[mokie]

Just needed to vent. Sorry in advance but knowing that others here can understand me more then anyone of my two friends helps.

Well I now know why my previous psych has said I am permenantly disabled. I can not handle any little stress in life. Just depending on where I am at in bp. I also now realize that I do lose control of how I handle stress becoming irritable, lashing out without thinking of the outcome, not able to process thought before or after my actions.

I have a friend of many years who by chance his cousin became my new neighbor. My friend did not even know that we were neighbors till he visited him. I felt like this was an act of God cause I have found out that his cousin was also dealing with bipolar. I was in a desperate state in trying to deal with finally coming to terms of this illness. So me and him and his family were always bragging to everyone how God had intending us to cross each others life right then in there. He needed help starting life here and I needed help with finally finding someone who could understand what I am in. Everything was going good and why not God had his hand in all this. Now I regret every meeting him. I now feel like how can I expect others to treat me normal, give me a chance to succeed or any oppurtunity in life. I mean I wanted to be there for him or anyone else. To have others give us with this illness a chance to shine. He got into a business with my husband cause he said he had one before (he did) but now I think he lived in a fantasy land, which he said he made lots of money. I have to give him credit though he does great work when stable. He told us how much we could make together. I should of known from how I blow things up in my ideas to the extreme at times. I guess this is the thinking of being in a grandose state. Well things did not end up as the picture he made it all out to be. I should of known from my illness that I can not be reliable at times, I do give it my all but things went wrong and now my husband my be sued for his actions. All this makes me realize why normal humans who don't have an illness like us think so different of us who do or even fear us for being ill. Especially since they don't educate themselves on how some of us can be good at living as normal as we can but with help. I feel so discouraged now. I mean how can I expect others to treat me fair and not judge me for my illness. When I can't do the same with my neighbor now. I feel now that I can't trust anyone. I can't be there like I used to. Paranoid that normal or not you can't trust anyone. Now I am left with out trust in life but my husband and daughter. Is this wrong? or Is this just my illness? How can I move on from here? Well I ever trust again? Should I ever trust again? Was I wrong in thinking that God sent him to me? Was this just, not sure what the word is for this state of mind? Did I over react with telling him I can no longer be his friend and help him finacially? I felt so kind that I paid for too many things like rent, bills to live and food for him and his family.

Sorry so long. This has thrown me into a huge loop of up and down emotions, parania, anxiety, irritablity and everything else. Any words of understanding and helping me see that I am ok or wrong, whatever would be appreciated. Having a hard time right now and don't see psych till end of July. By the way forgive me as well if I don't make sense. Thanks for just letting me vent. At least I now have a place where I feel that others can at least understand or be ther for me. Still new here hope I did this right. (parania you know)

[mgran]

Gosh... I'm sorry that you have to wait so long to see your psych. It sounds to me like you're doing a sensible thing not extending credit to him anymore at the moment. For future reference, wouldn't it be a good idea to have your husband as your financial executor, to oversee your financial decisions for you? I've finally decided to do this with my brother... any big decisions have to go through him, since in the past I've given away a LOT of money, and spent lots of it on ... well... stupid things.

Sounds like mania caught up with you a bit. But the thing is, DON'T blame yourself for that, it's just a feature of your illness. Someone near you should have caught it in time. This is why getting your husband involved, and trusting HIM to be your look out is the best idea.

As for trusting others... boy, I'm not the right person to ask. I'd love to trust people, and sometimes I do... but when I don't it really hurts. Without knowing the people involved I'm afraid I can't tell you whether to trust them or not.

But don't feel bad about the fact that others, not just you, thought this was a God thing. Who's to say it wasn't? Perhaps you needed a "kick in the pants" to work out protective mechanisms for you and your family. Perhaps the other guy needed a wake up call likewise... I don't know. I do know that some of the worst things that ever happened to me ended up having "God thing" consequences.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by mokie

... This has thrown me into a huge loop of up and down emotions, parania, anxiety, irritablity and everything else. Any words of understanding and helping me see that I am ok or wrong, whatever would be appreciated. Having a hard time right now and don't see psych till end of July....

Mokie, I'm really sorry to see you in such pain.
Mgran made some excellent comments.
I don't know your history enough to gauge your current state, but my sense is that waiting another 2 months before you see your psychiatrist is putting you at risk. You are clearly in distress, and possibly in a mixed manic state, or rapidly heading there (sleeplessness is a very good indicator). If it is impossible to get an emergency appointment this week, I suggest you visit a hospital to have your needs assessed rather than braving it on your own for another 2 months.

If I have misunderstood your situation, please forgive me. But I am really concerned about you.

[mokie]

mgran, Thanks for replying. The funny thing is that I have power of attorney for all my mothers affairs. I have the control of everything down to the last penny. I have to manage several rental properties for her. It has not been easy since my parents were the type to patch a hole with bubble gum if they could get away with it. My husband and I rather take care if the issue correctly the first time then having to go back and spend a lot of time and money over and over. My husband does have control over what I do with the money. It's just that I become so convincing of having to help others in a bind. My husband gave me a chance to improve or get help in my illness so I would like to do that with others. Now I will be only lending an ear and not lending a dime.

I to think I am going towards mania. It got really bad later. All noise around me was hurting my ears. Eating tacos were so loud as well. My head started to feel dizzy, My body felt like it had a heart beat all over. I started to try to eat and I could not figure it out. I was going to get salad then I ended up in closet, then was what was I going to get, went back to get salad and then I sat down with out it. I kept asking hubby to help me cause I could not prepare my dinner. It makes me crazy when I can't complete a simpily task but I turned it around and just laughed about it. Was trying not to let it get to me like before. I will see who I can get some help with this before July.

Tsunamisurfer, Yes I agree the sleeplesness is a good indicator. As a matter a fact I started in bed at 3 am took ambien, benadryl and buspar. I feel sleepy but body wants to keep going. Told my husband back to trying to get into a daily rotuine. I had missed the mixed state or mania but now I think I rather feel the numb side of the pills. Maybe I will never be happy either way. At least now I can tell where I am going and try to find some how to get back to my normal state. You did not misunderstand me. Thanks for being concerned. That is really nice of you. I never had friends who were concerned of my state of health.

Well I am going to try and take a long nap so I can try to get back on track. Wish my luck on my journey to finding my normal state at least for me. Talk soon and both of you take care.