completely and with no gaps then I become fairly distressed or worried something will happen because of it.

Just yesterday, I was scrolling through random posts and I suddenly had to like this random post or else I was scared I would be skinned alive like in this video going around hnnn-
So yeah, if I don't do certain things on impulse then I believe I'll be harmed?? And sometimes I just think I'll be harmed no matter what, and I get scared someone is going to kidnap me or something.

I've had the idea for years that I'm somehow different from everyone. I feel like I'm meant for something so much more than what I'm doing now. I feel like everyone around me is just the same and that I'm supposed to show them some sort of realization.
I look at the kids around me and sometimes think "idiots".
They're all so unaware
But unaware of what? I'm the only one who's capable of knowing more than them *I* am different?? But that's probably what every other teenager thinks XD

According to my parents, I remember conversations with them that they dont.
My mother didn't believe me when I said that my step father abused me and thinks I imagined it.
And she also recently disclosed to me that apparently my father's side of the family had some people who hallucinated things and had those kinds of mental illnesses?

I also feel like someone is watching me or following me and I get really scared sometimes. I'll watch out for what I'll look up online sometimes because I get worried someone is watching what I search and using this information to use me and track me.
It's been getting slightly worse, where I'll have periods where I almost cut off ties with my friends because I think they're all lying to me and only planning to hurt me.

I always want to sleep, I feel exhausted every day and I have no interest in almost everything. I also have to keep all of my body and limbs in the bed with me, no hanging off, or else I fear something will reach out and grab me and hurt me or take me away.

My parents have said that I look like I have no emotion or that I sound like I'm bored or apathetic even when I'm feeling happy or at least content. Or sometimes I just feel incredibly apathetic where I don't care about much of anything around me or anyone.

So, uhmm.. yeah..! That's me-! I'm so sorry if I've caused any trouble here, but some advice would be appreciated. Thank you in advance! 🌼

[Sometimes psychotic]

There’s not a lot you can do other than seek out a professional.....sometimes these things respond to medicine or talk therapy.

[Alice_WonderlandCat]

You didn’t cause any trouble, no need to apologize. I want you too know hat we can’t diagnosis here. You need to schedule an appointment with your doctor. They can give you a referral to a psychiatrist. You seem extremely anxious about a lot of things. Like socializing and intrusive thoughts. It’s quite common for people with anxiety to feel extreme paranoia, but recognize it as paranoia. They might think they have a illness like schizophrenia or psychosis. And they might actually do. People with severe anxiety may hearing mild voices that is actually an internal voice. It’s just voicing what they are thinking.

That doesn’t mean that this is anxiety. It could very well be the onset of a debilitating disorder such as schizophrenia. It could also be a brain tumor, Anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, or another variety of disorders. It could be depression or bipolar. Your insight is very much intact, my friend, the user of this account, pdoc told her people who generally have insight have another condition a few months ago. Usually depression with psychosis. She doesn’t know if that’s true or not. Or it could be delusional disorder. It could be a personality disorder, I’m diagnosed with borderline, schizotypal and paranoid traits. I sometimes experience short psychotic episodes. Tell them your symptoms like the OCD like ones and the paranoia. Like I said we don’t diagonsis since it’s the internet. We can only theorize.
- WonderlandCat( The best friend and editor of/for Alice)