[sixelalost]

When I am with my friends they sometimes ask me why I am being so quite and what's wrong, and I tell them I'm fine. I say that there isn't anything wrong but there is. I hear voices inside of my head. Voices that try and tell me what to do and how to do things. Those moments when I sit and say nothing I am listening to all of these voices rush together and trying to figure out what they mean and why they won't just stop and leave me alone. The voice that I hear most often is that of a man. He is telling me that I'm ugly, fat, worthless. He tells me that I should kill myself because there is no one that truly wants me here. No one would miss me if I were gone. Another voice that I hear is that of a woman. She tells me positive things. She calls me beautiful, smart, and funny. I sometimes catch myself talking back to the voices in my head and it really does make me want to kill myself because I feel like a maniac. I've never told anyone before because I don't think they will believe me or take me seriously. I feel like they'll look at me differently. I just want them to go away. I can hardly get a moments peace. This man practically governs my life considering that the reason I don't do a lot of the things I want to do is because I'm afraid he will interfere. It's so hard to concentrate when you have someone in the back of your mind telling you that everything you know is wrong. I can read people very well and it's because I've had this voice always telling me how someone is and they almost always turn out to be how he says they will be. Sometime's I feel like this voice is the darkness inside of me trying to find a way to get out and I just won't let it. He wants me to hurt myself and he sometimes asks me to hurt other people. He keeps trying to tell me that everything will be better if I just do what he says and sometimes I swear I am so close to doing it. Like sometimes I'll be driving down the road and he tells me that I should brace myself and ram the oncoming car in the other lane because he knows I will be alright, it will only hurt them. Everytime I get pissed off at someone he flashes images in my head of all of the things he says I want to do to them on the inside but am too afraid to admit. Sometimes I will be sitting in a room with someone he doesn't like and he tells me the ways he would kill them if he could. He says that hurting other people will make me feel better about myself and it scares me so bad. I don't know what to do. I have nowhere to turn and no one to go to and I feel like I am at wits end.

[SpottedOwl]

(((sixelalost)))

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. I have found that it does help to talk to other people about what is going on in the head. If you can find a trained professional who would just be willing to talk to you, it might help.

In the meantime, please know that we all have a 'shadow' side. We all have things inside that we are afraid to share or that we are ashamed of. If we don't allow those thoughts to come out in a healthy way, they can become consuming.

Listen to the woman. I don't know you, but I do know that all human beings are deserving of life and happiness. Any voice that supports life is a voice worth listening to.

Be safe and I hope that you can find someone you can talk to about all of this. Always feel free to come back here and let us know how you are doing.

[eclipse23745]

You should go see a professional about your predicament, it can only help. Whenever the man tells you to do something you don't want to do remember that you're not alone and the voices in your head aren't real. When you're traveling down the road of life, thre are bound to be bumps in the way.