yea...cant do this

newtus · May 13, 2012, 06:18 PM

my father told me to google psychiatrists in the area.
i mean i did it..you know..
then looking at these reviews of certain ones by people..
all these reminders keep rushing in my head
..hospital memories..etc..
bad bad bad stuff.
..psychiatrists...

its rare they want me outside of the hospital...
verbal fights ensue on the first day of meetings.
.......
..

..im not...going to one. i ran out of the xanax..ambien..
ill just do without. messed that up. oh well.
..im not doing this after all..

costello · May 13, 2012, 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

all these reminders keep rushing in my head
..hospital memories..etc..
bad bad bad stuff.

Sorry, newtus.

newtus · May 13, 2012, 06:54 PM

ive never been so put off by a system of "help"
myfather precedes to call me crazy today
said maybe my mom was right
not talking to my mom right now cause she called me a "weird schizophrenic". hurt me.
my father is not ok right now
he drinks lots of alcohol
gets aggressive
and we live out here with guns
so im alone in real life
you know

costello · May 13, 2012, 07:09 PM

I'm really sorry, newtus.

newtus · May 13, 2012, 07:22 PM

its fine.

sittin outside
..i blacked out for a bit
idk my mind went blank
like i blacked out but im physically ok
idk what hapenned
like the sky got really blacked out but just..in my head. my mind.
then i "woke up"
i didnt know where i was for a sec
very scary
then i hear some people talking in my head you know

costello · May 13, 2012, 07:27 PM

((((newtus))))

Is the situation safe there?

newtus · May 13, 2012, 07:54 PM

.....
....
..no

costello · May 13, 2012, 07:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

.....
....
..no

Is the danger from your own mental state or from another person?

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:08 PM

well see something happened with another person and i swung a shovel near themthen i idk..i ran down my acreage about 10 acres and sat but i guess idk cause my mind blacked out and i "woke up" and i was sitting then just was hearing some stuff

my mind is skipping/jumping
like i cant focus on one thing
but i feel scared i feel scared like i..idk..my mind...idk

actually i feel kind of paranoid cause the birds...flying low
...calling off each other cause im in the area like a warning to each other.
idk my mind just blacked out

you know they make pistols to fit in ahirt pockets? didnt know that. thats scary

costello · May 13, 2012, 08:11 PM

Can your dad help you?

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:16 PM

haha hes drunk

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:16 PM

he has a prob with alcohol

alcohol & weaponry dont mix

costello · May 13, 2012, 08:17 PM

Can someone else help you?

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:28 PM

...no :/ ive got no one else. oh well. thanks for talkin to me though. i appreciate that.

costello · May 13, 2012, 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

...no :/ ive got no one else. oh well. thanks for talkin to me though. i appreciate that.

Is there something I can do to help?

Are you doing any better?

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Is there something I can do to help?

Are you doing any better?

hah man...your so nice..

i think things are about to get bad in my household
in the next week or so.maybe even more.

see...
now...im not ok. i dont think. im hearing stuff outside of me
and theres no source???

people and some person talking.
i always wondered about hearing full songs playing outside of me and its coming from nowhere?

i think my phrase goes something like
^confusion ensues^

newtus · May 13, 2012, 08:55 PM

people hate me because im physically slow and i get a lot of confusion
i didnt think i was THAT slow. people are too fast!

costello · May 13, 2012, 09:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

i think things are about to get bad in my household
in the next week or so.maybe even more.

I'm not sure why you think things will get bad.

newtus · May 13, 2012, 09:14 PM

my dads drinking more and more
he almost died twice with that stuff in the past 2 years
in sep last year he had an accident at home...
..blood..was just everywhere all over me from him
plus hes trying to surprise take me to psychs
if i go ill be in a hospital stay a 3rd time already in 2012
i cant go if hes gonna drink and might die again
i gotta ignore me and help him

costello · May 13, 2012, 09:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

my dads drinking more and more

I'm sorry to hear that.

Quote:

he almost died twice with that stuff in the past 2 years
in sep last year he had an accident at home...
..blood..was just everywhere all over me from him

You mentioned that before.

Quote:

plus hes trying to surprise take me to psychs
if i go ill be in a hospital stay a 3rd time already in 2012

He's probably trying to get you help.

Quote:

i cant go if hes gonna drink and might die again
i gotta ignore me and help him

I don't agree. It sounds to me as if everyone in this situation is stretched past the breaking point. If you want to take care of your father, you need to take care of yourself.

I love this gatha from Thich Nhat Hanh:

You are me and I am you.
Is it not true that we inter-are?
You cultivate the flower in you so that I will be beautiful.
And I transform the garbage in me so that you don't have to suffer.

The best thing you can do for your dad right now is to take care of yourself, just as the best thing he can do for you is to take care of himself. When you don't care for yourselves, you each make the other suffer.

newtus · May 13, 2012, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

I don't agree. It sounds to me as if everyone in this situation is stretched past the breaking point. If you want to take care of your father, you need to take care of yourself.

Idk what to think...
idc about me..?
im not worth much..
i have not many people..
nothing to live for..
my future is prob rev 13:10 .
dead..in jail...back ward of a hospital...
..suicide..something...
right

costello · May 13, 2012, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

Idk what to think...

When was the last time you ate anything? What did you eat? When was the last time you slept?

Quote:

im not worth much..

I don't agree.

Quote:

my future is prob rev 13:10 .

I'm sorry I don't know the reference.

Quote:

dead..in jail...back ward of a hospital...
..suicide..something...
right

Well, I guess you'll cross that bridge when and if you get there. Right now I'd recommend eating some protein if you haven't eaten recently. Then bed and sleep. No more running around swinging shovels tonight. Ok?

costello · May 13, 2012, 10:27 PM

Good night, newtus. I'm headed to bed. Try to get some sleep.

newtus · May 13, 2012, 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

When was the last time you ate anything? What did you eat? When was the last time you slept?

i ate a pickle at 11am
thats all i remember.
ive been sleeping less and less for 4 days now.
few hours usually
i woke up at 2am i think

Quote:

Originally Posted by costello

Well, I guess you'll cross that bridge when and if you get there. Right now I'd recommend eating some protein if you haven't eaten recently. Then bed and sleep. No more running around swinging shovels tonight. Ok?

i cant sleep.
i dont eat much anyway
coffee sounds good though.