[costello]

Someone shared this on facebook, and I thought it was beautiful.



Proverbs 17:17 A friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

I liked watching peanuts when I was 5 and under. I can't watch them anymore. I can't watch anycartoons anymore. They make me sad or I become confused why I don't understand them, when I would understand them when I was young. I can't laugh. Costello, your kindness brings me hope and a bit of warmth.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I can't watch anycartoons anymore. They make me sad or I become confused why I don't understand them, when I would understand them when I was young. I can't laugh.

I don't think this particular cartoon is meant to make you laugh. It's just meant to illustrate how just being present for someone - without trying to "fix" things, just being there - can be enormously helpful all by itself.

I think your smart, costello.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I think your smart, costello.

That's nice to hear. Be careful, though. You'll give me a swelled ego.

I guess I don't know how to say I like you, without creeping you out and making you feel scared. I appreciate that you have taken the time to write kind words for me. I need kind words thesedays. I'm kinda scared and overwelmed with everything. I've always had a crutch like cigs or something like that. I don't have an easy out for pleasure in a tough situation. I'm having to feel my feelings. It is foreign and scary for me. If I scare you, tell me. I see myself as someone that people tolerate, but really want to tell to "get lost." My voices are scary. I'm scared. I'm sorry for being scared. I feel like I should "man up" but I can't nor do I understand what that means. I'm sorry. I feel awkward.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I guess I don't know how to say I like you, without creeping you out and making you feel scared.

I'm not creeped out, and I don't scare easily. I like you too. You've given me some great insights.

Sorry you're feeling scared and the voices are doing a number on you right now. The only thing really certain in life is change. I'm sure the voices will ebb and the fear will pass and the sun will come out again. We all have good times and not so good times.

Just make sure you're getting enough sleep if you can.

I slept a few hours. I feel better. I woke up and I had my voices and I could not sleep any longer. I guess my voices say the usual stuff. They say that I am a bad person. I'm listening to the radio now. I'm enjoying the music. It is soothing.

Thanks for being there to respond to my posts, Costello. I hope your son is well. Enjoy today, maybe I'll read a post from you? They make me feel good about myself.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I slept a few hours. I feel better. I woke up and I had my voices and I could not sleep any longer.

Yea, I woke up early too. My son loves his new job. He's walking around here smiling. I'm glad he's happy. So why can't I just relax with that?

I guess my voices say the usual stuff. They say that I am a bad person.

It sounds like voices pretty much just tell a person what they already believe. At least the negative stuff.

I'm listening to the radio now. I'm enjoying the music. It is soothing.

That's good. My clock radio is about to come on with Hearts of Space - "slow music for fast times." It's okay. Relaxing. I can even meditate to it without having to turn the radio off.

Thanks for being there to respond to my posts, Costello.

And thank you for taking the time to respond to mine.

I hope your son is well.

Like I said he's walking around here smiling a lot because of his new job. I hope he continues to enjoy it and he does well. There are parts of him that he's deliberately suppressed - I think because other guys made fun of them when he was in junior high and high school. He has a very silly playful side that I seldom see anymore. He has a nurturing side. And he has a very charming side. They're actually some of the nicest things about him, and he's ashamed of them. Anyway I think this job might bring those aspects back up in him. They'll be useful on this job. He has a group of about 10 third graders. What's that - about 9 years old? He says they're mostly girls which is good. He tends to find males a lot more threatening to deal with. Anyway some of those parts of himself he hates so much will be an asset on this job.

Sometimes when he's starting to relax and feel a little happy, he'll suddenly start wondering "What if so-and-so were here? What would he think of how I'm acting?" It's like an acute self-consciousness and negative self-judgment. And it's always some prick he's thinking about! I mean who cares what so-and-so thinks? So-and-so has some serious issues of his own. Why are we trying to please him - even though we haven't even seen him in years?!?!? He's probably in state custody somewhere, and my son's letting him ruin his current happiness.

Ah, well, let's try not to let the pricks bring us down, brookwest. Have a great day!

I think you a good mom. I think your son is very lucky. I've seen the throw aways of this world. I've eaten and suffered with them. I still do. Maybe it is me too. It is hard to describe betrayal, like what it feels like to children. It relieves me that you haven't betrayed the love you have for your son. You should feel self pride because of this. Maybe you want to protect your boy from "everything." You can't. You need to accept this. You can prepare him, but not completely protect.

I have self-hatred. It is like a deformity of my soul, maybe. I can't imagine living without having to address my self-hatred regurally. I think I'm evil. I think good people fear and hate me because I'm pure evil. I'm afraid I will be persecuted because they think I'm pure evil. The world has used me as a tool, very often. I've been a puffed up soldier, sorta, also. To mold me into tool and weapon, I got whipped repeatedly, till I enjoyed it because whipping was love. The only love available to me. So pain is love to me. If I can't feel pain, I feel my commander doesn't love me.

I enjoy new-age space music also. NPR?

I have "pricks" in my past also. Hunters, drinkers, drug users, jocks I've been acquaitences with all of those. I'm not willing to have a weapon like a gun in the house, currently. If there was a scarcity of food, I would hunt without hesitation. Drugs can be fun, but they are tons of work and hassle. I'm not willing to risk prison or being in a situation where someone might be hurt or killed, without the reason being absolutely neccesary. Sports were fun. The coaches were socio-pathic morons with egos the size of jupiter. Have a good day, Costello.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I have self-hatred. It is like a deformity of my soul, maybe. I can't imagine living without having to address my self-hatred regurally. I think I'm evil. I think good people fear and hate me because I'm pure evil.

You don't seem evil to me. It surprises me that someone who's basically decent would have such a negative view of himself.

I enjoy new-age space music also. NPR?

Yep. NPR. I've been watching my British comedies on PBS on Saturday evening, but they're all reruns now. I may go back to listening to the Retro Cocktail Hour tonight. It used to be my routine every Saturday evening. They bill themselves as "space age pop, bachelor pad music, exotica, lounge music, cocktail jazz."

Why do I have such a negative view of myself?

Maybe I want to hurt myself before mean people can hurt me. I don't want them to get their satisfaction. I've been naturally athletic and academicly successful also. My father was a high degree freemason. My mom was a member of eastern star, venus, lucifer bearer of light, morning star, evening star which is affeliated with the masons. Her dad was a high degree mason. My dads dad was a mason. Masons are feared by some because they are very secretive. My dad was not a follower of Jesus.

So, I guess some might say I'm the product of demons. I am scared because of this.

I have accepted Him of the christian religion into my heart. I ask his guidence and comfort regurally. I have renounced the enemies of man(woman)kind.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

Maybe I want to hurt myself before mean people can hurt me. I don't want them to get their satisfaction.

Well, I guess I can understand that impulse, although it's so obviously self-defeating. It reminds me of Kureha coming here for months talking about how afraid she was that someone would kill her, then suddenly announcing that she was planning to kill herself. It confuses me. The only way I can understand it is that it's better to take back control by destroying herself before someone else can do so. Maybe if you figure it's inevitable that something bad will happen to you, you might as well control the time and the method.

My dad was not a follower of Jesus.

My dad was an atheist, but he was one of the most decent people I ever knew. I've never understood why people equate goodness and badness with particular religions. It's so patently not true.

So, I guess some might say I'm the product of demons. I am scared because of this.

I seriously doubt you're the product of demons. As I talk to you it occurs to me our basic premises are different. I'm not a philosopher, so I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I looked up the wikipedia article on 'evil' to see if I could sort it out, but I'm still not sure what it is.

I don't believe a person can be inherently evil or bad. On the contrary I believe people are inherently okay. I can't even say 'good' because it seems like a moral word, and I'm not talking about morality. When people do bad things, it's because they've managed to get separated from their true nature. They're confused. They need to find their way home, not set off to avoid themselves because they're evil.

I have accepted Him of the christian religion into my heart. I ask his guidence and comfort regurally. I have renounced the enemies of man(woman)kind.

[Shoe]

M. Scott Peck wrote an interesting book.
http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Hop...0268736&sr=8-1
Jung wrote about the importance of owning one's own shadow and not projecting it on to others. Here is also a very interesting short little book from that perspective.
http://www.amazon.com/Owning-Your-Ow...0269053&sr=1-1

I ponder evil sometimes. I think about the Sun and that my soul was consumed by it. I was changed to energy and a small fraction of that energy released by my consumed soul, returns to me today. I feel I was innocent. I was condemmed by someone or something to be banished from earth nature to travel 93,000,000 miles to Sol. It was horrible 24/7/365 for what seems like a day of years, 24 years. I did a 24 year bid in you know where. I believe I was innocent and my captors are condemning those that sent me to them. There are universal laws regarding condemning innocent souls. I'm destroyed. I like you Costello. You make me feel warm inside. I feel cold.

[costello]

Take care of yourself, brookwest. Make sure you're getting enough sleep.

When do you work next?

I work today at 4:30 pm. I am sleeping about the minimum to get by safely. I'll talk to my T about this problem. I appreciate your concern Costello. It is needed. Thank you.

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I work today at 4:30 pm. I am sleeping about the minimum to get by safely. I'll talk to my T about this problem. I appreciate your concern Costello. It is needed. Thank you.

Enjoy work today. It can be helpful.

I'm not sleeping as much as I'd like to these days either. Nor is my son. Like you, it's enough to get by on, but I wish it were more.

I enjoy work. It gives me a break from stressors at home. My manager is friendly. He loans me money if I'm a bit short. He handed me a 100 dollar bill when my wife was in the hospital and we needed money, around the holidays. He saved the day, and he said it was a gift. I've never been given that amount of money before. My co-workers are cool also. Fun to talk to and friendly. Our owner is slick and strict. She is fair, I'm good with that. I hope you and your son can get some deep sleep, as with myself

I miss my imaginary surrogate mommy are you there?

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

I miss my imaginary surrogate mommy are you there?

If that's me, then, yes, I'm still here. Sounds like you're sleeping better. Sleep and work will keep you sane.

yes. I work in the late afternoon into the mid evening. How is your son doing. Is his job going well?

[costello]

Originally Posted by brookwest

yes. I work in the late afternoon into the mid evening. How is your son doing. Is his job going well?

He is doing really well. This job is wonderful for him. It's just been a blessing.

He's coming down with something viral. I think that's pretty common when you first start working with kids. Anyway, last night he took some Zicam hoping to shorten the cold. Then this morning he called me to say he woke up still feeling sick, but he really wanted to go to work. I told him to wait a couple of hours before calling in sick. Get up and move around some and see if he feels better. He doesn't have to be there until 2:45, so he still has time to call in if he doesn't feel better.

This is the first really nice thing that's happened to him in a long time.

I'm glad something nice happened to your son. Your a good mom.