[tdomonte]

So let me start out by saying Hello, Names Tony. I dont know what to say and how to start. I just dont know what else to do. Its much easier to say what I have to hear then to anyone at face.

Let me say that my mom is Bipolar, my 1st cousin Natasha is Bipolar and my other first cousin Pauly is 45 years old has schizophrenia and regularly sees jesus. He takes the time to shun me every time he sees me because god doesnt love me and that I'm a "******". I'm not diagnosed, My doctor and my old therapist said I had sever social anxiety but to be fair I was never fully truthful with them. I dont want to be, I dont want to be judged and/or have my freedoms taken away. I dont want to disappoint my old school Portuguese family. I dont want this. but I'm convinced something teetering between bipolar and schizophrenia is effecting me more now then ever.
I'm always Irritable and tense. I'm always on edge like I can feel impending doom. I'm lethargic and have crazy contrasting moodswings and sometimes nothing bothers me at all. as if I'm comfortably numb. Like I have this remarkable ability to stop caring about people who I loved the week before. I cant concentrate ever. I always have rapid thoughts like flipping through a soft covered book and a hell of a lot of pressured speech. I cant control the direction in which my thoughts congregate. and they tend to group together in the negative realm of my mind. I have bizarre behavior patterns like pacing around, ocd like tendancys like checking the door if its locked over and over again. I get extreamly paranoid at night. I'm terribly afraid of the dark. Till this day, I sleep with a blanket over my head... like it'll protect me. I always have a feeling like someones watching me, like someone I cant see is standing 2 inches away from me. Its incredibly strong at night. It makes me not want to close my eyes. it effects the way I sleep and how long I sleep. sometimes I try to instigate whatever I feel is watching me by saying things like FU to try to coax it out. Sometimes I feel brave enough to want proof. and I dont even believe in ghosts. Sometimes I go straight up manic, it feels like I popped 3 adderal. I get a cold feeling up my spine like someone is trailing it lightly with a finger. I become euphoric, I feel as though the world is connected, we are connected. from the trees to the rocks to the moon. I feel like I grasp what nobody else can. Its as if time stopped and its just me and GOD. it gets so powerful I cry. I look at the moon, last time it was beautiful and full. I ask why, why give me life, why give me the power of comprehension? why make me smart enough to know my inevitable death? will it be nothing? is it just an off switch? why give me everything and take it away? is this a cruel joke god made for his friend at the bar? then I start crying for a whole other reason. I'm atheist btw but I'v been on the edge of agnostic as of late. probably from all the spiritual awakenings I'v been having. I isolate myself from everybody. the list grows every day but Erica, Ruben, Nick, Bryce, Mike, Katie, and kyle are close friends I burnt bridges with the past year. now I hang out with myself. Lost in my mind. furthering myself from what I consider reality. People keep my grounded. I argue a lot and I make my self angry by assuming other peoples intentions. I have a hard time getting through my thick skull that other people can have other intentions and motives that differ from what I project onto them. I have childlike behavior and it unfortunately makes others not to respect me as much. like they assume I'm not as inteligint as them. but the thing is, I've always had barley passing grades. idk how I made it to jr year of high school before I dropped out. I felt stupid and at times still do. Always had A+++ in science though. However, IDK many people who can build a computer via custom parts ten times over. idk many people who can compile android on a computer and build there own android phone os with custom kernel and features. Who taught themselves how to use photoshop and autocad. who modded an xbox at 14 and installed linux into it. FTP file transfered files to it and illegally pirated games but dont tell anybody . I seem to be stuck in a cycle of eat sleep ****, smoke pot eat sleep **** smoke pot. I quit my job because old country buffet wasnt helping my well being as it was extremely stressful. Last thing I can think of is, sometime(a lot) I think about things that can happen like my mom dying and I cry and morn as if it happened. I feel as if it happened. Its a dreadful thing to have. my nature of expecting/assuming the worst.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate Andy Personally I think it might be a good idea to see a therapist, and/or a psychiatrist. I know you have concerns but sometimes having a name for what you're going through can help you stop feeling like you're cracking up - at least it did for me.

Anyway, welcome to PC!

*Willow*

[regretful]

Hi Tony,

Not that I'm an anti-drug guy, but you might want to refrain from smoking pot and see how/if things might improve. There is a substance abuse forum within these pages. And I agree with WeepingWillow23 in that a therapist can help. It would be nice to have someone outside of family/friends who can put a fresh set of eyes and ears on your situation. Best wishes to you...

[fishsandwich]

Hiya, welcome! That's a lot of information! A lot of it seems like worries everybody has now and again, like the thoughts about the meaning of life . . . Perhaps just not as intensely

I bet you're feeling overwhelmed. I understand why you wouldn't want to see a doctor or therapist about it, though. Does journalling help much? Was writing out that post cathartic?

[tdomonte]

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Hiya, welcome! That's a lot of information! A lot of it seems like worries everybody has now and again, like the thoughts about the meaning of life . . . Perhaps just not as intensely

I bet you're feeling overwhelmed. I understand why you wouldn't want to see a doctor or therapist about it, though. Does journalling help much? Was writing out that post cathartic?

honestly I was manic/depressive? at the same time? last night it seems. It helped a lot to vent. thank you guys. I haven't smoked pot for a week or so but I really really wished I had it last night. I have conflicting experiences with Therapists. my first was really encouraging and always seemed to be impressed with my deep thinker attitude. However he always implied/inferred that things could be worst, saying at least your not gay and making faces like "those people need some serious help". It Made me uncomfortable. so everything I said was just to paint a picture that didn't represent me. I was in the closet until I left high school. I'm not the most obvious homosexual on the planet, I have a lot of testosterone pumping through my veins. My other therapist, was a Woman, years later when i was 20. She was awesome and she used to always tell me she was worried of me entering psychosis. at the time I didnt even know what the hell she was talking about. It took me 5 months to tell her I was gay and she honestly had no idea. she didnt care. we ended up developing this mother/son relationship that I dont have with my mom. being the snappy feisty woman that she is, shes really bad at affection. even though she tried her dam hardest growing up. I unfortunately stopped seeing her because I felt fine and amazing and too good to be sick. but my therapist disliked my doctor because he was prescribing me (a 22 year old with no self disciplined) ativan, klonopins, xanax, zoloft (made me manic all day every day), welbutrin, citalopram and now depakote. I also forgot to mention when I was 15 I was 300lb and developed an eating disorder. Lost 100 pounds in 2 months. losing 10 pounds a week it seemed. I dropped all the way down to 160. then I jumped back to 220 then back to 170 then 240 back and forth. I will say that the depakote has helped me a lot. I havent flipped out for random little things for weeks, almost a month. but I can feel myself getting chunky again. I also have a hard time sleeping as always but with the depakote, when I do fall asleep I can never get enough of it and can sleep the whole day and night. sorry for rambling on again, but its a reflection of my thought process. thank you guys for taking the time to read and respond, I realize all this text can make someone want to rip there eyes out.

[tdomonte]

I also want to point out, Its incredibly difficult to find a psychiatrist in new england. It seems either they dont take new patients, they dont take anyone over 15 and they are all on vacation at the same time. one said I had to pay over 300+ for a psyc evaluation? I feel its ridiculous honestly. Someone like me does not recover from things very well, Im not the most resilient person in the world. one lady suggested I go try a local mental institution because they have available psychiatrists. made me want to just hide inside and go on my computer and play game and watch movies.

[likewater]

((( tony))) first of all, God and Jesus loves everybody. Pauly is not well and has given you harmful info about Jesus. I have similar experiences with my mother. She is paranoid schizophrenic and thinks God tells her to kill people. As far as the pot smoking, it sounds as if you are just self-medicating, which is very common, but probably not going to help in the long run and will most probably make things worse. Still,at this point, I think the most important thing, priority number one is that you get help from a
good therapist asap. If it is ok with you, i'd like to pray for you. May angels surround you. Sending you love.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by tdomonte

honestly I was manic/depressive? at the same time?

It's possible! I think in psychiatric parlance it's called a "mixed episode".

Originally Posted by tdomonte

However he always implied/inferred that things could be worst, saying at least your not gay and making faces like "those people need some serious help". It Made me uncomfortable. so everything I said was just to paint a picture that didn't represent me. I was in the closet until I left high school. I'm not the most obvious homosexual on the planet, I have a lot of testosterone pumping through my veins.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. He sounds like a horrible, bigoted person. Therapists should not be saying things like that to their clients.

Originally Posted by tdomonte

I also forgot to mention when I was 15 I was 300lb and developed an eating disorder. Lost 100 pounds in 2 months. losing 10 pounds a week it seemed. I dropped all the way down to 160. then I jumped back to 220 then back to 170 then 240 back and forth. I will say that the depakote has helped me a lot. I havent flipped out for random little things for weeks, almost a month. but I can feel myself getting chunky again.

Weight gain is a pretty known side-effect of the drugs. Are you worried about slipping back into an ED? Do you feel safe talking to a pdoc or something about it? I'm sure an good one would worry that drug-induced weight gain might tip you over into old, bad habits.

Originally Posted by tdomonte

sorry for rambling on again, but its a reflection of my thought process. thank you guys for taking the time to read and respond, I realize all this text can make someone want to rip there eyes out.

No need to apologise for rambling. We all do it sometimes. I use screen-reading software to access the Internet (am a wee bit blind, you see) so I don't always catch everything, but I'm glad talking helps