[KUREHA]

I think I had a moment of clarity, I think it's all a lie, just to keep it secret, I don't know how big it is, they make it sound like I'm crazy, because I'm getting close, I think I'm missing something though.

My psychologist that I used to see, she wouldn't lie to me, so I didn't understand why she had the same view as my nurse and I think I get it. Maybe I have OCD/Psychosis/Depression or whatever else someone wants to call it, but it's actually happening at the same time.

So it's all fantasy and reality at the same time, like 2 seperate things, that are exactly the same. Like I'm being gang stalked for real, but I also just think I'm being gang stalked, and they are both true.

[KUREHA]

Not asking for a reply it's I don't need it - but a yes or no would help.

Police first or not?

It's all so stealthy now - everyone wasted time while they were showing them selves - now I'm close they are totally undercover.

[KUREHA]

I've decided the police definitely.

The nurse will only shoot down my credibility and I have zero anyway.

Murder prevention has to be good - pretty much pointless after it happens.

[costello]

I didn't reply, because I don't understand. You're being gang stalked AND you're imagining you're being gang stalked simultaneously? Or you're being gang stalked AND you have a psychiatric dx of some kind?

I'm confused.

[spiritual_emergency]

Here is something I have wondered about Kureha...

Many people who have these kinds of experiences report similar feelings and experiences -- of being followed by people, of having people put thoughts into their head, or even, items into their bodies. I recall feeling something similar early in my own experience that I "expressed" in a dream of being in a room where the walls had eyes and were watching me. It was a very frightening experience because it felt like there was nowhere safe, it felt like being invaded at a very intimate, personal level.

When I look back on that portion of my experience I think that was when my ego began breaking down in a more dramatic fashion and this feeling -- of being invaded, of being frightened, of not feeling safe anywhere -- was expressing itself metaphorically.

Examples of metaphorical conversation might be like if I were to say that a glass of orange juice is a glass of sunshine. Obviously, I'm not really drinking the sun but I'm expressing some qualities about the orange juice itself and my experience of drinking and tasting it.

This is similar to your idea that two different things are happening at the same time. There is definitely something happening -- others around you can see and acknowledge this but there isn't always agreement in terms of what is happening. Meantime, you are experiencing what is happening in a very specific way. You are then saying to the people around you, "This is how it feels for me. I don't feel safe. I feel watched. I feel like they're going to kill me. I feel like I've discovered a secret I'm not supposed to know about."

What if this is your ego expressing how it feels to go through a breakdown of the ego? What if these statements and feelings are symbolic expressions of that experience?

[KUREHA]

Both at the same time, I am being gang stalked, but I think that I am at the same time - both are true.

It's the only way it makes sense - my psychologist wouldn't lie to me.

Spiritual_Emergency - I don't really understand what you mean, I can follow some of it though.

[mgran]

It's a funny thing, I understand what you're saying, but I can't express it as well as you Kureha. I remember how that felt, and how I kept my true feelings tightly under wraps because I didn't expect anyone else to understand.

Are you compliant with your meds at the moment? One thing to look at is the fact that the right meds will stop the shadow feelings that are stalking your imagination. Wouldn't that be a relief?

[spiritual_emergency]

Hello Kureha,
I'll try to explain better although I'm not sure if I'm right.

Maybe I should explain a little bit about the ego first. Essentially, the ego is your idea of who you are -- we could call it your "self-identity". Psychosis is very difficult on an ego. It seems to produce cracks, splits, fragmentations in that person's self-concept. Naturally, this can be a frightening, overwhelming and painful experience.

The other thing that seems to happen is that people have great difficulty describing this experience because it's too overwhelming so instead they use metaphors. It's like if someone does something that really hurts or betrays us and we talk about being "knifed in the back" or "kicked in the guts". We weren't really "knifed in the back" or "kicked in the guts" but we are expressing our experience of feeling hurt or betrayed.

Meantime, I think what might be happening when people report these experiences of being invaded, of being watched, of fearing that they will be killed, etc. that they are doing something similar. They are telling us what it's like to go through the experience of egoic breakdown and saying that it is like ... having a powerful group of people out to get you, or being watched or listened to all the time, of not feeling there is anywhere safe you can go.

I think this idea might also give us clues for how we can help people going through these experiences. One method might be to reinforce the strength of the ego; the other might be to escape the ego entirely.

If we wanted to reinforce the ego's sense of strength we might work to help the person feel safe, valued, listened to, etc. If we wanted to help someone escape the ego, (I think this was what I ended up doing) we have to go in a different direction.

In your case, I think what might work best for you would be to strengthen your ego. That means we would need to focus on helping you feel safe, listened to, understood...

I don't know. What do you think of those ideas?

[costello]

Your psychologist sounds like a remarkable person. You've said in the past that you aren't seeing her anymore. Has that changed? Do you get to see her sometimes?

Take care of yourself and be safe.

[KUREHA]

mgran - I stopped taking meds ages ago - I don't need them and it's just for them to control me

costello - My psychologist is amazing, I saw her the beginning of the month, very last time - can still email her if I need to though.

spiritual_emergency - Ah right - I've used metaphors to explain things before, but all this stuff is happening though - I see them all the time, they won't leave me alone.

I think I was doing that with my psychologist - she gave me time to find evidence and then we would look for different explanations.
I don't know what I do with my nurse, but I might stop seeing her.

[spiritual_emergency]

Kureha: I've used metaphors to explain things before, but all this stuff is happening though - I see them all the time, they won't leave me alone.

I'm probably not explaining myself very well. It's a difficult concept to present but it's in line with your idea that two things are happening at the same time and both are true.

Hmmm. Maybe this will make sense...

Elsewhere I have spoken of living in two worlds -- we could call it an inner world and an outer world. The outer world is what's happening outside of me and the inner world is what's happening inside of me. How I perceive the outer world will have a lot to do with what's happening in my inner world. And what's happening in my inner world will have a lot to do with where I put my attention in the outer world.

As an example... I remember finding out that I was pregnant for the first time. That was like a secret that I kept inside of me for a while and it wasn't the sort of thing anyone could tell about me just by looking. Meantime, inside, I knew I was pregnant and this knowledge made me pay attention to the outer world in a different way -- suddenly, it seemed like I saw pregnant women everywhere! They had always been there but I'd just not been paying attention to them.

Another example... Let's say you find out that your boyfriend cheated on you with another girl. This is your inner knowledge. Then, you look out to the outer world and you see evidence all around you that these sorts of things happen all the time.

Another example... Let's say you feel fat and ugly. You might not be but you feel that way. Because you feel that way inside, it affects what you see outside. For example, you might not notice a boy who's paying attention to you but you might notice a boy who doesn't pay attention to you and you will tell yourself, "He's not paying attention to me because I'm fat and ugly!"

Another example is my own experience of feeling terribly frightened. That's how I felt inside and because I felt that way inside, when I looked outside of myself, I saw all kinds of evidence for why I should feel frightened. The interesting thing is what I didn't see because if I had placed my attention somewhere else I would have seen lots of things that aren't frightening. Both were true -- inside I was frightened and outside, I could find evidence for being frightened. But what's also true is that there were many things that were not frightening. My fear had narrowed my focus, it had affected my perception.

Meantime, in terms of you... I can see that you are having an inner experience and an outer experience. Part of your inner experience includes feeling that the world is not a safe place to be and that people are out to get you. What if, you see that in the outer world because that's what's in your inner world and this causes you to place your attention on the frightening things that are really there in the outer world? Maybe it would help to try and see some of the things in the outer world that aren't frightening because that would help change the reality of your inner world.

Did that make sense?


Music of the Hour:

[KUREHA]

Yeah my psychologist talked about this she called it attention bias - that it would happen because I was expecting it to happen.

I've tried to see things differently - but there is always something that happens. They have an expendable army of people that believe all their lies.

I think I just need to call the police, because I shouldn't be getting watched.

From Wikipedia

Protection from Harassment Act 1997

This Act was primarily created to provide protection against stalkers, but it has been used in other ways.
Under this Act, it is now an offence for a person to pursue a course of action which amounts to harassment of another individual, and that they know or ought to know amounts to harassment. Under this act the definition of harassment is behaviour which causes alarm or distress. This Act provides for a jail sentence of up to six months or a fine.