[BNLsMOM]

I am diagnosed as bipolar, but I have noticed increasing paranoia. Can anyone give me any insight? I wrote the following in my journal today:

I was just thinking about the past week and what I talked about with T-doc about exploring paranoid thinking. I find it amazing that when I went in to his office I wasn’t really thinking about paranoia, but once we talked about it, I realized I have been feeling it. It has increased in recent days, including on the way to his office last week.
I walked past a man who was sort of hanging around near the parked cars ouside the office. He looked like he was waiting for someone and couldn’t decide if he wanted to be near the duck pond, or stay by the cars. I walked past him and I felt myself stiffen and speed up a little bit. I pictured and could almost feel him walking behind me. I thought he would attack me from the back and drag me somewhere more secluded to rape me. Then, another man was walking toward me and I thought that maybe they were working together. He said, “Good Morning, “and I said, “Hi.” While I was thinking these thoughts, I was also thinking that there is no way someone would do that in broad daylight with all those people around.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I was walking and a man came out of his house and was walking in front of me. I dropped back so that I wouldn’t have to pass him and have him walking behind me. When I got to a path where there were turns, I walked quietly and looked around the turns before I walked to make sure he wasn’t there waiting for me.
Yesterday, I had the experience of thinking the people who were walking on my street were planning to break in to my house and was expecting someone to be at my back door pointing a gun at me.
Am I having delusions, or is my medication messing with me?
I don’t know the answer to that, but I have had these feelings before. Not usually so violent, but certainly that people at work were planning to fire me, or were talking about the work I was doing and deciding I was doing a bad job. Now that I don’t work any more I am projecting these thoughts onto neighbors and people I see outside.
I don’t want neighbors to see me through the windows or see my house and judge how messy it is and think badly of me.
I think some of it comes from my parents. My mom had the fear of people judging her, talking behind her back about her weight. My dad was a police officer who was convinced I would get raped or murdered if I left the house. Did they have a mental illness that I inherited or did their fears just shape me into a fearful person? Or did I just perceive their comments as their having these fears because I had them?
Whatever it is, I am becoming more fearful of people, especially strangers, or people who are in positions to evaluate me.
Are these paranoid delusions? If so, is it part of bipolar, or something else? Is my bipolar being controlled by my meds and I am also having symptoms of something else?

[kris9999]

************May trigger************

I am so sorry you feel this way! You need to bring these concerns up with your therapist when you see him again and let him know of all of you worries. I can't say if it's bipolar or schizo or what, but I can give you my own personal experience...

When I was just a kid, I had this strange idea in my head that in my own bathroom there were cameras and I was on a TV show (before the Truman show) I got so worried that I REFUSED to use the restroom in my own home. I was about 8 when this started. Than I moved to Florida from S.C. and had this strange idea in my head that a perv from S.C. followed me to Florida. He was stalking me and would climb into my bedroom window (mind you we lived in the 3rd story of an apartment) eventually those ideas went away and were replaced by ideas like yours. I thought people hid under my bed waiting to kill me, so much that I would not walk in my room at all but positioned the bed next to the door so I could jump in bed without walking.

Also I was so worried at this time that just sitting against the wall of my apartment was dangerous. That strangers would shoot me through the walls. I slept with a knife under my mattress but was so afraid of even myself that I had to use a butter knife (thought I would hurt myself in my sleep). All of this stopped eventually with a lot of alcohol and drug abuse.

I haven't touched drugs in years, and gave up drinking as well. My paranoia went away until recently. Now my paranoi is at the point where I think that everyone, yourself included... That we all live in my head and all of you are my alters (I have DID)... This is my brief description of my paranoia, and I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia but there are MUCH worse cases than mine. My therapist told me at first (before she believed the dx) that it is very common for people to feel paranoid in the way you described it. Not common for people in general but common for people who have experienced abuse in their life. Could this be your case?

I hope you get the answers you need and I hope your t can help you. Schizophrenia or not, paranoia is terrible thing and I hope you can get past this!

[BNLsMOM]

TRIGGER WARNING

Thank you so much for your reply. I have never suffered ongoing abuse in my life but there was one incident with my friend's brother when I was little who tried to molest me. I got away, but not before he exposed himself and held my face near him.

I told my mom who told his mom and as far as I know it never happened again. (Of course, I could be repressing a memory, but I don't think about it often) I wonder if this one incident has something to do with my current paranoia.

I have an appointment with T on Wednesday and I am thinking about calling him tomorrow just to talk about what I wrote in my journal.

[BNLsMOM]

I just thought of something else.

Sometimes when I am in public places, including public bathrooms, I look around to make sure there aren't cameras. If I am in a store, I don't mind that there are cameras, but I wonder if the people monitoring them will think I am acting suspicious and will come out and accuse me of shoplifting.

When I am in a public bathroom, I look around for cameras, and at the same time I am telling myself that it is illegal for them to put cameras in a bathroom stall. (I don't know if that is true or not, but it makes me feel better about using the bathroom.)

I also wonder if when I go into a dressing room, if there are people behind the mirrors watching me.

I never really thought of these as paranoid thoughts. I just thought about it in those places.

It is such a regular part of my thinking, but I am starting to worry that it is getting worse, considering the violence of my most recent thoughts.

[billieJ]

This is just an opinion thrown in, as you really need to consult your T or Pdoc, but your insight seems excellent, and, to me, that is what makes the difference between paranoid thoughts [which most people have at times] and paranoid delusions. In the thought, you are WONDERING WHETHER something that you fear might be true, as you describe above, but you are also aware that this could be only a symptoms or some result of a paranoid tendency, which you may have acquired in your childhood environment. A delusion is where you are no longer wondering but are convinced of your paranoid ideas. Your insight is superior. You may need a med adjustment & you may be able to lessen it by distracting yourself with other things. Caring ~ billieJ

[BNLsMOM]

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING




Thank you so much for your opinions. I have an appointment to see p-doc tomorrow and I am seeing T-doc twice each week to try to get through these thoughts. They are getting stranger.

The other day, I saw a man riding a lawn mower down the street and I thought he would either attack me with the lawn mower or jump off and attack me somehow, so I ran inside and locked the door. THen I took a shower and I thought there would be someone standing outside my shower curtain, either a man, or a half man, half rhino sort of thing or something sinister with fur and horns. Strange.

I am also getting caught somewhere between sleep and wakefulness in the mornings. I am drifting to sleep and having such realistic and violent dreams that I have a hard time waking from them and realizing that they aren't real until I am fully awake and have a cup of coffee. The feeling stays with me all day. I know that isn't paranoia, but it is different. That might be my meds messing with me, though.

[billieJ]

Another thought, as I reread your post. You say you are diagnosed with Bipolar. Well if we think of Bipolar as a contiinuum or even a bell curve, the further out you go with either the mania or the depression, the paranoia starts up. Try to recognize the early symptoms and ask about the med adjustments that people with bipolar seem to need from time to time, before the parnoia gets too bad, if possible. And try to sleep. Sleep deprivation will definitely set off that paranoia. Your insight in incredible, and this will see you through! billieJ

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsmom)))

Are you able to sleep well at night?
If you are having trouble resting because of the disturbing dreams, it is quite possible that your mind is just exhausted.

All of your concerns are grounded in reality -- there *are* a lot of cameras in the world today, strange men *could* be a threat, etc. What it honestly reminds me of is my own reactions after being traumatized. My T called it mild PTSD...whenever I would see a man with a particular look I would literally panic, because in the past a similar looking man attacked me. I was terrified of walking outside because of who might see me, or that a stranger would follow me home. My T called this 'hypervigilance', and it is a totally normal reaction to trauma.

If you have unresolved trauma in your past, this *could* be some PTSD flaring up. Definitely talk to your T and pdoc and let them know this is happening. My T helped me a lot just by listening and telling me it is normal to feel hypervigilant, and that it does go away.

(As a side note: it IS illegal to put cameras in bathroom stalls in the US. They may have cameras in the sink area, but the toilet is private space.)

((((((((((((((((BNLsmom)))))))))))))))))

I was going to suggest the same thing as Spotted Owl...that it sounds a lot like PTSD. Before I started therapy, I experienced the world in much the same way that you are experiencing it right now. I was VERY scared, all the time. It is so much better now. It does flare up when I am going through a stressful time, but I can recognize it as PTSD now, and manage it a little better.

I hope you are able to find some peace. It's exhausting to have to be so hypervigilant all the time

[BNLsMOM]

I don't know what would cause PTSD for me. There was that incident when I was a kid, but it only happened once and I have worked through it. Other than that, I haven't had anything really traumatic that most other people haven't had happen to them.

I suppose being in the hospital could be seen as traumatic, but I found it to be a good experience once I was more comfortable there and got some good meds.

I don't know, I guess it is something to talk about in therapy.

Get this, my neighbor came over last week and told me that federal agents will be knocking on doors tomorrow to do a security check on him. Great, that's just what I need to help my paranoia.

[tarabug922]

BNLsMom,

I have experienced just what you are going through and the good news is for me, it passed. That was with a lot of therapy and having to talk myself out of it. You know, rationalizing logically with my head and those thoughts. I wouldn't think that it would be your meds but one never knows, it is a possibility. It's also a possibility that you have schizoaffective disorder, I do. It's not full blown schizophrenia but it's not just depression or bipolar either, sort of a combination. You might want to do some research and see what you come up with.

I wanted to thank you for being so open with us and sharing your private thoughts, that's not always easy, trust me. i fear negative responses or people just blowing off what I'm experiencing.

With your insight into your thinking you still have control, remember that. It's once you lose that insight that you start slipping further into the paranoia. Battle the thoughts while you can. Write down logical explanations for everything and focus on changing the thoughts that you have with the positive explanotory thoughts. It might just help you like it helped me.

Just my opinion though, not professional advice.

Love and Hugs,
Tara

[BNLsMOM]

So I have done a bit of reasearch about schizoaffective disorder and I definitely have the mood symptoms. I have the paranoia and until recently I would consider it a delusion because I really thought that people were talking about me, and I have some of the negative symptoms associated with schizophrenia. So technically, I have enough of the criteria for the disorder.
I am very expressive in writing, but verbally, I have trouble unless I really trust and know the person. Then I can't seem to shut up. Does that mean I am just shy rather than having negative symptoms?

Does being aware of my symptoms automatically exclude me from the diagnosis?

Also, I know the internet is not a way to diagnose oneself, but my p-doc sure as hell isn't interested in doing the work.

Is is at all possible for this to be correct? I am so confused by myself these days.

My paranoia has been better for a week, but I can feel myself struggling with mood at the moment.

It's not fair really, because I take my meds like it's my religion.

By the way, I am sitting here in fear waiting for the feds to show up. (see my last post in this thread) I am worried that they might see that there is something just a little off about me. Do they bother?