Today, my mum had to go out for a few hours, and a friend was going to come round at about 1 o'clock. I am usually fine when on my own, but today was really strange.

When I have what I think are episodes, I feel numb and dizzy. I had felt dizzy after I woke up and before my mother left, and more so after she went out. I begin to dissociate, and my senses go numb, time feels like forever, and all I can hear are voices and a loud pitch beeping (not sure if this is tinitus). When I look back at this the memory feels dream-like, as if it never happened. All fuzzy and cloudy, but during it, a part of me feels tense, anxious and angry. My emotions go all weird and I burst out laughing for no reason. I actually screamed a few times, I remember. Now that I look back on it, it's like I was posessed. I could sense things around me, everywhere. I felt really warm, and my hand was really itchy (I scratched it almost to the point of bleeding) and I was terrified. My senses numbed a little, but I could still hear so much. I ran up the stairs to get something to distract myself with, and there was a little girl (who told me her name was Charlotte) and she was sitting on the top step singing (I could hear the song clearly in my head, it was like a lullaby). Fang was clearly with me and communicating with me, and on the way down the stairs I accidentally stood on the girl's foot (I was squeezing past her) and she started wailing and screaming. I was crying because she wouldn't stop, but eventually she did and I sensed she disappeared. You see, I don't know if I actually saw her (I mostly she shadows, spots of colour and lights), but I could DEFINATELY sense her. She was there.

I also heard rats scampering around and tried to catch them, but I never found them. Proportions went all strange and I felt like I wasn't a part of this world. I couldn't remember where I was. I also felt the presence/saw the shadow of a 6ft 7" man, and a boy about my age. Also an old woman in a hospital gown with wide White eyes who only mumbled. Still, I see shadows and feel presences, but I just KNEW they looked like this. I could also sense people watching me.

Yesterday I saw a shadow on my neighbour's wall. It looked like Jesus reaching upwards with his hand out. I'm not religious, but I see signs like this all the time.

I really really didn't want the person to come over. I hate being around people (except my close family/two people) as everyone irritates me and I get really anxious. I have withdrawn myself completely, I don't even like my "close friends" anymore. I can't stand being around anyone. But I am glad she came. We aren't close friends, but she kept me distracted from myself and my thoughts. That's what I need; distraction. Because I am so used to being by myself with my own thoughts, that's when the demons show themselves. my mind has to be stimulated by something, whether it be Internet, games, family, therapy, school, music, drawing...anything to keep the voices at bay. But I don't want Fang to go, I need him and he needs me. He is a part of my soul, literally.

Thanks for reading.

I assume this is one of my episodes. I keep having them. I am with a psychosis intervention team now but want to know if you think this is an episode?

Please will somebody just comment? I know I sound desperate, but I could really use some advice.

[missmorganxo]

I think this sounds like an episode. If you have a counselor, have you talked to them about all of this going on?

I have Bipolar 1, and my episodes have been almost this bad before and I hate it because you can't hardly tell what's real and what isn't. It's scary, I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope things get better.