'noise' in my head

Thank you mgran! I'm glad things have gotten so much better for you, and hope that this improvement continues

The problem is that I DO think that this is all my fault, my 'punishment' for being such a bad person. Which is why I can't take my meds, in case they actually do help (which the antipsychotic does, but not the antidepressant), cos I'm not supposed to get better.



*Willow*

Hey Willow, that kind of self blame isn't rational... you're not a person who is so bad that she deserves to be punished. Those thoughts are symptomatic of your illness, not something you should take as gospel. The fact is that you don't deserve to be ill. What could you have possibly done that is so bad that you deserve misery for it? The world is full of villains who have no conscience, and don't lose a minute's sleep over their bad behaviour. How can you be more evil than them?

I also had a delusional thought that held me back from seeking help, even when I knew I needed it. I thought that the devil wanted me to take meds, and if I took them then I'd be playing into his hands, and would lose my faith, and eventually my soul. I based that on one word in the Book of Revelation.

I can look at it now and know that the devil wasn't trying to trick me into taking meds, but I remember how real it felt. I know how real your feelings of guilt must be... I don't know how to persuade you that they're not true, because I can't remember how I got from thinking the devil was trying to control me to taking my meds. But I do know that you can make that change, and when you do things should improve.

If you don't mind my asking, what anti depressants are you on? They didn't do anything for me either, then the doctor tried lamotrigine, as a mood stabiliser, and that did work. It's just a thought, a stabiliser might work where an anti depressant wouldn't. (I've been on all sorts of anti depressants, none of them worked as they should... one of them I went totally manic on, and most of them just made me tired and dizzy as well as depressed.)

I think the most important thing for you to hang on to though is that you don't deserve to be ill. The feeling that you do is part of your illness.

Thanks mgran.

I spoke to my Mum last night about why I don't want to take meds, specifically mentioning this feeling, and she said the same thing...It just feels so real - I know u understand. Mum says I should "trust her" and take the antipsychotic at least, even if I won't take the antidepressant (which she agrees isn't working) and I feel so bad that I can't do that. I DO trust her and I know she only wants what's best for me but... I don't know, it just feels wrong to take them. I guess I'm so used to making my own decisions, that I just can't hand over responsibility to another person, even my Mum, especially when what she wants goes against what I KNOW deep in my gut...

Mgran, I've been on so many antidepressants that I lose count! Atm I'm supposed to be on escitalopram but in the past I've been on fluoxetine, citalopram, venlafaxine, lofepramine, duloxetine, reboxetine, moclobemide, mirtazapine, sertraline on its own and with lithium. I've never tried lamotrigine but I could ask my pdoc when I EVENTUALLY get to my appt. It's over a month away (I've been waiting since the end of March - it's supposed to be 'urgent')

*Willow*

The fact that you've been on so many anti depressants and none of them are working does seem to suggest that it's about time to try something else. I'm sorry lithium didn't work, but then it doesn't work for everyone. It didn't work for my mother, and as well as being psychotic (probably schizophrenia) she had a mood disorder (probably bipolar) and was unresponsive to most meds. I'm convinced that she'd have improved if she'd been put on some of the more modern meds... but that's a different story. The point was that just because lithium didn't work, doesn't mean that another mood stabiliser (one of the anti convulsants) might not work. I had thought I was completely unresponsive to meds before they started trying anti psychotics and mood stabilisers. When they get the meds right, it's like a miracle.

If you're worried because you find it difficult to hand over control to your mother, you're not alone. A friend of mine highly recommends the book I mentioned above, "i'm not sick", and says that when his mother read that she started to understand more where he was coming from. It enabled them both to understand what was going on, and was instrumental into getting him medically compliant. He still experiences hallucinations, but now he knows they're hallucinations, and he's doing better in all sorts of ways, including part time paid work.

Don't give up hope... and I'm glad that your mother is on your side. It's rotten that you have to wait so long for an urgent appointment... make sure that you write down your concerns, because if you're like me when I went for my first appointment, it's hardly possible to talk. It suddenly overwhelmed me, and I was completely obsessed with the idea that if I told people what I'd been thinking and feeling, folks would believe that my religion (Christianity) was false, and I might be responsible for the therapist going to hell. It's hard to explain it, and I wish I'd had the foresight then to write down what was going on. You've got your mother to help you write down your symptoms and concerns. By getting ready for the appointment you're helping yourself take charge again... In fact, I think by posting on this forum you're helping yourself get better. Once you get an irrational thought confined to language it's easier to look at it and see it for what it is. I really hope that you start to feel more in control, even without meds, as you explore what it is that's going on in your life. For what it's worth, I think you're very brave and honest. Those are good qualities. I'm pleased to know you.

That's why I've given up on antidepressants - I've been on so many that I've just lost faith that they will work for me. It doesn't help that there's this hole in my head where my brain is rotting away. I don't know whether my brain started rotting which then caused the 'psychotic depression' or whether it was all the meds I've been on that have 'damaged' my brain... So there's this feeling that I'm irreparably 'broken' which just seems to be proved by my unresponsiveness to meds

I don't know...I wish I believed that this would happen for me too...

I'm really scared about my appt, even though it's ages away. I think it's cos I have to see the same pdoc who dismissed me when I first said that I'd started hearing voices. I know this time that it SHOULD be different, cos my Mum knows and believes me and I have a report from my last pdoc mentioning the voices and 'delusions' cos he believed me - so she should have no choice but to believe me this time round...but I still feel so small and scared

Writing down my concerns is a good idea and might help empower me, which is what I desperately need. When I first saw my last pdoc I went in with a chronology of when the voices started and what meds I was on at the time etc, so that he would believe me and could see that it was not related to a single med but persistent. It's easy with the voices cos I know they're not real, but the "delusions" have me totally convinced (and they weren't helped by my antipsychotic).

I don't know... I just know that I'll get in there and retreat into my shell and barely be able to string a sentence together I just get so nervous! And I worry about 'deserving' the pdoc's time and attention, and not really being sick, well sick enough to need meds & support, and then I just think that I don't deserve to get better anyway so i shouldn't even bother wasting the appt slot. I want to cancel, but I know my Mum would go bananas - she's already cross about how far away it is and has got the GP to chase an earlier appt cos she's so worried, and I don't want to make her more stressed out

Thank you mgran It's helped soooo much to post here and be understood. My Mum tries really hard but she just doesn't understand how strongly I believe that I'm a bad person and that my brain is rotting etc and so can't just 'ignore' it. And it's also really nice to be able to post and feel heard (I had to stop seeing my uni counsellor when I left, who was really supportive) cos who knows when/if I'll get to see an NHS T! So thank you again mgran

*Willow*

Most people respond to drugs when the doctor gets it right... it can take time though. I was 38 before they hit upon a way to help me. Mind you, I was in complete denial for about two decades, if I'd been honest from the start a lot of stress and misery could have been avoided.

It's horrible when they don't believe you, or try to hurry you out the door because they've already made their minds up. I had an appointment like that last year. He was done with me in five minutes, and I'd paid a twenty pound round trip to get there. Fortunately he moved on, and my next pdoc actually listened. They can be very conservative people, and reluctant to slap a label on someone. This is why your documentation of your symptoms is so helpful.

You're entitled to a patient advocate to help you, but since you don't have one yet (your pnurse should really start getting things together for you) have you considered asking your Mum to come along? Even if she doesn't understand what you're going through, she seems like she wants to understand, and is on your side. I've had a patient advocate go with me for various interviews etc, and even when I froze up and the room went spacey and far away she was able to argue my case for me. Don't worry if you do freeze up by the way... I think that's a common experience.
What antipsychotic are you on? And how long for? It took a while after my hallucinations were under control for the psychotic thinking to disappear. One problem is that the delusional thinking can become a habit, and antipsychotics don't break habits... perhaps if you could get some talk therapy, it might help. It's not all about meds... I've got art therapy once a week, when I sit next to other women in the same situation as myself, we get hands on and mucky with paint and plaster etc, and can talk about our issues without it being so overwhelmingly a Therapy Session. (You know how intimidating it is talking to a psychiatrist... well, a formal group therapy session seems even more alarming! There are other therapies though... as time goes on you should be able to access some of thes in your area.
You might freeze up, it's not an uncommon reaction. And I've read on this forum so much that people feel guilty about asking for help, and don't think they're bad enough. I still sometimes feel that, for example, considering myself so well now that I'm cheating by asking for help. I've even had that thing where you think, "I'm better now, I can come off the meds..." It's a struggle.


Thank you mgran It's helped soooo much to post here and be understood. My Mum tries really hard but she just doesn't understand how strongly I believe that I'm a bad person and that my brain is rotting etc and so can't just 'ignore' it. And it's also really nice to be able to post and feel heard (I had to stop seeing my uni counsellor when I left, who was really supportive) cos who knows when/if I'll get to see an NHS T! So thank you again mgran

*Willow*[/quote]
I still really think that your Mum could be your best advocate. She mightn't understand you, but by God, she loves you. Regarding the fear of your brain rotting... again that kind of thought is surprisingly common. I thought I had a brain tumour at one point (July, August of last year) until they switched me over to seroquel. Took a couple of weeks, and then one day I woke up, and didn't "feel" my tumour anymore. It was never there by the way... they ran all manner of blood tests on me for all manner of things. Similarly I'm sure that the belief that your brain is rotting isn't true. The most likely explanation for the persistence of this particular delusional thought is that people who suffer from it are thinking in concrete metaphors. You know that the organ you think with and perceive the world with isn't working properly. You feel helpless to change it, and begin to fear that the damage is systemic, and your fears become expressed in a genuine belief that something horrible is happening to your brain. There are lots of different ways this fear can be expressed... but again, I think it's a symptom of your illness, and you should make sure somehow that the doctor knows about this.

Importantly... keep on talking. And I'll keep on listening as best I can. If I ever make a mistake about what you're thinking or feeling, let me know... I don't want to put words in your mouth. But I really do want to be here for you.

Would it help for your mother to read this thread?

I have tinnitus as well. Well I think I have it. I heard this noise in my ear but I can't really explain. I'm used to it.

Thanks mgran

I can understand being in denial cos accepting that you're mentally ill isn't the easiest thing to do cos it totally changes your self-perception, or it did for me anyway. I was training to become the doctor, not the patient!!

At least now you've hit on some meds that work for you. I guess that I have to try and believe that there is a way of getting better, most likely meds & T, but it really is hard to see light at the end of this very long tunnel. Plus, I guess that I have to actually believe that I deserve help!

I've had so many bad pdocs that I have lost count, ones that were bored with my presence, had cr@p communication skills, and ones that didn't believe me. Unfortunately there are very few good pdocs out there who went into psychiatry for honourable reasons. The rest are '50%ers' (people who only just passed their exams and couldn't hack another area of medicine) - I know of 2 drs in my cohort who are going into psych because they can't hack medicine or surgery!

I've already asked my mum to come with me so that she can talk for me when I freeze up (not if). She's been very good in the past at fighting for me cos I've given up. I just don't have the energy and motivation for this kind of thing. If someone doesn't want to help me or believe me, then I just crawl back under my rock - I won't stand up and make a fuss until someone listens. Probably cos I don't really believe that I deserve listening to

I was on aripiprazole/abilify. I've been on it since the end of Nov, but I've taken AGES to titrate up from 2mg cos I'm so sensitive to side effects and my pdoc didn't want me to freak out and stop like I did with the risperidone (I wasn't allowed to do my course unless I was on an antipsychotic with my antidepressant - patient safety, even though I would've NEVER done anything to hurt someone else). I got to 10mg at the end of March, but then stopped it just over 3wks later, so I know logically that I haven't given it enough time and 10mg may still be too low...I'm just scared to restart it

I kind of want to wait and hear what my pdoc says about the whole thing. Maybe I'm hoping she'll say "you're not crazy; you don't need meds!" (though where would that leave me then?!) But my appt is over a month away and I can't handle the uncertainty of what to do for that long. Maybe I'll do a list of pros and cons to restarting it - that normally helps clear my thoughts up a bit.

I absolutely HATE the idea of group T! All those people, and having to share such private, embarrassing stuff...ugh! Your art therapy group sounds interesting though - is that on the NHS or through something like MIND?

Yeah I totally understand that. I often feel like I'm taking up too much space on this planet and want to make myself as small and unassuming as possible so I don't bother anyone else in any way. With the antipsychotic I think "Great I don't hear voices now...I probably never did...I don't need this" which was what happened 3wks ago, and the voices came straight back And I also feel that I should be able to cope with my problems without meds, like I'm 'cheating' at life by taking them...ugh!

Concrete metaphors -yeah I can understand that. I know reading about psychotic depression, it says that thoughts about bits of your body rotting away is very common, so on one level I 'know' it's a symptom. It's so hard though that the thing that you use to figure out problems and understand stuff (your brain) is the very thing that's causing all the problems - I get sooo confused contemplating that one! I'm glad that you now know that you didn't have a brain tumour. I know how scary that must have been for you

Thank you so so much mgran You are so kind to listen to me and respond

Um, I'm not sure about that. I feel ashamed enough as it is

Thanks again mgran

*Willow*

I got curious enough that I went out on the Internet and found recordings of what other people's tinnitus sounds like. Of course, you can't really record it, but some people have tried to use a synthesizer to simulate it. Apparently there are a lot of different versions. Some people have some awful ones, even including the sound of a hearbeat. Not sure how I'd feel about that. I did find one that was close to mine, but now I can't find it again.

I agree it's hard to describe it. Mine is a high pitched buzz. Sometimes there's a very high pitched whine along with the buzz. Occasionally there's a chirp or two. I've noticed it's louder or more prominent when I'm tired or stressed.

Every autumn in the area where a live, a huge number of cicadas populate the trees and buzz. It's sounds almost exactly like my tinnitus, except mine is quieter and doesn't pulse as much. When it happens it gives me the weird sensation that my tinnitus has moved outside of my head.

Here's the sound of the cicada that lives in my area: http://www.musicofnature.org/songsof..._tibiprui.html

http://www.nbcactionnews.com/dpp/new...unds-of-summer

There's the self stigma to contend with, not just what others think of you, but what you think of yourself. Have you considered though that you'll be a better doctor in the end because you can truly empathise with the patient? A lot of very good therapists actually have suffered mental health problems themselves.

You don't need a lot of faith, just enough to get through the next five minutes. It will get easier.
You deserve help, even if you don't believe it. Imagine someone else in your situation. Wouldn't you consider them a victim, and in need of help? Of course you would. Look at yourself from a different viewpoint, as a patient. That might help.

That would explain so much!!!

I'm really glad you have your Mum. She believes you deserve listening to, and she'll make sure that you're heard.

I can understand that fear. Was there something about the rispiridone that freaked you out? When I started it I felt buzzy in my legs and feet, and weirdly weary.
Sounds like you're being very sensible about it. Writing your thoughts down will help you clarify things, and gives you something constructive to do in the mean time.

Good grief... an emergency appointment a month away... imagine if it took that long for an ambulance to respond to a nine nine nine call!

It's through MIND.
You take up exactly the amount of space that God gave you on the planet. You have the same right to breath, and live and move that anyone else has.

Again, looking at for a potential positive, when you've recovered (and hold onto the hope that you will... chances are really good with modern medication and therapies) you will really be able to sympathise with others suffering from that kind of delusion.

Thank you for being so open and honest... maybe someone will read this thread and it will give them confidence.

Nothing to be ashamed of. (((hug)))

You are very wise mgran. Thank you

I do hope so mgran. Before I dropped out of uni, I was planning on going into psychiatry, specifically working with children. But now that's out of the window, I'm hoping to start a part time psychology degree this autumn with the Open University. I think I'd like to eventually go to grad school and become a child psychologist, but that will probably require me to be better for me to be able to manage...

I know, it's terrible isn't it.

I started on 1mg, so not a particularly high dose, and initially felt relaxed. Like the things that normally stressed me out eg presenting a patient to my consultant just didn't bother me. However by the 2nd or 3rd day, my brain felt fuzzy and I couldn't string a sentence together, and I started freaking out cos I couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't cos everything felt so fuzzy. My counsellor told me to half the dose and rang my pdoc to let him know what was going on. We tried it at 0.5mg, but everything was still really fuzzy and I was so scared about not knowing what was real (bearing in mind I was still trying to function as a final yr medstudent!)...and so I stopped it. My pdoc kicked off when he found out. I was refusing to take another antipsychotic cos I was so freaked out by it, but I couldn't stay on my course unless I followed his treatment plan, so I (very) reluctantly agreed to try abilify/aripirazole, and thankfully that wasn't so bad.

Yes I'm definitely going to do that and then show the list to my Mum so she can see where I'm coming from. And hopefully I'll then know what to do regarding the whole to-take-or-not-to-take-antipsychotic.

Well I've already waited a month so it'll be 2 months in total. It's totally useless, I know.

Hmmm, I'll have to look into something like that.

Thank you mgran

*Willow*

Hi WeepingWillow23,

I found this old thread via Google. I think I have exactly the same kind of background thoughts-noise in my head like you. I'm really anxious about this thing. It's OK, when I'm watching TV or talking to someone, but when I do nothing, it's like a constant muttering in my mind. I can pick out some phrases and words, but mostly it's incomprehensible.

Let me ask you if it has gone for you?

Hi AlexSh - welcome to PC!

I'd forgotten all about this problem! The noise and inability to think at the same time went away after a few weeks - I think it was due to stopping my meds cold turkey (never a good idea lol). Have you had any med changes lately?

With regards to the muttering, it developed into actual voices that I can hear either inside or outside of my head. This May I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I'm not saying the same would happen to you, but it would definitely be worth getting to see a dr for a physical and then a psychiatrist if that's all clear, assuming you don't already have one.

I also find distraction helpful, but when it all gets too much I find really loud music through headphones can drown out the noise/voices and help me relax.

All the best

*Willow*

Hi willow, I hope this isn't redundant as I've only read the first page and last post.
I understand exactly what you mean, and in fact I think you said it better than I ever have. I've tried explaining this to my T a bunch of times but I never know the right words.
The only way I can describe it is- At times it can almost feel like I have no thoughts in my head because theres a noise I can't really hear interrupting my thoughts. Sometimes it's almost like a combination of all the noises imaginable, and like a vast empty noise at the same time. When someone is talking to me and this happens I register that they're talking but I don't understand/ hear what they say. when it happens and I'm talking, I completely lose my thoughts.
For me, it also developed into actual voices and other noises both inside and outside my head. It always depends on a lot of things, but sometimes I get the voices and other times I get the empty noise.
This also got really bad for me when I quit about 8 meds cold turkey in 2011, in fact I got really really sick, mentally and physically. I'm a lot better now, but I still get it, and for me music only makes it worse