im the only one in reality

my father asked me if i really think im so important that people are watching me.

i said "do you really think im not?"
he said "i asked you the question."

i answered him and all that.
but do people really think im living in a fantasy world with people after me voluntarily? isnt a fantasy fun and good for one?
this isnt fun for me...
and this is fact...

look guys. why and how would i brainwash my ownself into thinking people would kill me?

this is what i think:

what my situation is..is what professionals think im psychotic.
psychosis to me..is me having a nervous breakdown from my situation.

my theory
im in hell.
reality is hell.
if someone is out to kill me and thats reality.
im in hell.

Yea, I hear ya newtus. I've felt that life on earth is doin time, then we die. Wow, that takes my fear of going to the underworld away. That is a good thing, I believe.

I had a dr tell me something that was useful to me.

It was, "happiness is being adjusted with doing what needs to be done, in the day to day. While we fulfill our obligations and responsabilities, we can be seperate, kinda. In a happy place, while our earthly body does the dishes and works to pay bills."

that isn't exactly his words, but the intent is the same, I believe.

Fantasy is good. I believe so also.

If fantasy causes someone to be dangerous, it isn't fantasy any more.

If fantasy causes someone to be a danger to themselves, it isn't fantasy anymore.

In those cases, fantasy has become a real, tangable thing; there fore no longer fantasy. Fantasy has become a threat. Threats need to be addressed, it is necessary for our survival to address threats, rather than ignore them(or destroy them).

I've thought the way you are thinking, in your posts.

Just keep listening to people, some might say something that will improve your life.

keep posting. I enjoy reading and responding.

it makes me feel good someone does. though i know you arent the only one here that does too.

but i have been thinking out some theories about hell.
hell being on earth actually matches up with the description given in the bible.
i even have a drawing i made.

the ultimate form of art is suicide.
i think about that too.
just suicide for arts sake. not for deaths sake.

i wore all black today head to toe. black denim jacket. jeans. shoes. socks. with white turtleneck. i had someone ask if i was a priest. obviously not. but i did look quite blessed.

http://s1235.photobucket.com/albums/...t=IMG_1287.jpg

you look awesome. I wish you could feel as peaceful as you appear.

How so?

You look mysterious.

Who took the photo?

i dont know why i said today.
as this is my usual outfit
just without the white shirt.

@hankster
thank you. that was actually a retake picture.
as the first had my eyes really wide..as usual.
so....i retook it...i didnt want to look fearful.
...so i retook it.

its giving your life to art.
its in how you prepare it.

thats what everyone says about me.
used to hate that.
it made me not fit in.
i dont care anymore.

i did.

I think suicide is a vote on existence. People kill themselves when they decide they have no good reason to exist anymore.

Sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like you don't fit it. You look like someone I'd want to talk to you if I saw you at Starbucks.

just to me i meant. but you are right too.

no.
im being very honest when i said i dont care.
i embrace it now actually.


i went to starbucks for the 4th time in my life today.
im not around people a lot.
so when i say ive lived in this area for a long awhile some people are shocked.
probably because my age...
what should i be doing?
partying or something?

I've been to Starbucks twice in my life.

I don't know. I'm not a partier either.

Newtus, that sounds roman, like an ancient roman.

Brutus.

Suicide as art. hmm

I'm not trying to be mean.

There is a good chance I found my Dad hanging from the rafters of his garage.

I was 12.

I was walking toward the garage. The next memory I have is wandering around in the field, aimlessly. My Dads sister came out and took me to his parents house. She found him.

People who suicide, their problems end when they stop breathing and their heart stops and the rest. The rest of us have to replace that person and the responsabilties they had on earth. We have to go on and face are own responsabilities, while we have had a part of our heart amputated with zero anesthesia.

If my Dad knew the hell that replaced him, after his selfish act, I don't believe he would have followed through with it.

He was sick. He needed help. He didn't seek help. WHY?

Newtus, think about what you are doing.

im not suicidal.
i just would like to die by suicide as an artform one day.
the ultimate form of art...

i watched this movie once called "Stay"(2005).
This movie focuses on the attempts of a psychiatrist to prevent one of his patients from committing suicide while trying to maintain his own grip on reality.

theres a twist to it.
but the characters an artist.
he says his favorite artist jumped off the brooklyn bridge on his 21st birthday as the ultimate form of art.
i was thinking thats beautiful.
as i find extreme beauty in death and darkness.
because i see a light in there. a potential light. for potential peace.

i almost committed suicide on my 21st birthday in august.
i really wish i had because my dad almost died from alcohol 2 weeks later if i hadnt saved him.
we both could have been in peace. together. for eternity.
i severely regret not doing it because the everything would have coordinated perfectly.
the only reason i didnt was because part of my plan was to setup a bunch of paintings in a shed and do it there.
but i didnt even start the paintings.

You look like you should be a heroine in a Neil Gaiman graphic novel, a kick *** super hero ninja warrior in league with the Endless.

Seriously, you look really really cool. Even when I was young and beautiful I was never cool. (I'm Irish, so it's physioligically and genetically impossible for me to be cool.) But you look like you could be a feminist icon making waves in the Wild West. You're awesome.

Newtus, suicide is not beautiful, and it's not art. My mother committed suicide. It took her a week to die. She vomitted so much that even in a week her teeth started to erode, went from white to beige. She began to develop a stomach ulcer from the puking.

She started to get better, then her kidney failed. Then her liver failed. She turned yellow... I mean really yellow. The whites of her eyes went yellow. Her back ached and her legs ached from a build up of toxins. The toxins caused her heart pains. She started to have epileptic fits, one after the other, after the other, after the other. Then she had a stroke. Then she got pneumonia.

Then she died.

Not art.

My cousin killed himself last year. He wrote out his suicide note. Then he went to drown himself.

Tied a rock to his foot and jumped into the bay, thinking that the rock would make him sink so he'd drown quickly.

The autopsy proved, by analysis of the blood in his muscles, that he struggled for nearly an hour... the level of lactic acid shows that he didn't drown quickly, but fought for life. This a man who tied a rock to his foot and thought he wanted to go. When it came to his last breath he fought and fought and fought to live.

His body was found a week later, somewhat mangled, on the border between Scotland and England. Took a further week for the autopsy to identify him. He was buried (minus his left foot) almost a month after his death. His left foot separated from his body when the weight he attached to help him drown cut him off at the ankle.

Suicide isn't a form of art. People may have romantic feelings about it, may think it's a creative and beautiful way to protest life's cruelties.

But when my mother, and my cousin, were struggling to breathe in their last moments, my mother piss yellow, and my cousin turning blue in the freezing cold of Dublin bay, I doubt either one of them thought it was an artform.

i understand what your saying.
i see it as both. i mean.
but i am one to see it as art for myself.

i will commit suicide one day.
not for it to be art.
but when time comes why can i not try and just try to make it my art.

and i lied because i dont want anyone to talk me out of it
but i am suicidal. and i am the opposite too.
but i really wanted to refrain from saying such things here.

i obviously cant see certain things in myself strong enough.

it runs through my head everyday since brookwests comment saying i need to get help before i hurt myself or someone else...
...and then i almost go to jail/hospital the very next day.
...because i thought he was just saying that to be mean.
...i thought nothing would happen to me for a very long time actually.
i still dont see a flaw in my thinking except what i have stated in the post above this.
but that i can also feel a nervous breakdown from my situation and i know being here people will understand.

Newtus((hug))

I'm listening to you, it sounds like you want to be the next Van gogh, yet the art you create doesn't look as good as Van goghs art.

I've been playing the guitar, basicly since my dad died. I have wanted to perform as well as Eddie Van Halen or Randy Rhoads. I've met guitarists who put themselves through hell on earth to learn a single vituoso like heavy metal guitar solo. And then what? Go back to their minimum wage paying job, that is what.

I consider myself a successful guitarist. Why? I enjoy perfoming my guitar for my wife, and she enjoys hearing it. Thats why. Do you want your paintings to hang in a gallery and sell for milions one day? We are approaching a possable extinction event on this planet; I believe because we have millions of suicidal and homicidal people who refuse help. THEY ARE FINE WITH DESTROYING EVERYTHING ON PLANET EARTH BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO F*****ING PROUD TO ADMIT THEY ARE IN PAIN AND NEED A HUG AND HELP!

Is that understandable enough for you? Wake up grow up. enough already!

Get help!

Hi newtus: People seem to really freak out when suicide gets mentioned. I think people who are contemplating suicide are really grappling with larger questions like what is the meaning and purpose of their life, what reason is there to go on, what can they do about the pain and misery they're suffering? They're not saying they want their life to be over; they're saying they want their life to change.

Unfortunately if you take that kind of talk to a mental health professional, you're likely to be forcibly committed to a system that will brutalize you at your most vulnerable moment.

Madness Radio has an interview with a man who attempted suicide twice - and when he wasn't attempting suicide, he was thinking about it. He eventually found peace. http://www.madnessradio.net/madness-...ngs-david-webb

I do hope you decide not to kill yourself. There are less permanent ways to transform your pain.

yes i see.
no need to freak out though everyone.
thing about that is.
ive been suicidal since very young age and ive been getting help since a very young age as well.
ive done everything that this system has allowed me to for 10 years now. plus alternatives.
im very used to this feeling now. its there everyday but it is not a problem for me. i do not complain about being suicidal or more. i do not like to say i am suicidal even though i am. because it does not bother me.

and yes.
i know.
this is why i quit saying it to mental health pros.
thing around that is to say i am depressed but not suicidal and i get put on meds.
but its not worth it. and i am not depressed.
people dont realize how neutralized i am about that act. and otherwise.

ive literally got this under control.
i wont say anymore about this because its not a main concern to me.

you are honest. the fact that you are honest and articulate makes me sad. You should have been comforted long ago. instead they gave you pills, i guess. you complained that the pills weren't comfort, they put you in the "you know where"

the message became clear, your need for comfort was annoying to them. they wanted that need to disapear. I know. i have been shunned for the pretty much same foolishness.

comfort yourself newtus. i've sat in halfway houses and lied in bed, comforting myself with the thought of ending my life. I know. it stopped my mind from wondering why i was annoying to people whom i thought loved me. i'll never know.

newtus, i've found a truth buried underneath all this insanity, the world. there is no right. there is no wrong. there is survive or survive or survive or survive shall i go on?

yea, you got thrown away like a piece of trash. i know. i am trash also.. think of yourself as a rat, living in a sewer. its life. so what.

i care about the person you seem to be, from your posts. i recognize myself in you.

in a way, i see you as lucky. some people seem to live lives, denying they want death, and indirectly attempt suicide in full view of everybody, even kids. and everyone cheers. another day on crazy ball 101, earth.

i see you on your way to happiness. i'm crazy so don't believe my rants. i believe i'm right. i'm crazy. i don't know what truth is. right?

your a good guy, newtus. it is your choice, you can feed it or starve it or wing it into oblivion. it was given to you. baby newtus. have you ever heard of a baby commiting to suicide? i wonder why that is. mommy is gone, i'll die now. doesn't happen newtus. this crazy ball 1o1 has gotton inside you ears. you aren't you.

i like you and your posts, newtus. i enjoy your honesty. i'm sorry if i seem mean. i scare people often. i'm crazy.

I won't freak out. I'm not scared of most thoughts, including thoughts of suicide. For many years I lived with a low level depression. Nothing clinical, just enough to make the whole world gray. Through those years I never wondered how I would die. I just assumed I would be a suicide. Some day I'd be in a low enough mood, and the means would be at hand and that would be that. Shrug.

Then I accidentally cured my insomnia, and my mood improved. I had to use some CBT type exercises to pull myself completely out of that gray world, because I'd got into some unhelpful thought patterns. Lately I'm sinking back into that world, because I can't seem to convince my son that I need to be allowed to sleep in order to be mentally healthy.

Anyway I've thought a lot about suicide as a result. I agree it's not really about depression. It seems to me it's more about a loss of hope. And that loss can be temporary. We all have moments of despair. If we wait, the worst mood will pass, but if the means of suicide are at hand at the moment of despair, we may take that permanent solution to the temporary problem.

A young man in this area killed himself recently. Apparently he got into a fight with two acquaintances at a local store. The police were called. He fled in his car. They boxed him in, shut down the road, and began "negotiating" (probably shouting "get out of the car" through a megaphone). He had a handgun. He killed himself. If he hadn't had the gun, he'd probably be alive today. Under the influence of extreme emotion and possibly alcohol, he made a decision that will pain his loved ones until the day they die. And no doubt that pain will be passed on to following generations in greater or lesser ways. No art. Just lots of suffering handled very unskillfully. Just a young man pushed temporarily past what he could handle.

http://cjonline.com/news/2012-01-23/...d-ends-suicide

I once heard a saying that suicide is when you take the skeleton out of your own closet and put it in everybody else's closet.

Hope you're okay, newtus. Been thinking about you.

i made 1 appt with my last therapist.
idk how im going to tell them i almost got committed/jailed.
for psychosis.
they gave me a special shot in my arm too.
because i cut my arm all up with razor blades.
its in 3 days.

sometimes i dont know why i am still on this site.
i truly believe of my experiences with no doubt.
but this is the only place im listened to.
i think back to every time when ive told someone.
here..in my real life..
that if they just listen to me that i dont want anything else from them.
they dont have to be my friend anymore if they would just listen to me.
every once and awhile.
no ones been able to do that.
not in my real life.

Hi Newtus,

Am I helping you or making it worse?

brookwest