[specialdarkness]

I was visiting sister in Col. when i had a series of SEVERE auditory hallucinations......it was SO bad.....i was sure i was losing my mind and went looking for the keys to start the car and sit in the garage.....then i spent 15 hellish hours on a plane.....it was terrifying to say the least....am worried visuals are next....when i get them, they are SO REAL....so severe.....i immed. react with shaking, tears, and fear......i PRAY that was the end of it for a while....LAST time this hapenned....i spent 4 days in restraints in the ward. Pray for me.

When i get these episodes, i get hellbent on stepping off hard.....luckily my fam. was there to stop me this time.

Please, let that be the end of it......i was SO scared, and became dangerous immed. Those things are HORRIBLE.

I hate being schizophrenic. HATE it.....would rather not be here to have to endure them anyday. I HATE crying, shaking......being so scared, paranoid.....the paranoia is the worst i swear.....i never believe anyone that it's just my head....it's SO damn real. Last night i almost cut up again, the hall. cause a reaction for me....to want to feel nothing, to not BE.

Please, let it be over, i'm home now......let it be over.

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello specialdarkness,
I've been reading through your posts. There's a lot going on for you. It sounds as if one of the most difficult parts for you right now is that you feel hopeless, as if things won't get better. It's a hard place to be, especially if you feel alone there.

You also seem to be discovering that this site has many different nooks and crannies. In those places you'll find other people who are struggling with many of the same difficulties you're having -- they're either there right now or they've been there. There's times when we need an encouraging hand and there's times when we're capable of offering the same to others. It seems to me that right now, you need that encouraging hand so I would suggest that you continue to investigate all the different rooms and discussions that are here and hopefully, you'll find something in the words and experiences of others that can help you through this difficult time.

I was visiting sister in Col. when i had a series of SEVERE auditory hallucinations......it was SO bad..... am worried visuals are next....when i get them, they are SO REAL....so severe.....i immed. react with shaking, tears, and fear......

There are different ways people can choose to deal with these sorts of experiences. None of them are necessarily any better than the other -- it depends on what feels best for you. It sounds as if, for you, the best thing to do might be to seek out comfort at that time. Do you have places you can go where you can find that?

I'm sorry to hear about your hospital experiences. Some people find hospitals to be very helpful, others find them to be awful. I'm glad to know you're back at home now and I hope you're able to find the help and support you need.

~ Namaste

.

[FooZe]

Hello, specialdarkness. On the subject of schizophrenic breaks, I usually defer to spiritual_emergency. At least three-fourths of what I know about it, I've learned just through following her around the Internet.

As a response to your current post this may be a bit off topic, but I was looking at some other things you'd written and I'd be interested in knowing a bit more about where you're coming from -- if that's OK.

That's a fascinating caption on your profile pic: "Maybe I'm afraid they'd actually care." This is just me, of course, but I found myself going... "Bingo!"

I was also reading something you posted in another thread:

Originally Posted by specialdarkness

I want to take things SO far.....make the past look like a cartoon......waking up restrained in a ward.....biting stitches out.....taunting the staff to just TRY and stop this........try and KEEP me from destroying what is MINE to do with as i please. Iv'e lost so much in my life in the last month.......i want to BECOME that little pic in my profile pics that says "this is how i pay you back for EVERY SINGLE time you &^*#@^% made me cry"

That, in turn, reminded me of this (which may or may not be historically accurate but even if it's not, it's quite a powerful fantasy):

Suicide was a common mode of retaliation. If one were unable to avenge himself in life, he died entertaining the belief that, as a ghost, he could return and visit wrath upon his enemy. And since this belief was very general, the threat of suicide on an enemy's doorstep was usually sufficient to bring him to terms.

Anyway, I was wondering, if you don't mind saying: does there happen to some particular enemy that you've avenging yourself on? And (second question) if there is, do you experience this "enemy" as outside you or as inside you?

Thanks, and don't let me distract you from what you were talking about.

Fool Zero

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Rushing in where angels fear to tread since... (never mind).