[costello]

Off-topic I know, but my younger son (not the one with the sz dx) was arrested yesterday for domestic battery. It makes me sad. I know he's been working hard on controlling his physical aggression. Just recently we were driving past the jail, and he announced he was never going back there again. And now he's there.

His bio family was very violent, so he has the habit of acting out aggressively when very angry. I worked so hard on teaching him to refrain from violence, and I know he's continuing to work on it, but sometimes it's not enough - the anger overwhelms him.

At least it wasn't fists. The cop said it was a pushing and pulling kind of thing, and the girl was actively involved too. I just hope he sees it as a temporary setback and keeps trying to get it under control.

Sorry for posting in the sz and psychosis section, but this is where I know people who can offer some comfort. And we did just talk in this section about skillful ways to manage anger.

[mgran]

Awh, Costello, I'm so sorry to hear this.

Just to let you know, my Dad had a very bad temper when he was younger, he and my mother would often get into physical fights. It sounds similar to your son's situation... it was about fifty fifty who was doing the fighting, and it was usually triggered by my mother's illness. (At the time we didn't understand what was wrong with her.) But it made life quite difficult.

Anyway, after he was widowed he met a new lady, and he very much didn't want the relationship to fail, so he joined anger management classes. He hasn't raised a hand in over twenty years. So, no matter what the popular myths are, men can learn to control their tempers, and find other ways to cope with stress.

I got this book for my son... it's not quite appropriate for him, because of his age, and because his anger manifests as depression, but it's got some very good excercises etc in it, which might help your son.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1569246211

I hope you're okay in yourself. Your son is young, he is still learning. Keep hoping for him. I do too.

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

I got this book for my son...

The book looks interesting. I should get TWO. One for each son.

I hope you're okay in yourself.

I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm pretty stressed about bonding him out this evening. (How much will it be? Will I be able to afford it? Where will he spend the night? Will he respect his conditions of release? etc., etc., etc.) So... currently I would describe myself as very, very, very irritable! But this is a good thing, right? Gives me a chance to practice being mindful and transforming my negative emotions. And helps make me more compassionate toward my son when he's irritable.

Kind of funny-- I told my son (the older one, with sz) that it isn't that the whole world is irritating. It's just that he's feeling irritable, and he's projecting that feeling out on to the world. Boy, howdy! It's sure easy to say that when you're not the one feeling irritable. It feels to me like everyone in the whole world turned into frustrating, slow-moving idiots over night!

[costello]

Originally Posted by costello

Gives me a chance to practice being mindful and transforming my negative emotions. And helps make me more compassionate toward my son when he's irritable.

Oh, I wanted to add, that so far I've been successfully practicing mindfulness today. Here's a partial list of the people I have not eviscerated today:

1. My colleague who thought that U.S.D. 229 was some kind of esoteric legal citation when from the context any idiot could see it meant Unified School District 229.

2. Same colleague from no. 1 who persisted in her erroneous belief even after I told her what U.S.D. 229 means and then proved it to her by locating the case in question and pointing out the words "Unified School District 229" to her.

3. The guy at the gym who insisted on walking directly behind me when I was walking laps, even though there was a whole big circuit to walk on and virtually no one else present.

4. Whoever hung their coat up next to mine on the coatrack, pushing my coat in at such an awkward angle that I knocked two other coats to the floor while retrieving mine.

5. The people at the McDonalds drive through who had me pull aside and wait 5 minutes for my order.

6. The old lady that I got stuck behind who was driving 30 in a 40 mph zone.

7. My coworker who took a year backing out of her parking spot while I waited for her.

All of the above persons are still alive and unharmed despite their obviously provoking behavior. In fact, I'll bet none of them even know I was seriously annoyed by them. (Well, the McDonalds guy might know, because I rolled my eyes when he told me I'd have to wait.)

[costello]

Called the jail at 4. They're backed up in the courtroom, so she said to call after 5 to see what the bond amount is.

I guess gf's dad called the police. Gf and gf's mom want him back. What they don't understand is that the court isn't going to allow that. I'm sure it will be a condition of release that he not have contact with the victims or return to the house. And if I'm going to pony up $1000 to bond him out, I don't want to lose my money because he's caught violating his agreement.

It really is a sucky system, and I'm sure it encourages people not to call the police on domestic situations.

[RunningEagleRuns]

It must be tough to go through. I hope everything works out for you. See you!

[mgran]

It sounds like such a difficult situation. I hope all goes well. Could the girlfriend and her mother not appear in court to explain the situation?

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

It sounds like such a difficult situation. I hope all goes well. Could the girlfriend and her mother not appear in court to explain the situation?

They don't take that kind of testimony at a bond hearing. But... here's what happened. They just let him go! According to my son they were "overstocked." They had about 60 people with felony charges against them. So they took the people with misdemeanors like my son and told them they were free to go. No charges. Justice is weird.

It's a relief, but now I'm irritated with myself for getting so worked up. I slept badly and stressed all day. For nothing. Sigh!

[costello]

Originally Posted by RunningEagleRuns

It must be tough to go through. I hope everything works out for you. See you!

Thanks, RER. It was a rough day. I managed to make myself sick over nothing. Probably aged myself 3 years.

[mgran]

Wow, that was incredibly lucky... but what an indictment of the legal system. I really hope your son will see it as the lucky break it was, and will work on not getting into such a bind again.

And Costello, of course you worried!!! How could you not... this is your son. Anyone would make themselves ill with worry in such a situation. Glad everything worked out... but please God it doesn't happen again.

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

Wow, that was incredibly lucky... but what an indictment of the legal system. I really hope your son will see it as the lucky break it was, and will work on not getting into such a bind again.

I hope he sees it too. Gf's mom told me he's been doing really well with the anger management and yesterday's meltdown was an aberration. Let's hope he sticks with it.

And Costello, of course you worried!!! How could you not... this is your son. Anyone would make themselves ill with worry in such a situation. Glad everything worked out... but please God it doesn't happen again.

Gf's mom called me to their house right after the police arrived (as if I could change anything!). I arrived just in time to see my son, with handcuffs on, being put into the patrol car. Not something to brighten one's day.

[mgran]

Good Lord, I'm really sorry you had to see him hauled away. You must have been shaking with fear and anger at that. The urge to clobber a police man must have been pretty stark... hope you've managed to calm down some. I imagine it takes a while to wind down after something like that.

[KUREHA]

I'm glad it worked out ok - well in the end anyway.

[costello]

Originally Posted by mgran

Good Lord, I'm really sorry you had to see him hauled away. You must have been shaking with fear and anger at that. The urge to clobber a police man must have been pretty stark... hope you've managed to calm down some. I imagine it takes a while to wind down after something like that.

Actually I've seen both of my sons arrested and handcuffed at various times. The shock value has long since worn off. And I can't feel angry with the cops. They're just doing what they do.

I just felt very sad, because he had been doing so well. He was almost through with his court involvement. He's working on his high school diploma. He was staying out of trouble and planning on joining the Army as soon as he has all his ducks in a row. It's just hard to see him backslide. I know it happens, but once you're back involved with the courts your options narrow considerably.

Anyway, he has no new charges. I hope his probation officer doesn't recommend more probation time. That would definitely keep him out of the Army.

These systems are sticky. Once you're caught in them, it's hard to extricate yourself - especially if you have a hard time maintaining your cool.

[costello]

Originally Posted by KUREHA

I'm glad it worked out ok - well in the end anyway.

Yes, it did. Thank heaven.

[mgran]

Gosh, Costello, I've just realised how traumatising things must have been for my son when he was younger. He's seen me arrested and dragged off in cuffs... I wonder which is worse for a kid? However, it's been seven or eight years since I got into a mess like that, and I'm hopeful that I can stay out of jail now... I think I've mellowed as I've got older. I'm also more aware of what sets me off, and stay away from those situations.

I hope army works out well for your son. I know it really does help a lot of young men feel empowered, learn discipline etc. He could learn a trade in the army as well, which would be good. It would be frightening though, as a Mum I could imagine your heart would be in your mouth every time you heard of an action.