[cwiktorski]

I've been up and down since late November when I was put on a prescription for my depression, though things have seem to become worse over the last several months.

For some time, the anti-depressants (wellbutrin) worked great. I needed less sleep, I could focus well, I was happy, content, excited for every day, but that bit of self doubt was still there, as it seems is for all people.

That self doubt has grown once again though. It's become a monster that shouts in my head, keeps me from being able to focus. Thoughts running rampant of anger and a desire to lash out physically at the people that I'm around. I know I'm not this person though. These thoughts aren't who I am. I've fallen back to a hard time of SI. I've only done it a couple times since things have become so bad, only when I feel as though I'm going to lash out at the people around me. They make me so angry, they don't understand anything that I'm trying to explain to them. Not in an emotional sense, but everything in life. My job, trying to explain concepts to them and not understanding, then asking me over and over again for answers. I get so angry, I feel like I shouldn't have to be around them. I get angry, frustrated, terrified that something inside me is going to snap and I'm going to hurt someone or myself again. The part of me egging me on, pushing me, visions of these things popping into my mind, only to be flushed out by images of SI so real that I can feel it. My hands clench around an imaginary insturment and strike across my body. I can't shout out at work, though when it happens at home I try to cover my head, try to get away from it, but it's buried so far inside my head that there is no escaping it.

Thinking of the smallest things that have hurt me in the past trigger catastrophic events, mostly when I'm at home or trying to sleep. My body convulses trying to get the thoughts out of my mind, repeating over and over, taunting me, insulting me, pushing me to that edge of sanity that I feel the next time I won't come back from.

I started to tell my friend about it and she wants me to call a crisis line. I can't bring myself to do it, that voice paralyzing me when I even think of it, I can't pick up the phone. We talked about it a bit more and she knows I've been suffering major depression, but it seems like there is something more than that. I've been through depression and this is worse, worse than anything I could ever imagine. The part of me lashing out at my soul, egging me on to finally just scream at these people, to lash out, physically, verbally, it takes every ounce of strength to withstand the taunting inside my body. It's drained me to a point where I fear that it will happen soon. She mentioned that I should look at information here about it.

I don't like to self diagnose myself so I ask of you to read this, to help me understand a bit of what is going on, to see if this is normal.

That friend is coming out today I think. She wants to take me to the crisis center and make sure I get help. Inside I know I want it, but my body won't allow me to do it myself. I feel weak for needing someone to help me stretch out for assistance when not a week ago she did the same, went through the doc and has been helped. I hate myself for not having that strength, that resolve, though the desire truly is there, it's nearly impossible to convince her of that. She knows that I want help though, and she's happy that I trust her, to which I owe her a debt of gratitude.

[LMo]

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to help me understand a bit of what is going on, to see if this is normal.

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Well, "normal" is something I don't think any of us dare to try to define. But regardless, you are clearly suffering a lot, and I'm sorry about that You are lucky and I'm glad for you that you have a friend who cares so much. Don't hate yourself for accepting her help -- wouldn't you do the same for her? That's what friends are for -- to support each other and help each other through the hard times. I would love to see you take some deep breaths, take her hand, and let her take you to the crisis center. Refusing help isn't going to move you forward.

Good luck

[cwiktorski]

I guess it really was something that's hard to define in regards to "normal."

She came out yesterday and was so supportive. Spent the better part of the day with me and really took care of me when I was battling really badly when we went out. Usually the crowds don't get to me as much as they did, though the rampant rudeness that was abound pushed me over the edge. I broke down when we finally got to the car and stayed there for quite some time.

We went home and she was so great. Holding my hand, making me feel at ease. I could barely function even at home, though her kind comments and jokes did make me smile. Every time she mentioned calling the crisis line my body froze up, my mind forcing me to a near catatonic state, hands clenching around whatever they were holding. She got me to a point where I could call, which was an incredible step.

The only downside is that the person on the line wasn't helpful in the least. Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything at all, but I wanted help. She put so much focus on the fact that I had cut myself a month ago and not on the debilitating part of what was going on. I was given a few other numbers and told to call other places during the week. I can't do that though because I work 40-50 hours a week monday through friday. I can't take a day off from this new job and don't have sick pay for another 90 days. What the heck am I supposed to do? Being told that the CRISIS LINE couldn't help me? That because I wasn't an iminent threat to myself in regards to commiting suicide that it was something that was just fine to put off? It took me three weeks, and a friend driving over 150 miles to see me to get me to call that number and it just feels like it doesn't matter. I'm trying to keep my head high through this, but everything in my head was only exascerbated by that phone call last night.

[LMo]

I'm glad thyat your friend visited you and that you at least tried the crisis line. Unforunately, a crisis line isn't all things to all people. It's better than doing absolutely nothing, but it's not a good substitute for a regular therapist. That stinks about not having sick time. I have been fortunate in that my Ts have all offered evening hours. Maybe you can find one who does as well?

[cwiktorski]

Luckily my friends mom works at a hospital near here and is familiar with some therapists around the area that work with people in my age range (I'm 25) where she was saying is a time that some conditions manifest themselves.

We will see how that turns out, hopefully she gets me the numbers here soon.