[KUREHA]

I had an interview for college this week, it went ok - but it was pretty long, I needed to put like a front on and I did it anyway.

Today I went out with my knife for the first time, it's only small - because that size is ok to carry in the UK, my doctor was right though, I didn't feel totally safe with it.

I kind of feel like I let my psychologist down though, I don't see her anymore - but it just feels like I have. It's just more people are involved now.

[costello]

It's good to hear from you. I've thought about you and wondered how you were doing.

Originally Posted by KUREHA

I needed to put like a front on and I did it anyway.

Glad you went. And it's ok to put on a front. My younger son's therapist used to say, "Fake it til you make it."

Today I went out with my knife for the first time, it's only small - because that size is ok to carry in the UK, my doctor was right though, I didn't feel totally safe with it.

No, it won't make you feel safer, and it's a potential danger on several levels. Please leave it at home from now on.

I kind of feel like I let my psychologist down though, I don't see her anymore - but it just feels like I have. It's just more people are involved now.

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sure you didn't let her down, but just having me say that probably doesn't help much, does it? My son frets about things like that too.

[KUREHA]

I was ill last week – that’s why I hadn’t been on.

Yeah that's right at least college didn’t go to bad – just I couldn’t do the test, so I do it next week instead.

I had my knife because of the sleeper cells – they have more people involved, been getting followed by people in grey cars as well now, I feel a bit safer, but not as much as I thought I would. My doctor said it would be like that, then I’d start to feel less safe again, so that just having it wouldn’t be enough. He said to calll if I ever took it out – but I don’t think that would be helpful for me.

I still feel like I let my psychologist down though, part of the reason is she said she wouldn’t see me if I ever took the knife out, but since I don’t get to see her anymore – I just wanted to feel safe.

[costello]

I'm sorry you've been sick. Glad you're feeling better.

Originally Posted by KUREHA

My doctor said it would be like that, then I’d start to feel less safe again, so that just having it wouldn’t be enough.

Your doctor is right. Remnds me of a story Pema Chodron tells in one of her books of the elderly parents of one of her friends. They moved to a gated retirement community, because they were afraid of burglars. Pretty soon they were afraid to leave home, because someone might hurt them outside the gates. Then they started to be afraid of the workmen who were allowed past the gates to work on things.

Fear just breeds more fear. I've said it before and I'll say it again. When you give into fear, it gets bigger. You have to face it and deal with it. Taking the knife out is giving in to it. Like the people in the gated community, you feel a bit better at first, but soon you're even more afraid.

He said to calll if I ever took it out – but I don’t think that would be helpful for me.

I think he needs to know.

I still feel like I let my psychologist down though, part of the reason is she said she wouldn’t see me if I ever took the knife out, but since I don’t get to see her anymore – I just wanted to feel safe.

You mean you let her down by taking the knife out? I can see why you would feel that way, but please don't. You need to leave the knife at home for yourself. Here's what might go wrong:

1. Someone will take the knife away from you and hurt you with it.
2. You'll hurt someone because you believe they're a sleeper cell but they're really innocent.
3. You'll accidently hurt yourself with it.
4. People will find out you're carrying a knife around and believe you're dangerous and act against you accordingly (e.g., hospitalize you).

I'm more afraid of those things than I am of the sleeper cells.

[KUREHA]

Yeah that story makes sense.

I know a lot of things could happen when I have my knife with me, but I think the most I'd do is pull it out, not so much that I'd use it.

I'm scared to tell my doctor in case he starts thinking of hospital like last time. My friend doesn't think I should tell them anything. I might just tell him I've been thinking about it more instead.

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

I'm scared to tell my doctor in case he starts thinking of hospital like last time. My friend doesn't think I should tell them anything. I might just tell him I've been thinking about it more instead.

I understand your fear. It's a very real possibility. That's one of the things that frustrates me about forced hospitalization and forced medication. It makes the patient less likely to share important information with the doctor. How can he help you if he doesn't know what's going on? But how can you feel safe enough to share when you're under threat of being locked up?

Whatever you decide about your doctor, please leave the knife at home. You certainly don't want the pdoc to learn that you're carrying a knife around with you, because you're injured or thrown in jail.

[KUREHA]

It's part of the reason I ended up in hospital last time.

I just want to be safe - I might just call and say I can't go out without and ask what I should do.

My friend thinks it's cool and if I pull it out the police can't charge me because I'll know it's a sleeper cell, but they are involved and I don't want to do it to the wrong person.

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

I might just call and say I can't go out without and ask what I should do.

That's a good compromise.

My friend thinks it's cool and if I pull it out the police can't charge me because I'll know it's a sleeper cell, but they are involved and I don't want to do it to the wrong person.

I agree with you. It would be risky to assume you wouldn't be charged if you pulled a knife on someone.

[KUREHA]

I spoke to my nurse she said it wasnt worth going out with a knife, because I'd only get into trouble or get hurt myself. Only my friend that thinks I should.

I felt a bit ok outside today, think it was the alcohol, it's wore off now and I feel worse, so wish I hadn't had any now.

[mgran]

If your friend is advising you to take out a knife with you, then your friend is an idiot. Sorry... but it's your safety, not that of your friend, which is put at risk by carrying a knife about. The risk of injury to self, or an innocent other is great, and if you're discovered to be carrying it the risk of involuntary incarceration in a hospital is very great... almost inevitable in fact. Ignore your friend on this one. I've been involved in my fair few fist fights, and been arrested... I'm just glad I didn't have a knife, since it would have made things go far, far worse.

[KUREHA]

He's an ex friend again now. He's The one that was using me, worked out he's a sleeper cell, I got told not to trust him.

Didn't take out my knife last time I went out, but would have felt a bit better with it, but I don't know how to stay safe without it. My nurse just said to go home when I get anxious, but the college has a lot of cameras. Not sure what to do about it. I just get followed, but the knife I dont know what to do

[mgran]

Just remember that you're safer without the knife. Presuming for a moment (I'm not saying that I believe this, but I'm trying to look at it from your point of view) that you were actually being followed by sleeper cells, they are not going to be scared off by one knife. In fact, the possession of such a thing puts you in a dangerous position, where they could use the knife against you... It would give them the ammunition they need to incarcerate you.

Now, I don't think that the sleeper cells are real, but I do know that they are real to you, and that you worry about them. I think you have less to worry about if you don't bring weapons into the equation. Genuinely, I think you're much safer unarmed than armed.

Is there any other item that might make you feel safe, that isn't going to get you in trouble with the law or the medical profession?

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

the college has a lot of cameras. Not sure what to do about it.

I work at a university, and we have a lot of cameras here too. They're just there to help with security and keep the crime level down.

If it makes you feel any better, those cameras probably don't work very well. I had a borrowed car on campus a month or so ago, and someone scratched it. I called security and they said they couldn't see my car with their cameras. Too many trees. Hmph! So much for security.

[KUREHA]

I know you're right about the knife - I don't even feel totally safe with it - just more prepared. I've been leaving it at home, but I really wanted it with me.

It would give the police a better reason when they try to set me up as well - I suppose, but there is no other weapon to help me, so I'm not sure .

I'm not sure how the cameras at college work, but I know the cameras that watch me, could use the college cameras to watch me.

The security sucks at college as well, that was happening to cars there, they only seem to want 80+ year old security guards as well, would probably die on the way.

[Shoe]

I live in a place where dog bites happen quite often. Dogs run free here and every once and a while an aggressive dog or a group of them will charge at me. At such times I used to look down at the ground for a rock to pick up but sometimes there is none to be found. I found several nice size round throwing rocks that I keep in my pockets when I go for walks now. It gives me a sense of security knowing that I am not totally defenseless against a very real threat.
Sleeper cells exist in the world unfortunately, but I think that they are pretty few and far in between. Another thing about pulling a knife on someone is that they could turn around and pull a gun on you. That is something I don't have to worry about with the dogs down here.

Originally Posted by mgran

Just remember that you're safer without the knife. Presuming for a moment (I'm not saying that I believe this, but I'm trying to look at it from your point of view) that you were actually being followed by sleeper cells, they are not going to be scared off by one knife. In fact, the possession of such a thing puts you in a dangerous position, where they could use the knife against you... It would give them the ammunition they need to incarcerate you.

Now, I don't think that the sleeper cells are real, but I do know that they are real to you, and that you worry about them. I think you have less to worry about if you don't bring weapons into the equation. Genuinely, I think you're much safer unarmed than armed.

Is there any other item that might make you feel safe, that isn't going to get you in trouble with the law or the medical profession?

[KUREHA]

Yeah that's why I want to for security.

Not many people carry guns here, just the wannabe gangsters, don't know what the sleeper cells have though.
There are lots of sleeper cells though, they recruit more people to join with them.

[KUREHA]

My doctor and nurse are cool about the knife, so can take it when I need it.
They increased my medication though and are going to educate me and my parents about my illness.

[mgran]

What meds have they put you on?

[KUREHA]

Still abilify

[mgran]

I understand that makes people very sleepy... my ex was on it, and he said it made him feel awful, like a puppet with the strings cut. He went off it very quickly.

I wonder is there anything less "dopey" they could try instead?

[KUREHA]

That's weird, it does make me tired, but my doctor said it was the least sedating of all anti psychotics.

[mgran]

Sometimes I think we get tired anyway... it's tiring being frightened all the time.

I know seroquel is really knocking me out.

But regarding how sedating my ex found abilify... he's a very big man, so they put him on a high dosage. I think it was the suddeness of the dosage that got him... perhaps he'd have been better if they'd titrated him up gradually.

[KUREHA]

Yeah probably is.

My doctor always starts low and keeps it as low as possible.
Got 6 months left with them

[costello]

I adopted my younger son (not the one with schizophrenia) from foster care as a teen. He's now 19 and having issues with aggression and anger. (He was raised in a very violent home until he was removed at age 8 1/2.) He's under court supervision and is court-ordered to take anger management classes.

He's living with his girlfriend's family. They're talking about kicking him out, because he's attacked the gf a couple of times. The last time was the worst. He held her down with his arm around her throat and told her he could break her neck and he didn't care if he went to prison.

Anyway it's all coming to a head for him now. He's about to lose his living situation, and he may end up in jail. So he called me yesterday and asked me to hook him up with a pdoc. He specifically said he wanted Abilify. (He was on a number of different meds when he was in foster care, so he's familiar with them.) So I guess he likes Abilify.

I also know a guy with schizophrenia who claims Abilify saved him. He's been stable for 8 years on it when other meds didn't help him. I wonder if it may have stopped working, though. I didn't hear from him for a long time, and his phone was cut off. He emailed me a couple of weeks ago to say he was having a hard time and had been hospitalized. I responded, but he never wrote back. So he may not be doing so well now. That seems to be all too common with medications. Even if they work for a while, they seem to fail eventually.

[KUREHA]

Abilify is ok for side effects for me.
It just doesn't seem to do anything, my doctor said it was just too low though, so maybe it will now.

It's helping a bit with the anxiety anyway.