[DavidKK]

This will be a 2 parts post.
Part 1: Summary for everyone to read;
Part 2: The detailed (hi)story and explanation of my treatment + the importance of my problem to me (at the end).

==============Part 1================

A summary of my problem currently:

After a wrong way using sex & masturbation (porn + no ejaculation - thus f*cking up my Dopamine map) + getting involved into Energy methods (which are cr@p anyway) - i ended up in a hospitals taking almost anything both our cities offered in terms of variety of pills.
The result is everything is ok (thanks to my own willpower and efforts to restore myself) except i have NO FEELINGS AT ALL!

~Quick note: Scientifically speaking Emotion is the reaction to the outer Stimuli. I.e. - crying when someone close to you dies. The feeling however is the INTERPRETATION of the mind to the emotion. A.k.a - the sadness and tearing apart that you experience/feel inside of you when you cry.~

So i have some emotions (they're even strong in intensity) but NO feelings at all. To me there's no difference internally as the when i have mad fun with hot girls on a disco night compared to when my mother entered a hospital (no mental problems for her, thank God, but still serious ones) or something else negative happens. I also don't feel other persons. I can read them as i've got huge social experience - and have instinctive callibration & ability to see where things are "headed to" in interactions. I.e. i understand them logically & intuitively - but NEVER emotionally/feelingly nor i have active compassion/empathy towards them. Sharing is out of the question.

---
(In part 2 there is a full description of my past, my problematic stage, my treatement in the hospitals and the result. Also at the end i've provided how much and what exactly this means to me to my soul and to my life.)

[DavidKK]

=============Part 2===============

A little background: I've always been a tough person. Positive, smart, laughing & enjoying, tough physically and mentally. I've always been one of the top 3 kids in the neighbourhood - later a leader in school.

I have done sports all my life since 4th-5th grade (even martial arts up to this day).

Then i got into other activities (normal social ones - like meeting lots of girls, having fun with people, etc. - the usual teenage activities).

But at one point... a found a certian way to... "be even more awesome". It was first born from the idea to train my unreactivity (i.e. the ability to not be a reaction to every internal/external stimulus you get).
What i did was masturbation without ejaculation. Simply turning up the PC, watching some porn while doing my thing (like a normal kid) BUT instead of ejaculating in the end - i just "let it go", closed the browser - and went to have a look through the window. After i waited a little my boner toned down and passed.

I was like high afterwards. Literally went hardcore with my activities - like never before.
I realized this is powerful and proceeded to do it Every Single Day. I beasted the powerlifting like a boss... the dojo... and the girls as well. The days when i accidently came during the "session" when it wasn't planned (a.k.a - late night before bed once every 4-5 days or so) - i was feeling low energy.

As we all know - watching porn is not a very healthy idea. Our brains are not built to see so many naked women at once on a screen. So the Dopamine secretion is quite big and... well the whole map gets f*cked up.
But after rising it - usually when you cum it goes down... Well not in my case. As i didn't ejaculate each "session" i literally kept my dopamine high manually. Sooo it was like being on a dose of cocaine every day. Combined with my unstiflleness and expresiveness - yeah, people (mostly girls i met) DID asked me if i was high/alchoholized/drugged from time to time. Sooner or later - what goes around comes around... we'll get into that as well.

So it makes sense that when i came unintentionally in the morning - without my "drug dose" i was feeling off. That happened very rare fortunately (or maybe unfortunately?).

After a while i got interested in meditation and was mind blown from the effect.

Then... okay i want to stress this one out. I've never felt like i was a looser who can't do anything. I was pimpin' it hard, had lots of attention, dates, and was close to mastering smashing basketball hoops.
But i wanted MORE. Yes OTOH i was completely not "self-accepted" person and my ego was high as well as my ambitions. That's how i destroyed myself. I wanted MORE.

Doctors and my parents assumed that i had hit a VERY low period when i attempted those. That i was already without friends, in despair and etc. That's a pile of b*llshit but no one listens.

When i injured myself after a very close attempt to slam the ball into the basketball hoop - i knew it'd take weeks to get back into training (i've had experience with ankle sprains before). But i also wanted a way to... "not loose" my trainingness and keep going UP. So i was introduced to this book: Energy Medicine by Donna Edden. *****...
This is where ***** got real. Long story short - that book + EFT i took too seriously and OVERused.

Problems i developed: Was maniacal about the idea that i have to be Perfect in order to leave the house and be among people. I consistently "worked on myself" with various energetic methods. Which only work on the subjective level after all but i was thinking they're MORE objective than... the rocks on the ground, godd@mmit.

So i dropped out of school, didn't leave my house. I could've gotten help and "be fixed" by someone but refused. I had this idea that i should take my responsibility and fix myself. Too extreme idea considering my condition.

Anyway, after months - when i hit the real bottom (having so much fear from just wearing other clothes than my smelly old ones - and i ain't kidding - i was actually shaking when i attempted) - i decided to enter the Psycho hospital in the neightbouring town.

There i got a "welcoming" injection of Olanzapine. Felt like... zombie's *****. Almost couldn't talk, walk, see, hear. Didn't took sleep - cuz of my ******** beliefs. After the longest 1-2h of my life i regained my consciousness to a to it's biggest extend.

Later i started to take Olanzapine 20mg/day + Depakine 2000mg/day + Diazepam 40mg/day. Longest godd@mn 16 days of my life.
At day 3 in the hospital's yard i realized that this happened for a reason - to wake me up that i can't live with other humans if i were to continue the same fashion. So i decided to stop my energetical bullsh*ts.

This is important: I NEVER ever relied on the pills' effects to Fix ME. I would do that MYSELF with my own willpower. Heck - at first the pills didn't even affected me at all! No difference despite the big dosage. That was untill i realized i need to stop with my energy nonsense and come back to earth. And a looong process of "returning" followed. The more i let go - the more the pills had effects on me. Doctors of course contributed this 100% to the pills. No wonder - limited person will stay limited. While Energy Gurus are a Woo-Woo weirdos with no "down to earth" sense, the Docs are in 90% All-Science-Only Ego Maniacs with insignificant Empathy towards their patients.

Nevermind - the pills' effects only treated the symptoms - not the root of the problems.

When i was home i found the book "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia. It seems i had done parts of this on my own - very wrongly. Tried it the way it's thought just to realize where i had mistaken and what i've done.

Well i felt very energized after the complete session (just like they said in the book i should). Buuut with my unstable behaviour lately that was a bad idea. I outbrusted in great anger for something and broke my door's handle (locking myself) and kicked my wardrobe - breaking it's wall. Mind you - the wall is VERY fragile because it's handmade from thin wood.

My parents freaked out but promised to pay my gym sessions if i were to try a "change" of the pill (just to enter my town's Psycho hospital for 2-3 days MAX). RIght before i signed the voluntary papers in the hospital - i was TOLD by the docs that this would last a few days AT MOST! Lies again... (no surprise here of course).
Don't get me wrong - i ain't mad nor do i judge them - what they did was good a good choice in some cases. But the "sanity" threshold is very thin - and i hadn't crossed it at that time. Kinda unfair, but i have forgiven them and understand their motivation behind this.

I was first given Abilify - unknown dosage but at least 20mg/day. It had no effect as well. No surprise here for me again - but they were in shock. Doh...

I changed a few more pill combinatins after that. The f*ckers didn't even list all of the pills they gave me in the official papers. After a while they finally gave me the heavy artillery - Leponex 400mg/day + Depakine (I think) before bed for sleep which isn't listed in the papers as well.
At first - even THIS had NO effect. Funny - after i rapidly decided to just stop with everything energetic-wise i did (even for the purpose of "simplifying/removing it") - THEN the pills started to show effects on me. I've been on Leponex since month and a half /or two without ANY change whatsoever... and at one point - right when i decided this and helped myself once more - boom - magically the pills "kicked in" with great effect. Yeah... magic pills... fairy tales... Santa is a cocaine dealer getting high each Christmas...

Doctors contributed yet another false "win" to their medications.
Okay... but still i had MANY problems. I actually stopped to "strip them away" for month - just to show pills can't do anything by themselves. And they didn't. Doctors were confused and changed me back on Abilify (which didn't work the first time, but we were kinda out of pills there already).
I got tired and decided to go out a bit before they decided they decided to change the Leponex with Abilify. So as i blew the rest of my f*cked-up patterns - i was preparing to live at home again. A few months istead of a few days ain't a exactly "slight" difference, is it?

Left and continued to speed up the "restoration" process myself. Eventually after a year and a bit more on 15mg/day Abilify i went to half a pill (On my decision. Had NO signs whatsoever since months) and eventually after 3-4 months on 7,5mg - i dropped the rest. Never felt more alive since i started with the pills.

My close friends who knew about all this were Astonished by the speed which i recovered and made such of a huge progress. Heck - now i'm even smarter at school than i ever was at Maths, Physics, Chemistry etc.

I'm even better action-taker and have great will-power.
Everything is great expect one. I have NO feelings no matter WHAT happens. Well i've had a slight ones passing through me for a very short periods (seconds) - that was the best time of my life no matter of the feeling - positive or not.

===================

It sucks having the same internal response/state/feeling as to when you're having mad fun with girls in a holiday-tourists city compared to when you learn that your mother will enter a hospital (no mental problems thank God, but still - serious ones).
To me it's almost the same internally if i'm with people or not.
I'm flat - dull.

A bit about my values. I don't value neither sex, money, sucess, fame or anything as much as the experienced and shared moments with close persons, total strangers and girls. The journey itself is the reward. Every second... feeling this broad spectrum of joy, happiness, passion, emotional connection, compassion, love, excitement, sadness, broken heartness, fear... EVERYTHING. A real rollercoaster of life.

Everything is loosing it's purpose if we don't enjoy it at the very least. Not to mention giving to other people and feeling their happiness/pain alongside.

I have either lost all my ability to feel due to the many medications i took (which is my fault and responsibility - on 100%). Or due to the energy stuff i did and screwed something or perhaps somehow "closed" myself with emotional blockages and bla-bla-bla etc. (Or maybe both?)

I created this thread to know the answer to one question. Will i ever feel again? How... and what do i do? Which mountain do i climb without gear, which Dragon i have to kill or what kind of cave should i investigate alone being forced to eat worms and other bugs in order to survive & complete the mission? Will do ANYTHING as long as it doesn't turn out worse for me or someone else.

Doctors won't tell me. Heck they don't even tell me basic stuff when i ask and one of them (working on a private consultations outside the hospital) told me to start reading Transserfing by Vadim Zeland - juuust when i was walking on a thin ice with my recovery. She did mention something like taking it 10 years to regain some of my previous feelings though. T-HAT-IS-SCARY! ;( ;(